Get more ME time. With others.
Me time. Time for myself. Time to feel good. Most people see me time as a break from socializing. Wine and cigarettes at home. Television and gummy bears. But how would it be if you could allow yourself more ME time in the presence of other people?
Get more ME time. With others.
Me time. Time for myself. Time to feel good. Most people see me time as a break from socializing. Wine and cigarettes at home. Television and gummy bears. Netflix no chill. But how would it be if you could allow yourself more ME time in the presence of other people?
Getting a break for yourself without having to step on the break.
My Brief History
For a long time, I’ve felt most comfortable being alone. After some time alone I would miss being with people. However, when I was actually with people, I missed being alone again. I could never get it right, always wanting what wasn’t there.
I dreaded socializing: it seemed like a lot of effort.
I felt lonely in the presence of the very people I was supposed to feel close to.
I seemed to be living inside a murky goldfish bowl, strangely muted and unable to reach out.
I could not break through, could not be heard or seen in the ways I wanted.
But who was I to want anything in the first place? So I talked myself out of even trying.
The real me seemed too much to uncork, and so I kept myself bottled-up.
I agreed to plans I did not like. Smiled when I felt like crying.
I ended up drained and frustrated. At parties, I often snuck out without saying goodbye.
In relationships, I did the same.
Unconscious role-playing as the cause of social isolation
I think the main cause of my loneliness was perpetual, unconscious role-playing.
The nice listener who always has an open ear (although I did not really care).
The funny guy that likes everything that was going on.
The careless, mysterious tough guy who does not speak much.
The provider and selfless man.
The seductive alpha male who always knows what to say.
The good business student who cares about outsourcing and franchises.
Now, all of these roles had a function. All roles do. They are never bad per se.
Roles are shaped according to previous experiences. These roles were my best shot at avoiding more pain. They supported me to gain pleasure. It’s always easy to point the finger in retrospect, but at that time, they were the best options I had available.
I was totally reactive and living on auto-pilot.
At that point, I was not consciously aware of how much I role-played.
Yet, I took my role-playing very seriously.
And so eventually the role of my roles switched from tools in my mental toolkit to my masters. I did not flexibly respond to what life brought my way but tried to force life to fit my chosen role.
Like an actor, I was always in character. Trying. Performing. Reacting.
And of course, this was draining and I had to isolate myself, feeling overwhelmed.
Sound familiar?
Exercise: Develop Role Awareness
Now, before we will go into three specific ways to get more me time with others, take a moment to reflect. Which roles are you playing? In what ways are you “in character”?
Really take some time here to reflect.
Think about the big picture – the cinematic stuff, so to speak. What are your big life roles? If you don’t like the word role here, ask yourself, in which ways are you performing?
And then look at the small, daily stuff. Which roles do you play on the bus? The supermarket?
And then give those roles some credit for making your life easier.
Just becoming aware of how much I pretend helps me to create a little gap between me and all my roles. And in that gap lives a choice. I can choose to keep playing a role or choose to tell the truth and break free. It’s okay to play roles… if you are not limited to that.
How to get more ME time with others
Okay, now let’s look at ways to get more time for yourself with other people.
I imagine that ME time has something to do with feeling good in my body. Worrying less. Being in sync with the world. Feeling connected to the moment. In the past, I only knew how to do that alone. Well, it does seem easier to be in flow of life without others.
But there is a way to feel more connected and integral in the company of others.
And the way is honesty – telling the truth about what is going on.
To me, this comes down to three basic practices:
Asking for what I want
Telling the truth about my current experience
Expressing my real feelings instead of faking happiness
Asking for what I want: The end of silent regrets
As part of my playing-it-nice strategy, I never asked for what I wanted.
I tried to secretly manipulate my surroundings to get it anyways. I know, hearing a direct “Yes” or “No” evokes more feelings in the body, so we tend to avoid it. Yet we get stuck in our heads. We end up wishing and hoping. We end up feeling unheard and with regret.
To me, the process of just asking is rewarding, regardless of the outcome.
Imagine dating.
“I would like to kiss you. Do you want to kiss?”
How different from awkwardly trying to scoot closer and waiting for the moment.
Or being married.
“I prefer getting a hotel for your parents. Are you willing to do that?”
Very different from: “Are they coming to stay with us AGAIN?”
By asking directly for what I want, I take responsibility for my experience. And I leave others with a choice too. By stating my preference and hearing a direct answer, I can work with whatever happens next. It’s less effort than juggling different unspoken scenarios in my head.
And it can be surprisingly fun and refreshing.
Just putting my voice out in the mix helps me to feel part of the moment. I don’t have to have it my way and I can relax having asked and choose what to do next.
Telling the truth: taking the mask off
Telling the truth means taking the mask off. You step out of character and reveal what is actually true. It means to communicate based on the present moment, not on how I think I should be. Yes, it can be scary. And it will probably be the most rewarding thing you ever try.
Telling the truth means revealing my previous roleplaying: you talk out loud about the mask you’ve taken off.
This is a lifelong practice.
But you can start with small revelations.
“When I told you I was busy, I actually just wanted to be alone.”
“Sometimes I pretend I am happy when I am actually sad.”
“I don’t like how you told me this earlier.”
With each truthful statement, you reclaim a bit of your power.
Plus you pave the way out of your mind and get back in touch with reality.
Expressing feelings: no more faking happiness
I come from a culture where men don’t cry and anger is passively expressed.
So, I used to suppress those feelings, but those feelings don’t just disappear. They fester underneath the radar of conscious awareness; blocking the flow of life from within. In order to be present to new experiences, expressing so-called negative feelings in a truthful way is crucial.
Yes, that also means working with anger, sadness, disgust, and fear.
Going into the specifics here would blow up the scope of this already long article.
Just for now, it’s okay to say you are angry when you are. It’s okay to admit you are sad.
If people around you can’t handle your real emotions, you might want to get some new friends in the long run. Friends who support you in being the most real you.
Or do you want to be applauded for how well you play your roles in life?
Live life out-loud
Phew, now this was quite a long article.
To summarize the main idea here: whenever you feel drained or out of place in social settings, there is probably something you withheld, pretended, or did not say in advance (unless you are drunk in a nightclub, then it's a bad choice of environment). However, you can always get back in-sync and out of your mind by telling the truth about what is true for you, right now.
To me, the more I show up just the way I am, the less dread I experience.
And, surprisingly, people find that (mostly) refreshing.
Give honesty a shot, or have a shot of honesty.
Feel free to discuss this or let me know how your shots of honesty have gone in the comments section below
