Unmute yourself

For a long period of my life I felt muted. 

I seemed unable to reach-out and say what I really wanted, or what was really true for me. 

My actual experience was entirely different from what I communicated.

The second time I lived in New York City, I worked for a large media company on Broadway, again. What seemed golden on the outside was a prison on the inside. I dreaded my life, felt out of place and without meaningful connections or purpose. To myself, I was a robot: my voice lacked depth. I smiled perpetually. My communication was automated:

“Hey Donnie. Almost Friday. Will you go watch The Game?”

My inner voice seemed muted – my actual self buried.

Somehow, I could not bring my truth to the surface and kept hiding in roleplay.

The times I lost my voice

But why was I muted? And how come I hid my inner voice?

For me, this was largely connected to a bunch of unresolved stuff from the past.

One evening I came home to my shared apartment in Harlem.

I took a nap and fell into a half-dream. In that dream, I was held by some dark human-like shadow. My chest and mouth covered by its hands. I was unable to break-free and scream. 

When I woke up, I felt strange.

In the dream, I seemed to be both: the one holding and the one held back. 

I took my journal and scribbled “where did I lose my voice?”

I had written down the same question a year ago in South Africa, but at that time it was too depressing to go through with it. That evening in New York, I had enough leverage: I knew I would lose my intuition and integrity if I wouldn't face myself honestly. I would slowly lose my soul, I thought. Plus, life did not seem to get any better despite winning in the status game. 

And so I opened the floodgates of my mind...

I remembered:

How I cheated on my partners and lied about it
How angry I was at my parents
How I stole a few things at work… and from my parents 
How I suppressed my actual feelings towards one friend for years
How I lied to former bosses about why I quit my work
How badly I treated one friend 
How I disciplined my ex girlfriends dog when I was actually angry at her
How I was hurt and punched in school

And a lot more.

These were some of the times I fell mute and lost parts of my power and integrity. Or at least the big things I really avoided looking at. And, of course, there were many more situations from my past that I did not have conscious access to as I wrote my list. 

And even more that pre-dated my memory and language. 

But these were some of the big things I left incomplete in my life, and remembered in that moment. And with every moment that I hid, where I showed-up incomplete, I muted myself further and gave more power to pretending and roleplay. 

Let’s take a moment to reflect.

What are your incompletions? Where did you lose your voice? 

Or where did you express a phony voice?

If you can, allow yourself to have a deep and honest look at your past.

This does not always have to be big stuff. Oftentimes, a combination of small pretenses over time, or habitual role-playing, can have a lasting effect on our self expression. Developing awareness of the times we have lost our voice is the first step towards reclaiming it.

Okay, so what can we do from here?

Reclaiming what has been lost along the way

Let’s look at what that means. 

To me, all the above memories seemed incomplete. That means that the memory was not accompanied by the actual, true feeling. A sense of dread and powerlessness accompanied them, mixed with negative self-talk and judgments. There was a lot of shame behind each of them, and with that shame, I kept myself muted. I thought I didn't deserve a good life. 

Now, this was a vicious circle: it led me to more of the same behaviour. 

I knew I had to resolve those situations at the source and free myself from the weight of my emotions around those memories.

I am aware that we are only communicating one-way via this article. That’s why I will just briefly share what I did to get complete on those incomplete moments without too many details for now. Then I will show you three low-risk starting points you can act on right now towards reclaiming parts of your voice. 

I decided to have face-2-face conversations with the actual people involved. 

In those conversations I told the truth about the past situation and revealed what I actually did or how I actually felt. I brought the situation back by honestly speaking about it. 

This way, I integrated the memories and reclaimed parts of my voice and power to act. After each conversation, my emotional charge/shame/anger lowered. I felt clearer after every one. Those memories were now complete. 

I would not recommend doing this without some preparational work and ongoing support (mainly in getting access to your bodily sensations and developing skills in noticing).

I prepared myself by participating in a 7-Day Radical Honesty workshop. 

However, there are three things you can do, right now, without a workshop: 

1. Sit with memories and feelings

2. Share with trusted friends 

3. Cultivate the pause 

Sit with memories and feelings

A big part of unmuting myself was to simply allow the repressed memories and feelings to come to the surface. In the past, I would have distracted myself by drinking, partying, or gaming. In the process of getting complete, I sat on my sofa and brought the memories back to my mind.

You can try this out for yourself: schedule some time for yourself and block all communication. Then close your eyes and go into the memory. Really welcome it. Allow more details to come back. Feel the feelings in your body. Invite even more details in, and feel the feelings. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. Really go with what comes up. Don’t try to figure anything out or fix it. Just be there.

Staying with the unlocked bodily sensations here is key. It is normal that strong sensations will sometimes come up. They will pass again. Try to stay with whatever comes up, if you can. They are just sensations.

Share with trusted friends 

If you are lucky enough to have trusted friends, ask them to sit with you and support you by listening to you for a while. To the degree that you can, share with them how you lost your voice. Reveal some of the details you would keep hidden. 

This is similar to what you did above, but this time, you share with others. 

Shame can only survive in secrecy. 

This sharing will likely increase your physical sensations in your body. Again, just let them be there and allow yourself to sit with the discomfort as much as you can. 

Cultivate the Pause

To interrupt my auto-pilot communication, I learned to cultivate a pause. This means I practiced letting things land before I responded. Now, this does not mean an uncomfortably long break and a stare, but just enough time to collect my resources and “feel into it”.

Taking a short pause before talking helps me become aware of more things. This way, my communication includes more aspects than just the obvious surface level thoughts.

Transmuting your communication 

Transmuting your communication is a process, not a magic trick.

For me, this process consists of two continuous practices:

One is completing unfinished business in my life to free-up space. The other is to tell my truth on a moment-to-moment basis to get grounded and worry less. Both are vital.

If you want to learn how to tell your truth in a direct, vulnerable way and experience yourself in an exciting way, I recommend coming to one of my workshops in Radical Honesty. These are dedicated spaces where you can just be yourself and say whatever comes up for you whilst being guided to be direct. 

We will work on developing awareness on how you are keeping yourself muted. And we will develop stretches for you to try out and regain access to your lost potentials. 

For now, I will leave you with this:

Try to be a little bit more honest in the next few days. Watch some of my videos for more support. Even saying “no” where you would usually say “maybe” is a good first stretch. Let me know how you are getting on with this practice in the comments below or by emailing me at...