Radical Honesty in Relationships

Radical Honesty in Relationships

I lied like crazy in my past relationships. 

I smiled when I was angry. I said I’m not jealous when I actually was. I pretended I had money when I was poor. I said my dad’s car was mine to impress women on dates. I faked attraction just to have sex. I tried to live up to imaginary standards of how I thought I should be.

I continuously betrayed my actual feelings and intuition at the will of MTV and co.

As a result, I felt frustrated, drained, and incongruent in all my relationships.

And then, I cheated on all my partners up to the age of 24. 

Of course, I lied about that too. I had the right support circle to justify my dishonesty: other frustrated men. And I did not only lie in my romantic relationships, I lied all the time.

At 26, I was tired and burned out. I craved real connection, yearned for love. Over time, I realized how freaking scared I was to show myself. My self-esteem was very low at that time.

Here is what I think I know now... 8 years later.

Lying is the primary cause of suffering in relationships 

Honesty in relationships means to quit performing and pretending. You show yourself how you actually are. I used to think that as a “dominant and playful alpha male” (some ideas I picked up on how I should be) I can never express anger, jealousy, or sadness. I had to be tough. 

Of course, this is shit-brained… and counterproductive for real relating.

The result was a constant state of anxiety, confusion, and disconnection.

It hurts to continuously go against the reality of the moment and the state of your body. Here are some problems that – alongside the ones I mentioned above – show up as a result of withholding, pretending and performing in relationships:

• Constant worrying in loops and overthinking stuff

• Replaying situations in your head, over and over

• Snap-reactions, outbursts, and run-offs 

• A sense of unworthiness and codependency

• Obsessing about small details in the relationship

• Subservient behavior and self-doubts 

I would go as far as to say that whenever you experience on-going distress, discomfort, anxiety or uneasiness in your relationships, you are probably hiding or withholding something important from your partner.

In my experience, lying is the primary cause of suffering in relationships.

And that includes withholding how I actually feel. It’s the top killer of aliveness, sexual attraction, and the joy of togetherness in relationships.

Luckily, freedom is often just one honest statement away.

Three simple and safe ways of telling the truth in a relationship

Now, how can one actually tell the truth? Where to start after years of lying?

For me, those were important questions. I had removed myself so far from my ability to tell the truth, I had to relearn it, step by step. Over the years as a trainer in Radical Honesty, I have discovered three simple and safe ways to show yourself in your relationship and get out of your head. There’s more, but those are good starting points.

1. Sometimes I pretend…

A great way to create connections and free yourself from worrying is to reveal some of your pretenses and say what was really true. In reality, this would sound something like this:

“Sometimes I pretend to you that I’m not tired when I’m actually tired.”

“Last Christmas I pretended I liked your gift when I actually did not.”

“Sometimes I pretend to you that I’m not angry when I actually am.”

“Yesterday I pretended I was not attracted to another person when I actually was.”

You get the idea. The goal here is to come clean about some of your pretenses. You can start small and work your way up to more pressing pretenses. Stay in touch with your body while you speak. You will likely experience some heightened sensations. This is good. This is aliveness coming back into your body. Do it and feel how you feel in the process.

If your partner is up for it, you can even turn this into a game and go back-and-forth.

If you do so, say “Thank You” after each sharing.

2. Are you willing to…?

I used to avoid asking direct questions to avoid hearing a direct answer.

I hid my wishes behind passive statements and manipulations. I had a lot of unspoken expectations in my partners, but how could they know? Instead of playing the hide-and-seek game, try this simple and direct way of asking for what you want.

The way to do this is to clearly separate the wish from the request. 

Here are a few examples:

“I would really like a massage tonight. Would you be willing to do that?”

“I’d like for you to bring me some apples from the market. Will you do that?”

“I want to watch a movie tonight. Will you watch one with me?”

By asking in this format, you take ownership of your wish and leave your partner a chance to say “Yah” or “Nah”. It’s very different from “Hhhm, how about we watch a movie tonight.”

Again you will likely feel more in your body when you ask this way.

Just be careful to not ask questions when you are angry or charged in some way.

This way, it would be better to first work through the feeling first. Also, don’t get too robotic about this. Just make sure you state what you actually want and leave your partner with a chance to agree or not. Own both, your wish and the questions.

3. When I heard you say / saw you do… I felt / thought...

Now, this is not Radical Honesty per se.

In a workshop, we approach the direct expression of feelings differently. Yet, this way is definitely better than pretending or faking and easy to do. 

Next time you feel sad, angry or hurt by something that happened, try this:

“When I heard you say X  just now, I felt tense in my body.”

“When I saw you do X just now, I noticed I felt angry at you.”

“When you did X yesterday, I judged you as X.”

Take a moment to pause and check-in with your body after such a statement.

The idea is not to blame the other person or try to change her.

For me, if I allow myself to acknowledge how I really felt or what I really thought, I have a better chance of letting go and moving on. When I fake or pretend that things are okay, I tend to chew on stuff in my head longer than necessary. 

Small incremental steps

Cultivating a more honest expression takes time.

It’s not always easy and you will sometimes experience discomfort. From my experience, the temporary discomfort was always worth the growth opportunity that was behind.

I needed two or three years to shift from habitual pretending to more honest relating. 

Start where you can without underwhelming or overwhelming yourself too much.

The fine line is where you can notice enhanced physical sensations and maybe a bit of discomfort. For me, this was always a good indicator that I’m on the right track to uncovering something important for me.

Don’t beat yourself up when you catch yourself pretending.

Simply start where you are with what you can, one honest statement at a time.