How honest can you be?

How honest can you be?

This is a fun question I often hear.

Usually, the person asking already has a specific situation in mind where they really don’t want to be honest. So they want external justification. Or, if reporters ask this for magazines, they often have their editor breathing down their neck, wanting to keep their own dishonesty loophole open.

Well, how honest can you be?

Here’s a straight & simple answer:

There is no pre-set limit to how honest you can be. 

The more powerful question is: How honest do you want to be?

Just as there is no limit to how much you can pretend, withhold, and suppress, the same is true for the other direction as well. There is no inherent situation where you can’t be honest. Only choices.

Let’s elaborate on that for a while. 

Hiding behind rules

Usually, when we ask for a general rule about honesty, there is this specific thing we carry around and are scared of sharing. Or one situation where honesty difficult. And that’s okay. We don’t have to share, but let’s own that we are scared, not give away our power by hiding behind general ideas.

Saying things like:

“I am scared to be honest with (blank)” or

“I will not be honest” or

“I do not want to go there now”

is way more powerful than creating imaginary honesty limits, approved by your local honesty authority. At least you take back agency and admit to what’s really going on.

And that’s a more powerful place to be and gives you agency.

Your own fear is the limit of your honesty

My friend Christoph once put this very simply:

Your personal fear is the limit of how honest you can be.

Fear of what? Being out of control. Being with a lot of physical sensations. Thoughts.

And that’s okay. It’s fine to be scared.

That’s already an honest thing to acknowledge. It puts you back in the driver’s seat.

Maybe you are not willing yet to experience the consequences of being honest.

Good. You don’t have to.

Or maybe the situation is just a little too far out for you at the moment.

I do think that some difficult or “high-stake” situations might be better with more

• grounding in your body

• reference experience with “smaller situations”

• support from friends, trainers, or therapists

• skills in actually being honest

• tolerance towards strong emotional charge in your body

If we go into situations that are way over our head, we might get discouraged or worse.

But let’s not hide behind imaginary rulebooks or generalised ideas.

You can be as honest as you are willing to experience whatever might happen.

Honesty means to share yourself more

Of course, that’s no free pass for being an asshole.

The work goes deeper than blurting out surface thoughts and judgments about other people.

It’s never a strategy for getting what you want.

Or controlling the world around you. 

It’s a vulnerable act of opening up and showing yourself more.

You say more of the stuff that goes on underneath the surface: some of your true feelings, secret intentions, actual desires, and things you usually hide. You allow people to really see you, to peek behind the curtains of your social mask and performance. 

Radical Honesty really is a developmental journey back towards your core.

That takes time and practice.

10 Insights after 10 Years of Radical Honesty

10 Insights After 10 Years of Radical Honesty

This is my ten year anniversary article.

It’s hard to put ten years into one email, so this one is a little longer.

I went to my first Radical Honesty workshop in August 2013. It was a 7-Day, part-holiday retreat with Dr. Brad Blanton in Pelion, Greece. I can still feel the sunshine, hear the cicadas chirping, and feel the avoidance.

A Radical Honesty workshop sounded like a great way to “develop myself.”

But I did not get it.

I thought I had transcended anger after reading “The Power of Now” and six months of occasional meditation. During the workshop, I asked smart questions about how to use active visualisation. In the breaks, I gossiped with other spiritual people about all those angry people.

That’s me at my first workshop (the most tanned person there)

Somehow, and I don’t remember the details, the pieces fell into place after I got home. I realised how much I was actually withholding and playing a phoney role. I quickly realised how powerful the work can be and began practising deeply.

Over these ten years, my views on and practice of Radical Honesty changed as I grew. At first, I used the work to break free from the weight of my personal melodrama, unfinished emotional business, and internalised societal expectations.

Boy, was I angry, and I did not know it.

For the better part of two years, I dove deeply down the rabbit hole and put being honest above everything. I did not care for the outcome of a conversation, as long as I told my truth.

On reflection, I see this period of my life as sometimes reckless, pretty damn exciting, very alive, and, in the end, profoundly transformational for me. I put myself, my life, and my well-being first. I told people the uncomfortable truth who did not necessarily want to hear it. That was selfish, and then again not: by putting myself first, I increased my capacity to serve and care for others.

Through this period of self-centeredness, I learned a lot about genuine care, especially that I can’t really care for others if I am choking myself internally.

With time, and especially after living with Brad in Virgina for three months, I started seeing the bigger picture of Radical Honesty. I hated him for this at first, but Brad always prompted me to work on my life purpose. He said that to do the work I had to do to finish the unfinished business with my family and past, and then use this fresh energy to recreate my life, ideally one of play and service to others. 

He also told me to mow the lawn and not run over golf balls.

“Give your mind something to chew on that comes from the heart”. 

I love him for this sentence, and feel grateful now.

You can say what you want about him as a character, and he deeply loves human beings and cares so much. And he also does not care. Which might be part of his caring. But who cares?

I have to skip over a lot of my story to still have time for the actual 10 Goddamned Insights, but today my practice of Radical Honesty is more calibrated and integrated. It became somewhat of a second nature and I am more playful and at ease. And I just don’t get so angry any more…maybe only when in my relationship when Pavla is not doing what she should in our fights…

Okay. Enough. Let’s go.

1. Buckle Up!

Radical Honesty is a profound developmental journey, taking you back home to your core. 

You reconnect to the alive, feeling, expressive human being you are, to your heart’s desires, uniqueness, and strengths, to all the good stuff that’s hidden underneath your character. You challenge automated habits, and other protective layers that may have outlasted their benefits. 

It’s a journey towards genuine love and presence. And it will inevitably lead through the stuff that has gotten in the way of that. In other words: it’s not just pleasant, and at times feels like dying.

Yay!

The good news is: you are in charge of how deep you want to go. Radical Honesty has the potential to completely transform your life. The degree of transformation depends on how willing you are to let go of control, have difficult conversations (yes, that one!), and trust in you and life itself. 

Of course, such a journey takes time, comrades, mentors, additional support (like therapy, meditation, yoga, bodywork, etc.) and the audacity to actually be a human being. It’s not a direct flight, but a journey of ups, downs, and then more downs and ups. Any volunteers?

2. Expect a Dip

Things might get worse before they get better.

Looking at my relationship with my father prior to Radical Honesty, it was functional, very orderly, and “harmonious” (at a very high price!). We had some occasional conflict, from both sides. When I started being really honest with him, it was tough. 

Our relationship broke-off for a while. I was okay with that. I did not want to continue the old way. He did not like my new way. But one day, after waves of anger, we both stood in front of each other and cried. That was a turning point in our connection. The old fortress had to burn down. I now have an amazing connection with my father, and since then he has spoken to me in-depth about many of his experiences.

I would have never thought that I could love my father so much and be so honest. 

3. Start Now!

You can only be as honest as you are currently self-aware.

In other words, you can’t tell the truth about things you don’t register. And you will start to register more things as you start telling the truth. So Radical Honesty both requires some awareness to begin with and is a practice that improves your awareness as you do it.

That means two things: one, you always have to start where you are, and two, your perception of truth changes as you practise.

These changes will not happen by thinking about it or trying to be honest in your mind. Honesty with yourself is a great concept to hold onto to bullshit your way into believing you’re honest, but these changes happen by being honest with other people, right now. 

Honesty is interpersonal.

You can’t think yourself out of the problem of overthinking. 

4. Rules of thumb

You can do very correct, very by-the-book Radical Honesty and still not say what’s actually alive in you and important for you to say. The sweet spot is somewhere between being attached to a specific language-style and custom of honesty, versus being too loose.

Radical Honesty is a living, breathing expression of self that does work best in some framework. Maybe we can call that freedom within some boundaries? We don’t want to get stuck in the method and there is something to gain in sticking to it, at least for a while. 

5. Go deeper

You can use Radical Honesty, a tool designed to let go of control, to become even more controlling.

Not that I ever personally did that, not once. But one of you sneaky people probably did.

Well-cooked Radical Honesty really starts with your intention, and your honesty about that. Of course, you don’t have to start every interaction with an intention. It’s just that whenever there is an unspoken secret agenda to one-up or blame someone, seduce, get a certain outcome, or control the situation, it’s not Radical Honesty if you don’t admit this.

Sometimes we really don’t know what agenda is actually running us. Practising will likely reveal your intentions eventually. It takes time and good noticing skills.

And it takes a willingness to keep cleaning up your mess without obsessing about your messiness. 

6. No moralism

Radical Honesty is not a new dogma or moral standard.

This was hard for me to accept. I really liked my rules (and still do!) and would love to finally have that one thing to be righteously righteous about. The real hard work is to give up righteousness and moralism, which happens moment to moment. 

The truth is, you don’t have to be honest, nor should you. People make it to 85 years old without ever being honest. So why are we honest? Because knowing that we could get away with pretending and withholding, but choosing to tell the truth anyways, is quite empowering.

Your life won’t necessarily get easier with Radical Honesty, but it gets more real. 

7. Radical Honesty without compassion sucks

Unfortunately, if we do not experience compassion, we might have to tell the truth in order to get to a more compassionate place. This is tricky, very tricky. In the beginning, especially with people who sit on a lot of hurt, like I did, there is a hardness covering the shame and the sadness and anger, and ultimately love.

There is a loving and compassionate part of you. It’s in all of us, at our very core. And at times we need to work through the layers that keep us from that place. That’s the work of Radical Honesty. 

8. Get a Life!

Do something else as well as Radical Honesty. Work on your life purpose. Or lie for a change. 

People sometimes ask me if I would want to live in a Radical Honesty community. I don’t think I would. Well, if that means people who are honest and fun and playful and light, then yes. But if that means people who are trying to live Radical Honesty in a very serious manner, I’m out. 

Very quickly, a great liberating practice can become a new jail. 

Too much of anything will make you an addict. Including processing resentments.

9. Change your mind

You can change your mind as you move along. And go from 10 to just 8 insights.

10. On a serious note

Seriously, it’s not that serious.

That’s Brad’s message about Radical Honesty 😊

Join my anniversary in greece this summer

If you want to celebrate my 10 year anniversary at the place where I went to my first workshop, come join me and a bunch of other people in Greece this August! 

If you already have experienced Radical Honesty, you can join the 7-Day Advanced Retreat from August 5th to 12th. Yes, we will work there, but above all it’s a hell of a good time with a great community of people in one of the most gorgeous locations in the world.

And if you want to really dive in, join the 8-Day Intensive from August 19th to 27th. There will be a separate story shared about that, but my co-trainer John Rosania and I actually both met for our first workshop there with Brad in 2013. So it’s a double-anniversary-celebration! And looking at how we looked back then, our lives did definitely get better over the past decade 😃

Gudrun Graichen will be there as a third trainer. That means you get almost 3 decades of combined Radical Honesty experience. If that won’t change your life, then you probably don’t really want to change. But you can still join, give us a hard time, and enjoy the sunshine.

Marvin

Fear as a Compass

Fear as a Compass

In my twenties, I practiced Pick-Up quite intensely. That’s learning how to be better with women, which ultimately meant getting my life together, cleaning up my past, and being honest.

I remember one particular summer, it must have been 2014. Me and my friend Martin created what we called The List of Social Destruction. I think it contained twenty-five or thirty tasks which we committed to doing. I don’t remember all of them. But I do remember some:

• Walking down the street with female underwear over the face

• Begging for money until we had 5 Euros (which we then gave to homeless people)

• Hitting on a male shop attendant 

• Laying on the floor in a mall for 30 seconds (The Tim Ferris classic)

• Asking a women directly for s*x

We did all of it over a month. It was a nice tingling boost of confidence each time.

Unfortunately, that confidence did not last very long.

The high faded and I found myself with the same insecurities and patterns.

Looking back, I now see why. 

You don’t have to create discomfort on purpose

There were a lot of actual things I was avoiding in my life. Things I was deeply scared of or horrified by but had to look at. And I think I co-created that list to distract myself from what I was actually scared of and instead made scaring myself on purpose a pseudo-courageous sport. 

Here is what I mean by that:

At that time, I knew I had to stand up to my parents. I knew I had to tell my exes that I cheated on them. I knew I had to come clear about stealing at work. I knew I had to figure out what I actually want to do with my life (the scariest thing of all) and be more honest, daily. 

Creating arbitrary things to scare myself did not fix any of that.

Maybe it helped a little to see that truth and get clear on the real work ahead. 

Fear points towards the path

My good friend and teacher Dr. Brad Blanton often told me:

“Sometimes you need to do what you are scared of in order to get the power to do what you actually want to do. Avoiding difficult things will cost you energy and life.”

Over the last decade I learned to use fear as a compass.

Where there is a lot of fear there is also a lot of love. Or a lot to reclaim in terms of aliveness, vitality, and power to act. Fear inevitably points at the work ahead. If your heart beats when you think about saying something or talking to someone, that’s the way to go. 

One of the scariest of all things for most people is to have honest conversations.

But that’s where the gold is:

Bottled-up emotions that block us from interacting presently with other human beings and keep us in re-creating the past.

What conversations are you avoiding?

Here’s a little suggestion for the New Year.

Instead of pushing forward and learning new things and booking ten workshops, pause and really listen to your inner voice: What are conversations you deep-down know you would benefit from having? Things you are avoiding and circling around by being busy or having fun?

Listen to the rationalizations of why it’s not important or can’t be done.

“Yeah, but I don’t need that person in my life. I don’t want to close to them. Yeah but she is an energy vampire. Yeah, but in this case it can’t be done. My mom would get a heart attack. Yeah, but they should contact me first. Yeah, but I tried so much. Yeah, but I don’t want to hurt them.”

That’s all symptoms of fear. 

And the bigger the fear the more certain we can be that there is something to gain on the other side.

When we face it, we step into the zone of heightened presence and power. We go into the unknown. And very likely, we will emerge from there with a new boon or blessing for our life*.

We could call it true power, integrity, or love.

Happy New Year.

* That paragraph is inspired by Joseph Campbell’s writings on the Heros Journey.

The Work of Coming Home to Yourself

OUR BASIC NATURE IS GOODNESS

Here’s what I believe to be true:

I like to think that every human being is good at the core, and wants to do good. 

That’s the real deep-down bottom line. That’s home. And I do believe this is originally true for every single human being. Yes, some make it quite difficult to see through their acts.

And some humans do seem to be far-removed from their loving core.

How come?

When growing up, we are all destined to experience some hurt, shame, or other painful events.

They are an unavoidable part of life. 

And they are not inherently the problem.

We have the power to recover from painful experiences and to stay open to life.

Our in-born human emotions and nervous systems are designed to support us in that.

Emotions help us digest and recover from painful experiences. 

In a sense, they are natural waves of energy to restore us to equilibrium and goodness.

If during or after a painful event we are safe and supported to fully-experience adequate emotional reaction(s), we will likely recover better, and the scarring will likely be less drastic.

But that is very often not the case.

Many caretakers, out of ignorance, don’t support healthy emotional self-regulation.

Showing anger, fear, sadness or just shaking uncontrollably is often discouraged.

Or worse, these natural and healing bodily reactions were actively inhibited, shamed, or punished.

In that case, we will develop a stronger need for protection from future events.

Here is a simple example:

If you are little and your beloved pet dies, this is a painful experience. Sadness is the built-in reaction and remedy for us to deal with loss. If you are supported to be sad, and to grieve, and perhaps be angry that animals die, you will eventually get over the loss. You will likely be open for a new loving connection to arise again one day, with another animal.

But if your parents told you that “it’s not that bad”, or “boys don’t cry”, or gave you other messages that didn’t support the wave of sadness, the painful experience will not be digested too well. And you will likely begin to protect yourself from having similar painful experiences.

Maybe you will not allow yourself to love another pet again like this one.

BUILDING A DEFENCE

So it’s not just hurtful experiences that we want to protect ourselves from.

We also want to protect ourselves from our inability to cope emotionally. 

If we are unable to cope with a painful experience, naturally, we want to avoid having similar experiences in the future. And that’s when we build barriers and stray from our core.

Let’s say we build protective layers.

These layers are a combination of (mostly unconscious) physical holding patterns or tensions in the body and accompanying thoughts (or beliefs) that shape our mindset and ego identity.

Let’s get back to our example from earlier:

To avoid feeling sad, we needed to contract our body and close-down the channels to our emotional core. This will come with accompanying, protective thoughts like “I am just not an emotional person” or “I am tough, and love is for suckers”.

This helps to prevent us from being hurt in similar ways in the future.

But we also disconnect ourselves from our loving core. And we invest a lot of energy into keeping-up and fortifying our defences.

We often create very static characters for our definitions of ourselves, and carry a lot of armour in the forms of attitudes, beliefs and tension.

That is when life begins to seem like a drag, that we somehow just have to survive our life. 

WAKING-UP FROZEN EMOTIONS

Whenever a human being experiences contraction, I think there have to be at least two emotions present: fear and anger. Fear because you would not contract if you were not scared. And anger because you probably don’t like that you had to contract to begin with.

And there is also likely sadness for having lost contact with your core.

Of course, in reality this is complex, highly personal and idiosyncratic to every being. 

What I want to underline, though, is this:

The natural human state is one of goodness and kindness and relaxed presence. If we experience life in a very different way to this over a long period of time, we lost contact with our core. This is likely due to painful yet unresolved  imprints of events, leaving us with frozen emotions that simmer underneath our masks. 

TRANSFORMATION WILL TOUCH SOME PAIN

To me, Radical Honesty is a journey back home to a state of greater presence, love, and awareness.

Now, if we want to come home to our natural state, we will have to pass through ourselves. It can’t be positive vibes only. Along the road, you will have to intentionally experience the limitations of your current character.

This means going inwards and back through your own defences, blocked emotions and the impulses behind your image. Here you inevitably encounter that which wasn’t complete on an emotional level. 

I’ll even go as far as to say:

If you don’t contact any fear or anger or grief, you are digging in the wrong places.

Loving awareness, presence, and real kindness are not new things to learn. You already have the resources. How can you learn what you already are at the core?

Radical Honesty is the work of undoing the protective layers you have build around that core. It involves staying in contact with how you contract, and, literally, re-sourcing yourself.

Moment-by-moment, you communicate from the closest place you know to your core. And with practice, you come to speak directly from it, your true home.

When you are tired of playing games.

In 2016, I traveled Latin America for around nine month.

My last stop was Costa Rica. 

I was quite broke back then, so I staid in a cheap hostel by some beach. 

One night, me, one American guy, and two women sat in the hostel garden.

We sipped a beer and chit-chatted about all the things we did traveling.

I noticed how I found one of the women attractive. And then I envisioned all the possible sneaky tricks or strategies I could use to isolate her from her friend. I kept a polite facade. I engaged in the conversation. In my mind, I thought about having sex with her. That idea persisted at the forefront of my experience.

I felt increasingly isolated. I did some heavy thinking and planning in my head.

And I withheld what was actually going on inside of me from the group.

I had been in situations like this countless times.

So for the next thirty minutes, I was completely fake. 

My inner experience and my outside sharing where not in alignment at all.

And I felt more and more tired, bored, and wanted to go away. 

And when we got to the end of our beers, I said the exact words:

“Maybe it’s time to call it a night and go up.”

It was as if these words just left my mouth on complete auto-pilot. 

The others agreed and we slowly got ready to stand up.

I was tired of playing games

In that moment, I could not take my own fakeness any more.

My heartbeat ramped up and I could feel it in my throat. Fuck it, I thought. And so I said the following sentences. I did not say them to get anything. All I wanted was peace of mind and not to be split inside and go to bed with a hundred should haves & could haves.

So, I said:

“Okay. I want to admit something here that’s really embarrassing. And I’m scared to say this and I am shaking. This whole time, what I really wanted was to be alone with and probably have sex with you (I looked at the women I was attracted to). And I kept myself busy thinking about some strategies and things I could do to make that happen. I was not following the conversation. And I don’t know what to do.”

The moment I said this, my world came back to unity and I was quite awake!

That was the main energetic reward for me!

Now, what I did not expect was everyone’s reaction:

Her friend was so happy, she almost fell off her chair. She said how she always wished someone would say something like this. She thanked me a few times for my honesty.

The women I wanted to have sex with smiled.

I want to emphasise again that I did not say what I did as a strategy to get what I want.

I just wanted to be honest about my actual experience and put me out in the open. 

But of course, my statement changed the course of our whole interaction.

Her friend was nudging her knee and seemed to be in great support of my idea. 

So I said:

“How about we talk in private to get to know each other more?”

And we did.

Radical Honesty in Dating

A lot of people ask me if Radical Honesty works in dating. 

Well, that entirely depends on how you define “works”.

If you…

• Want to control the outcome of the situation

• Portray a certain image of yourself (eg. “cool” or “successful”) to the other

• Get an advantage through strategic honesty

• Say certain “nice” truths and avoid their opposite

• Want to change the other person 

It does not work. 

If you want to be fully present to whatever arises in the moment, get to know yourself and the other person, and keep your integrity, you might want to give Radical Honesty a try.

Being honest, you may get what you want or you may not.

In the case of my story, I got what I wanted.

Other times I did not. The outcome did not matter to me.

That’s not why I was honest.

I just wanted to be honest for the sake of being honest and not having a mental movie running parallel to reality. Fact is, you will find out quicker what the deal is when you are honest …

… and don’t have to put in so much effort to pretend.

Some people say: “But that level of honesty takes the joy or mystery out of dating.”

Well, it opens the door for a way deeper mystery. The mystery of real intimacy. Of having nourishing conversations that are based on the truth of the moment. There is nothing like really being present to our experience and sharing this with other people. It’s a like a psychedelic trip.

I recommend you read this article for further elaboration on this theme.

Taking Things to the Grave...

Taking things to the grave

I had a few secrets I wanted to take to the grave.

A very big one was that I stole at work. 

At age 18, I did my social service. That summer, I worked as a guardian in a full-time school. One day, I walked down the hallway. I saw a black Playstation Portable sticking out of a backpack. I grabbed it and stuffed it into my jeans. Then I walked to my car and put it in the trunk.

My heart pounded and in my mind I justified this to be a right action somehow.

As you can probably guess, I had some really serious issues in my teenage years.  

I went back to the school and walked into a turmoil.

“Kevin’s playstation is missing,” said the head teacher. 

“Really?” I asked.

“We need to find it. Will you take charge of that?”

“Sure,” I said. 

The culprit was never found.

To shorten this story, I sold the playstation on eBay to buy myself new Nike shoes. And I lied to my parents about the whole thing. At that time I had a collection of 35 pairs. I did not wear most of them.

They gave me some sense of self-worth and boosted my “gangster ego.”

The weight of keeping secrets

Years went by and I was committed to taking this situation to the grave at all cost. 

Taking things to the grave seemed to be a good option.

I had buried this memory deep down and kept myself busy. 

I now worked in auditing for investment banks in New York City.

How ironic.

Somehow, I never trusted myself. I also never had money. The shadows of my past kept haunting me.
Like boogeyman, they were there but never in plain sight. I tried all sorts of self-help. I donated money. I watched a lot of Tony Robbins. I woke up at 5AM. I talked to women on the streets. I tried to reprogram my mind. And did forgiveness meditations.

Nothing really helped in the long run.

One day in New York, I was severely depressed and saw no way out.

That night, I lay awake in some sort of half dream-state. Suddenly, I remembered all the situations in my life where I had stolen, cheated on girlfriends, lied, etc. I was not looking for them on purpose. These memories just came to my conscious attention. 

That was before I had ever been to any Radical Honesty workshop.

If you ever wanted to know why I got into this work, this is the reason. 

I jumped up and grabbed a notepad. I wrote these memories down. That was seven years after I had stolen the Playstation at work. I knew that I had to confront this situation and tell the truth about the theft. I did not yet know how. But one thing was clear to me right there:

Energetically, I was already half in the grave due to the weight of my secrets.

And if I wanted to be happy, I had some serious cleaning up to do. 

Fast Forward

Roughly a year later, after my first Radical Honesty workshop with Brad Blanton, I found myself sitting in the car in front of the school. I was so scared, I could not move for minutes. On my first attempt, I just drove to the school and circled around, feeling all my feelings. Heavy stuff.

This time, I was committed to coming clean. I knew that this fear pointed towards the path.

I counted down from 10, got out the car, and walked towards the entrance of the school. 

That was the most scared I had ever been in my life up to that point. 

I went to the principal’s office. She remembered me. I told her the whole story. The words just came out of my mouth somehow. My senses got shaper. To my shock, she actually was encouraging and nice. I cried.

That was the last thing I expected. 

In my mind, I thought I would be expelled from society, or worse. 

She said: “Of course what you did is shitty, and I am happy you are telling me.”

That night I slept like a baby. 

Later on I talked to the mother of the child whose playstation I had stolen. The principal gave her my number and she was kind enough to actually call me. I’m getting sad writing this now. She said that I can forgive myself and stop carrying that load around. Something shifted for good in my system.

Those two talks transformed my life and especially my relationship to money.

I had dug myself out of the grave I had been in for years, one truth at a time.

The Radical Honesty Job Interview

“Come To Florida”

I met Tom Dyson while I was living at Brad Blanton’s yurt. 

Actually, I remember exactly how we met. I was trying some yoga on the red carpet, facing the entrance. A guy fought his way through the mosquito net, wearing a white suit. I almost fell over, I thought he was a debt collector coming for Brad. In Virginia, nobody wears white suits, especially not Brad’s friends – they drive tractors, wear flannels, and chew tobacco. 

He introduced himself with an impeccable British accent.

Tom just completed an 8-Day Intensive Radical Honesty Workshop in Florida. After the workshop, his wife divorced him. She saw the hour-long video of Tom’s life story, recorded at the 8-Day workshop, where she received a 2-minute-mention.

I was intrigued and wanted to see the actual recording from the workshop.

Later that night we watched the video with Brad. From hopping trains all across North America to traveling Mexico with no money to building a multi-million dollar business whilst having three children, Tom did a lot of stuff. I liked him. And I liked his story. 

We became close friends in a short time. Tom needed a new marketing coordinator for his publishing company. I needed money, and was good at marketing. Long story short, Tom Dyson flew me and my friend Alex, who applied as a writer, into Florida for a week-long working trial.

“I’ve Got This Idea...”

One day at work, Tom came up with a crazy idea.

“Marvin, why don’t you and Alex tell your life story like we do at a Radical Honesty workshop?”

I had never ever been to a full 8-Day workshop. I had never told my life story. I knew about the concept from Brad. And I scared myself simply by thinking about telling it. 

“You mean just to you or on camera?” Alex asked.

“No. I was thinking you could tell it to all my employees.”

“Ehhhhhh….” I said.

“So they get to know you better. And learn about Radical Honesty. It will be fun.” Tom said.

“And you want us to tell everything that comes up in the process, and put our asses on the line in front of all of our potential co-workers?” Alex asked. 

“Yes, I want you to tell it completely honestly and not filter what you say.”

We both agreed. And I regretted it immediately. 

Stakes And Ladders

At that time, I had roughly 200 dollars to my name. I did not want to live in Germany. I wanted to be in America, and Tom was willing to go to extreme lengths to sponsor my visa and help me get settled. Yet the final decision was not up to him but to the department bosses. 

And they would be in our audience!

I wanted that job, and I was scared that telling my life story would ruin my chances.

Telling a life story, Radical Honesty style, is not a scripted performance, aimed to impress. The goal is not to convince others by delivering a sales pitch! It’s the vulnerable process of revealing things worth hiding and feeling your way through the depths of your memories. Now, that’s one thing to do in a safe workshop environment with skilled facilitators, and a whole different thing to do in front of two dozen unsuspecting people being asked to stay after work for 2 hours. 

For 2 days, me and Alex plotted whether to tell a safe-for-work, just-edgy-enough-to-entertain version, or go through the real-deal process and actually strip naked in front of potential coworkers.We went for the latter, and it was an experience I will never forget.

The Interview

The evening came and we entered the glass-walled and air-conditioned meeting room, a good twenty people sitting around the table. I thought I was going to trial. Tom smiled and set up the camera. He looked confident in his plan. My heart thumped against my chest and I could hear it in my throat. 

I don’t think I was ever that scared. 

Alex went first. I sat back and listened.

Here is how he describes his experience.

Enter Alex:

“Sitting in front of a room full of curious faces that I barely knew brought-up a lot of shifting sensations: tensions, tingles, giggles, tears, palpitations! I started talking about the early days of my life. After somewhat settling in to speaking, my mind would come up with another story to tell, another normally-hidden tale from my past that unsettled me again. My attention moved from my visual memories to my body to the wide-eyed faces staring back at me. Sometimes I tried to guess what they were thinking, and sometimes I shared what I thought they were thinking. Surrender can be a dreadfully relieving experience, and I surrendered approximately 107 times in that hour.

I told these potential managers and colleagues of childhood embarrassments, past lies, drug use, mental health turbulence, family issues, as well as travel stories, sexual partners, workshops gone right, and my dreams. After I’d told enough embarrassing details to get somewhat acclimatised to the process, and seeing other people’s curiosity in what I had to say gave me confidence. We inspired each other. Afterwards I felt like I’d had a deep tissue massage on the inside. I sat back, ready to watch Marvin talk, elated to have gone through this and relieved to focus on someone else. “

Exit Alex.

And then it was my turn.

As I went through all the shameful, funny, sad, and painful details of my life, I noticed the bald-headed guy at the other side of the table. His arms crossed in front of his chest, he squinted at me. To me, he looked angry as hell and I was sure he hated my story.

Unfortunately, the same guy was the head of the department I was hoping to work for. 

That was the end of my American Dream, I thought. 

Nevertheless, I finished telling my story and felt proud, light, and happy. 

I included all the details worth withholding: stealing at work, what porn I watched, how dysfunctional my relationships were, cheating, being obsessive and a lot more. Thinking back, I would describe this experience as “being transparent and not caring about being found out”.

Pretty much everything I wanted to take to the grave was out in the open. 

And, despite my biggest fears, that felt great in reality. 

The bald guy still sat with his arms crossed, staring into space.

I approached him: “I imagined you hated everything I said. Is that so?”

“Absolutely not. I was thinking about my own life all the time. I would never dare to tell most of it to anybody, not even my friends. This is amazing. I wish I could do this one day.”

I imagine he looked incredibly inspired and said he had some processing to do. He laughed pretty wildly, and seemed astonished! He left soon to be with his own thoughts. 

It was exactly the things I thought I would be crucified for that he loved hearing about!

Those were the things he connected to his own life and related to.

Long story short, I was hired. 

The Benefits of Honesty

The Benefits of Honesty

Okay, let’s look at a question I get asked a lot:

“Why should I be honest? What’s the benefit?”

Weeeellllll….

Hhhmmmm….

Uuuuuuuhhhh…

Because why in the world would you not?

Let’s look at some reasons people come up with…

I would hurt people’s feelings

Yes. You would. You do that anyway.

You worrying in advance about never hurting anyone's feelings is hurting my feelings.

I’m hurt seeing people play small. I’m hurt by people lying. What you think will hurt other people might actually be a great service to them. Or not. The point is, feelings get hurt all the time, no matter what. And I think feelings hurt in an honest exchange can be fixed by an honest exchange.

There’s no real service to the world in being so careful.

Also, you make people smaller in your head than they really are.

As if no one could handle your truth.

Rather cultivate the ability to deal with hurt in a healthy way.

Of course, I am not saying to hurt people’s feelings on purpose.

I would lose some friends

Yes. You will. You already do by lying. I lost friends. In other words: I realised that some people are more nourishing and fun to be with than others. Some of your friends might not be able to handle your honesty. That’s okay. But why would you shrink back down into a fake version of yourself to please people who are afraid of their own selves? Don’t dim your light for the sake of people committed to staying in the dark. Honesty gets you exactly the friends you need. 

I would lose my job

You might. And how bad would that be? If someone fires you for being honest, good for you. Why would you spend half of your awake time in an environment that does not care about you? Why would you repress your true self? No money in the world can compensate for the long-term damage done to yourself by pretending all day. Worse than being fired is firing your own gut feeling and intuition. That takes longer to heal than finding some new way to make money. 

I would not fit into society

Great. I congratulate you! It would be awful to fit into modern society. Most people sleepwalk through life in a daze. Our Society produces more neurotics than ever. More people kill themselves than ever. People are addicted to porn, sugar, booze, screens, or worse. People play games all day. I like healthy individuals taking a stand, growing in power as conscious creators, and actualizing themselves. 

I would lose my partner

Yes. You might show yourself the way you really are and lose your partner. But how big of a loss would that be? Do you enjoy spending your life playing phoney games? If you do, that’s okay. You can go ahead and keep doing that if you like. I don’t know what else to say here. 

Here’s what I think: 

You are going to die.

Really? Yes. Your time here is limited!

That’s the only thing I can guarantee you. 

So, with that being a given, why wouldn’t you be more honest?

The Illusion of Normality

New Normality or Screw Normality?

My mom used to tell me to be normal. My teachers said “that ain’t normal”. My bosses said “2 hours overtime per day are normal”. The world is calling for a NEW normal but I haven’t even caught up to the normal normal. Damn. Time to slow down and look at the concept of normality…

…and whether wanting to be normal is a realistic goal!

The Illusion of Normality 

Humankind is special in many ways. For one, we are likely the first species on this earth to have developed numbers and the ability to calculate and measure. This was a grandiose step towards describing reality and categorising things. It made life easier.

We can predict the weather. 

However, it also created a static lense through which we view the world. 

We have created a numbers-cult, pervading all areas of our life.

Rankings, statistics, and averages suggest what is normal. The concept of normality is the average of the current noticeable behavior of society. We sum up everything there is and divide it by the amount of people. Voila! We have normality. But, frankly, that ain’t looking too rosy these days:

The normal German therefore is mildly obese, unhappy, divorces their marriage with a likelihood of 40%, is 50% unhappy at work, calls 1,39 children their own and watches 211 minutes of TV, daily. Want to sign up for this normality, right now?

Not me. Muchas gracias.

Just the way you are

We seem to forget that the Pursuit of Normality is a contradiction in itself. You are already included in the current normality, exactly the way you are right now, without even trying. You are already part of the norm. Trying to be normal therefore is like always coming late to the party. Life is what matters. The concept of normality just tries to make sense of it in retrospect.

Normality will always adapt to you, not vice versa.

Get that? 

Normality has to accommodate your uniqueness, not the other way around. 

The biggest enemy of a free and fulfilled life is orienting yourself externally. Especially in a society where most people are high-functioning neurotics, why would you want to do that? Being normal means to drift down a river of unrealistic goals and expectations, removing yourself from your own source of genius. 

But we need YOU! We want YOUR weirdness and unique character.

Lord, spare me from being normal. 

A one-way-ticket to boredom, please!

You don’t have to be the Buddha to observe that most humans suffer!

We suffer because we blindly subordinate our own desires to the ideas of a brought-into-line society. Unquestioned, we follow norms and standards. Something does not feel right to us? It does not matter. We don’t trust our own judgments. We learned to impress people we don’t even like.

We hide our own inner voice, even drown it out with excesses in sugar, drugs, sex, etc.

We lie to each other's faces. We hide behind niceties. Superficial harmony with each and every human being is valued higher than authentic self-expression and internal harmony with your soul. High blood pressure. Anxiety. Diabetes. Stress. Those are often results of castrating your own individuality.

No one dares to question the obvious!

Guidelines are followed, even if we don’t agree with them.

But without people doing that, we as a society would still live in caves.

Humankind needs you to get out of line and question the norm. This is where progress comes in.

Most people sleepwalk through life in a daze, completely caught up in the auto-pilot of their thinking minds. Normal people rarely make their dreams come true. At their death beds, people wish they had the courage to lead a life true to themselves, not true to the expectations of society.

Unfortunately, that’s a bit late, ain’t it?

A truly self-reliant, happy person is not normal 

The 5% of us living more self-fulfilled lives are not striving for a normal life.

They don’t act according to established patterns. They don’t live in rigid structures they did not choose for themselves. Those people are the entrepreneurs, musicians, artists, good parents, and revolutionaries of our times. Normal society consumes the creations of those who are not normal!

These days, in a society in which your Instagram follower count matters more than who you really are as a human being, I’d wager that the abnormal people are the happier ones. 

• Happiness and Joy are abnormal

• Autonomous thinking is abnormal

• Telling the truth is abnormal

• Talking to strangers is abnormal

• Walking one’s own walk of life is abnormal 

• Talking about feelings is abnormal

• Laughing with no reason is abnormal

• Being fully engaged in the NOW is abnormal

The end is certain…

Unlike in movies, our own personal end is certain. One day, we will die. There will be that last day. A day when there will be no more days after that. We can arrive at that day in two very different ways.

Or let’s say we have a spectrum of 2 extremes here:

We will either arrive at our own end with a sack of unrealised dreams and potentials, broken and full of regrets.

Or, we arrive in style, ready to leave and grateful for the life we had.

Probably, we will be somewhere in between those two extremes. But I don’t know. 

Every morning, we have a chance to move towards either direction.

“It’s normal to work from 9 to 5 in a soulless job. Looking forward to the weekend on a Monday is normal. Lying is normal. Screen addiction is normal. Negativity is normal. Being sick is normal. Fast food is normal. Being financilly broke is normal. Hating your work is normal. Knowing more about the Kardashians than about your own grandparents and not even thinking that this might be an issue is normal. ”

A Revolution of Love and Life itself

Tell me, when do YOU feel most alive?

Aren’t those the days when something unexpected happens?

The days when your expectations and routines are interrupted for a short moment?

The stories we remember the most are the ones where something innocent happens, something we could not have predicted by sheer logic! Sweet, sweet moments of pure existence.

We all long for them.

Yet we keep ourselves from the joy our hearts seek by investing way too much time in thinking.

And here is the thing:

I don’t care about a new normality or old normality or any normality, like ever. 

What I care about is this:

I care about the uniqueness of each and every one of us. What do you long for? What are your fears? What are your wildest dreams? What are your hopes? I care about what touches your heart. I care about how you are feeling in your own body, not how people say you COULD or SHOULD feel. 

I care about love. And animals. I care about a world of people before profits. 

And really, I don’t think that normality will get us there! Not even the new normality! Sorry.

I think we need to radically change our modus operandi. 

We need a revolution of people reconnecting with their own intuition and voices and dreams and hopes. And from there, being firmly grounded in our own unique-weird-being, we can co-create a new world.

A world in which hope arises even in times of despair!

The Dilemma of Trusting Yourself

The Dilemma of Trusting Yourself

I grew up in industrial Germany as a shy, well-educated, nice boy. 

My dad was poor throughout the first three decades of his life, and stole in shops to get by. His father was an alcoholic, broken by the war. In my family, having a good job was the Holy Grail. To be employed and impress other people, micro-manage the image they have about you, is the highest goal.

So I spent the first quarter of my life designing my character as a good worker.

I lied to be liked by people I did not like. Ouch. This hurts to write. 

At 26, I was tired of working for corporations and spinning the greed-wheel. From studying abroad in Mexico and China and experimenting with minor psychedelic drugs I had a glimpse at what kind of life could be possible for me.

I wanted to start my own business. Yet I had no reference experience in doing so.

At that time I worked in my American Dream Job as the Executive Assistant to Bertelsmann in New York City. This was a big achievement. Everyone I knew was proud. Yet on the inside I felt lonely and isolated, knowing I was suppressing my true desires and inner voice somehow. 

I was stuck in the present, held back by the past, unable to move towards my future. 

Whenever I thought about quitting my work and starting my own business, my rational mind jumped in terror and rang the alarm bells in defense of my status quo. 26 long years of diligent conditioning stood against a seemingly foolish desire for a more free, independent life. 

“What do you think you are doing? You worked so hard for this. You are a manager now. You wanted this. You will be rich. You can get all the women. You reached your dreams. Stay.”

My dad was very supportive and told me he would love me either way.

He told me to just trust in myself.

Unfortunately, in my situation this good piece of advice did the opposite. 

Until I understood what it actually means to trust myself. 

A limiting view of the Self 

To place trust in yourself, you have to know who you really are…

...and you have to be able to trust. 

At the time of my dilemma, I was entirely identified with the story I told about myself. 

That meant that I lived purely for my image. I thought that who I was as a human being was all the thoughts I produced. By default, all my attention went straight to my head. I tried to reason, figure out, and make meaning out of everything. At times, I even forgot that I was a body. 

I had no space between me and my thoughts. 

This burned me out, led me to the brink of collapse a few times. 

When I thought about trusting myself, I only reinforced all the limiting beliefs I had. 

If you would have asked me who I am, I would have handed you my German ID and told you about my grades from business school and the car I drove. I tried to compensate for my lack of faith by finding strong concepts in the outside world to cling to: Germany, Jesus, Eminem.

I cried when the German soccer team lost. I did not cry when my grandfather died. 

And of course, if your story about yourself is that limited, how can you trust yourself?

And even if you believe grandiose stories about yourself, they are equally limiting. They might enable you to act more than stories of defeat, yet believing them reinforces an illusion.

Thinking you are the greatest or thinking you are a loser are two sides of the same coin: thinking. And the goal is not to move from one side to the other, but to gain distance from this false self-inflating game and live in the space of experience that surrounds this. 

Growing out of your self-made boxes

Luckily, I had practiced some yoga and meditation at that time.

Still, I needed 4 weeks to scramble together my bits of courage and ask for a conversation with my boss. When the day of the meeting came, I felt paralyzed with fear. I leaned against one of the skyscrapers on Broadway for about 30 minutes. My legs felt frozen and shaky. 

I finally pep-talked myself into movement with some quotes I remembered. 

I felt sick and nauseous on my way to the meeting.

I stopped the elevator half-way to the 36th floor to go to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Images of David versus Goliath came to mind. And through all the noise cut a voice that said: 

“Just trust in yourself.”

This time, I smiled. I intuitively knew what it meant.

And so I had the first honest conversation with a perceived authority figure. Despite my worst nightmares of being escorted out of the building by the police for being a traitor, my former boss congratulated me on my decision and walked with me through New York City. 

I noticed the birds and the smells, and saw people's faces. 

I outgrew my box, came a bit closer to myself.

The greater Self as the Here & Now 

Ultimately, trusting yourself means to have faith in life itself.

This means to trust that there are forces outside of your control that keep you alive.

Millions of processes happen each second inside of your body, outside of your control. Trust that the way of life can be free and joyous. I called this faith. Faith is not a religious term. It means trusting nature and your body. Who you really are is not the story you tell yourself.

Of course, this character-layer helps in some social contracts. And there is a place for stories. I love stories. This whole article is a story. Yet, who you are as a human being is always bigger than your self-talk. If this were wrong, how would change be possible?

How could you have made it from child to adult?

Regaining basic trust in yourself 

You have demonstrated a lot of trust already, or you would not be in this world. Trust is nothing you have to learn from scratch. It’s not a concept or fancy new idea. 

I think that basic trust has to lead back into your body.

Trusting that your involuntary nervous system is keeping you alive and that your body can get over anger, hurt, shame, guilt, and fear if you allow it. Trust that you are part of this big thing called life and that you have a place in it and can ask for what you want. 

This comes down to one basic realization: 

No matter what happens, it’s just physical sensations in your body, mixed with some thoughts. Most of us scare ourselves in advance to not feel discomfort. But to develop faith in life, just remember that everything you can experience are simply thoughts and physical sensations.

As an experiment in experiencing basic trust, I recommend taking one small verbal risk today. Maybe tell someone that you love them. Or tell someone that you did not like something they did. Or talk to a stranger.

Or call your mom if that’s hard for you. 

In the process, notice all the bodily sensations.

Notice the thoughts coming up. And don’t argue or fight them. Just notice. 

See if you can stay in the space of noticing for a little bit.

If you accumulate enough small experiences of surviving discomfort, you will gradually develop greater faith in your body. You will be able to deal with whatever life brings your way. Let me know how your experiment is going.

You can get good at this, and it is never ending.

Reignite Your Zest for Life

Hey there. This is Marvin. What you are about to read here is my personal experience. This is not a scientific paper. I’m not sharing a medical opinion. I write this from my heart and with love for my fellow humans.

And I hope my words here will reach those people burning themselves out by doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons, just like me. And inspire them to do the work to reignite their zest for life.

Down and out…

My friends said I should be happy. My mom was proud. My university in Germany used me as the poster child: the first student landing an auditing job in New York’s investment banking world. I wanted more.

More approval. Growth. I kept pushing forward. Studied more. 

Went to China, Mexico, and South Africa. Then back to New York.

I chased what I read somewhere was the dream, and tried to make it mine.

At only 26, things came crashing down for me.

Every day, I felt more lonely and isolated. Unreal. My thoughts attacked me, all the time. I was stuck inside some surreal world that had no connection to present reality. I felt like I was in a goldfish bowl, unable to jump out. I spoke through fake, role-playing masks, hiding my true thoughts, all the time.

Until, one day, I broke down. 

There were several mini-breakdowns before. Little warnings here and there. I did not notice them. I was too busy trying to make an impression. On this day, I collapsed. Physically. I lay on the ground, unable to move. 

My young body gave up. It pulled the emergency brake. 

As I lay there, I cursed myself for being weak. 

In retrospect, this day marked a turning point and I am eternally thankful to my body. 

I had overridden my body's wisdom for so long, and now my body was finally beginning to override my mind.

I kept fighting against myself for three more months in New York:

“This is right for you. Stay. What else would you do? Just wait until summer. Wait until the next raise.”

Then, with my last strength, I pulled the parachute.

I quit my job, packed, and moved back to my parent’s house, dealing with the hangovers of a decade-long character bender. 

Fake it til you break it.

In our faced-past, hyperconnected, capital-driven world

…many human beings are living-out a disembodied role that does not suit them.

That means they work very hard at being a certain way. Portraying an ideal picture.

This can be some ideal we picked up somewhere along the way.

A problem comes in if this ideal we want to portray is in direct conflict with our current reality.

Simple example:

If I feel sad and I want to be seen as happy, I have to invest a lot of energy. I have to tense up to repress the true feeling of the moment. And I have to invest even more to pretend. I work twice as hard for a dubious payoff. That’s because most people can tell something is off anyways. Who are you really fooling?

That’s right.

We might be able to pretend for a while, but long-term “faking til you make it” wears us down. It costs a whole lot of aliveness and creative energy. And we are doing this for someone else’s idea of how we should be.

We are sensing, feeling, living organisms before we are the idea we have of ourselves & our job role.

If we think our body is the one who got it wrong, we are in for a lesson. 

I know some people who:

• Pride themselves in not having time to eat

• Want their minds to live in a literal machine

• Compete over who can sleep less 

• Think cheating on partners is normal

• Would never leave a meeting to pee 

• Say emotions are for little girls 

I was the person sitting at a desk until midnight because I did not want to leave first.

The level of disembodiment in the modern workplace is shocking and, sadly, normalised. 

And the only only beneficiaries are Pharma Inc. and Rehab Co. 

At the core of this is us trying to live up to inhumane standards and expectations…

… and justifying them as necessary to “make a living” and “pay the bills”.

We got the money, and we don’t know how wealth feels. 

Here is how I like to view Burn-Out

Burn-out is the continuous fight against your inborn human nature. 

It’s not an external force, it’s the killing of your unique life flame. 

An inside job, so to speak.

I worked so hard on trying to be someone I was not, that my body gave up. 

What burned me out was not the work itself.

It was the additional hard work I did of performing a phoney role, all the time.

It was the constant pretending that I was an “accounting-enthusiast” when in reality, I wanted to be outside. Climb mountains. Go to Ecuador. I burned myself out by keeping a lid on the natural and healthy reactions my body had to unnatural and unhealthy ways of being. 

I doused my own flames with the thousand “Yeses” that wanted to be “Nos”.

All the times I force-smiled when I wanted to hide and cry. 

And all the times I forced myself to open the office door when I wanted to run away. 

Have you ever seen a candle’s flame slowly dying under a glass?

For me, burn-out was like that.

I extinguished my own flame under a thick, self-made glass of 

• Pretenses and lies 

• On-going role-play that went against my body

• Performing in ways I learned in books 

• Repressing feelings

• Micro-managing other’s opinions of me

• Analyzing every thought I had

Burn-out is the on-going dimming of your own fire…

… until it goes out.

You are temporarily unavailable. Mailer demon. Out of office. 

Reigniting the flame…

Luckily, I was not at the end of my candle.

Far from it. Today, I am more energised at 36 than I ever was in my twenties.

In all areas of my life, I am thriving…

… and I am doing so much more than I did.

The flame of life, luckily, is self-reigniting. By default, it wants to burn and blaze with other flames. Flames are like that. They want to flicker and dance and flare-up and glow together. My work was to recognise all the ways in which I stopped my natural burning. All the ways I stifled my flame.

Burn-out was doing all the wrong things for the right reasons.

I had to go back, clean out my past, and reconnect to what I really wanted. 

The biggest challenges for me were…

1. Learning to say “No”

2. Knowing and saying what I want

3. Expressing so-called negative feelings

Without these three skills, I dare to say you are going to suffer.

And here is the big question.

How am I doing financially?

Today, I have more money than I ever had working in jobs I hated.

I don’t have to compensate all that much.

The Power of Completion Work

The Power of Radical Honesty Completion Work

This story illustrates the Radical Honesty Completion process. It’s the work of revisiting situations from the past and completing them by having honest, vulnerable conversations with the people involved. For me, having these difficult conversations was crucial for reclaiming my creative power and joy.

Enter Marvin:

I was around 3 years old.

We lived in a shared house in Oer-Erkenschwick, a small town in Western Germany as a family of four: me, my parents, and my brother. I just started to form my first memories at that time. For instance, I remember my brother and me chasing each other around the house while my mother was cleaning.

One day, my mother and I went on a small hike in the nearby forest.

We did that almost daily.

When we came back, my brother was gone. That means we found his room completely emptied out.

My mother was shocked. She did not know what was happening. I don’t have clear memories, but I can still feel tightness around my heart and shoulder as I think back. When my father came home, he was stunned and agitated. I remember my parents chain-smoking and arguing. It was unpleasant.

I was alone in my room, feeling sad. That became a theme for me.

Where is my brother?

I kept asking my parents.

They did not tell me. They did not know, I belief.

I do recall my mother's face – I’d describe it as sad. Pitiful. Hurt.

My father was more angry. He smoked a lot. My mom did too. She tried to be present with me. I could tell something was troubling her. Something was in the air: an unspoken tension; very thick air.

My brother never returned.

In fact, the next time I saw him was in a courthouse. He sued my parents. I was not allowed to greet him. My mom held me back. I feel pain in my shoulders as I write this. It must have been a terrible experience.

And then, I did not see him for 11 years.

I sometimes wondered what happened to him.

My parents would not tell me. At least I did not feel like they were telling me the truth.

And so, a person I loved and who was there for me was no longer there – for no apparent reason.

I continued living a brother-less life… Until I was fifteen years old.

He returned…

One afternoon, the phone rang.

I do remember this call, it was a very important one.

It was the first time my brother called; I haven’t seen him since the day in court.

My mom was euphoric and wanted me to do the same.

I was cold and indifferent. Honestly, I could not care less. So I thought.

Days later, he stood in our hallway. He carried a baby in his arm.

My parents pretended as if nothing ever happened, as if he was not gone for eleven years.

From that day, he was part of our family again.

He came to visit us more often. He brought the baby: my nephew.

I felt no connection to him.

Some years passed. I was in university. My brother had two more kids. I skipped most family meetings. I said I needed to study. Or meet friends. Which were all excuses in retrospect.

I felt guilty for that, and I kept doing it. I had no way out.

The Weight of Unfinished Business

I was not aware of how much this situation affected me for over twenty years.

I had build a thick character armour around this open wound to not see my pain.

In reality, brother leaving like he did weighted heavily of my being. I did not trust other humans, especially men. I never got too close to anyone, for they might abandon me. And sometimes, I unconsciously recreated situations of betrayal or abandonment to proof to myself that I’m better off alone. I also did not allow myself to fully love someone, for they might just split overnight and leave me broken hearted.

I did not know any of that consciously, until I actually learned about Radical Honesty.

Sadly, our unfinished emotional business holds us back more than we can be conscious of.

Most people’s lives are perfectly orchestrated to distract themselves from their pain.

We need to talk…

Some weeks after my first Radical Honesty workshop it dawned on me:

“I have to go and talk to my brother.”

I hesitated for a few days.

My mind came up with great excuses for not having the talk:

“Is this really necessary? I mean, he does not call you. You don’t need him in your life. He hurt you. He abandoned you. Why would you be vulnerable with someone like that?”

Luckily, I recognised these thoughts as mental manifestations of fear. And I knew that was a sign I really needed to have that conversation. Good for us, fear points the way towards blocked love in these cases.

After avoiding the call for a few more days, I had enough and could not fool anyone anymore.

I picked up the phone…

“I want to talk to you alone about something.” I said.

“I was waiting for the day you would say that,” he answered.

We agreed on a time and place to meet and talk.

Seeing a human being beyond my story

On the way, I was not sure how this would go.

My mind produced a thousand different scenarios of what might happen, including

• me being arrested by the police for being crazy.

• him just walking away.

• us getting into a fight.

• bla bla bla bla more fear bla bla

Nevertheless, I felt a sense of clarity and power in my body.

We met in a quiet cafe outside.

After some idle chit-chat, I took a deep breath and looked at him:

“I resent you for leaving home when I was three. I resent you for your absence.”

He looked at me. He did not speak. I said the same thing again. This time, with more anger in the expression. My vision went blurry. My body trembled. I said it a few more times with different words and also things like:

“I am sad that you left. I felt so alone without you.”

I kept feeling my body, trying to find the words that fit how I really felt inside.

After 7 minutes, I relaxed and sank back in my chair. My vision of him changed. For the first time, I saw him as a present-tense human being and not as the story I made of him. I appreciated him for a bunch of things. We talked for some more time, but the core body of the work happened for me within 5-10 minutes.

20 years of stories partly collapsed!

On my way home, I smelled new smells. I felt happy. And free.

A huge weight began to shift and partly fall off my shoulders, making space for new connections.

That story I had held on to for years gobbled up large parts of my creative potential. Once I went back in to experience the underlying feelings fully, I had more room for new creative acts. I started writing and publishing. I started my first business. I knew the value of Radical Honesty Completion Work.

What if we all told the truth?

What if we all told the truth?

Let’s embark on a little thought experiment.

What if we all told the truth? Radical Honesty for everyone…

Imagine a world of full-on honesty

Feelings would get hurt. People would be sad. And angry. Relationships would end. People would be fired from work. Or quit. Marriages would be divorced. Friendships would split. There would be conflicts left and right. There would be jealousy and existential fear. Some people might think we are crazy. Some might not like us. Some might call us names. Our parents might disown us. Family gatherings would blow up. The chips would fall where they may…

… and we would not be in control.

Let’s look at the current world.

The status quo, today

People are hurt. And sad. And angry. Relationships do end. People are fired from work. Some quit. More than half of all marriages are divorced. Friends stop talking to each other. There are wars and conflicts left and right. There are jealousy and existential fear. People think we are crazy. Some people really can’t stand us. Some call us names. Children are disowned by their parents. Family gatherings blow up and people leave without talking to each other…

… and we are not in control.

What’s the difference?

Three things…

1. Less time is wasted

Honesty is a magnifying glass. We bring out what’s already there. This has one advantage in my opinion: we waste less time avoiding the obvious. Telling the truth about anger does not make you angrier, it simply states the facts. Lying about anger does not make you less angry, it simply keeps it under the surface. And there, it festers, grows. Like cancer.

Better get it out sooner than later. Life is short and time is valuable.

2. Real contact is made

Telling the truth means showing up how you actually are. You connect based on truth. The True Self is not a concept. It’s sharing what is actually true for you, right now. And that may lead you to just where you need to be, with just the right people who have a chance of loving the real you.

3. aliveness comes back

Honesty, which means saying what is true for you, tickles feelings awake. Verbalising your truth activates a range of physical sensations. Some are more pleasant than others. Some are short and sweet. Others last a bit longer. At the end of the day, they are all just physical sensations.

In Radical Honesty, we sometimes say:

Life is just sensational when life is just sensational.

Final Thoughts

Life is bigger than all of us. We are never as much in control as we think. Sh*t happens, whether we tell the truth or not. The sh*t that happens from telling the truth is, on average, juicier and can be gotten over. There will be hurt, and pain. And there will be joy and pleasure.

Honesty is gaining faith in something larger than yourself. Can you meet us there?

Unmute Yourself!

Unmute yourself

For a long period of my life I felt muted. 

I seemed unable to reach-out and say what I really wanted, or what was really true for me. 

My actual experience was entirely different from what I communicated.

The second time I lived in New York City, I worked for a large media company on Broadway, again. What seemed golden on the outside was a prison on the inside. I dreaded my life, felt out of place and without meaningful connections or purpose. To myself, I was a robot: my voice lacked depth. I smiled perpetually. My communication was automated:

“Hey Donnie. Almost Friday. Will you go watch The Game?”

My inner voice seemed muted – my actual self buried.

Somehow, I could not bring my truth to the surface and kept hiding in roleplay.

The times I lost my voice

But why was I muted? And how come I hid my inner voice?

For me, this was largely connected to a bunch of unresolved stuff from the past.

One evening I came home to my shared apartment in Harlem.

I took a nap and fell into a half-dream. In that dream, I was held by some dark human-like shadow. My chest and mouth covered by its hands. I was unable to break-free and scream. 

When I woke up, I felt strange.

In the dream, I seemed to be both: the one holding and the one held back. 

I took my journal and scribbled “where did I lose my voice?”

I had written down the same question a year ago in South Africa, but at that time it was too depressing to go through with it. That evening in New York, I had enough leverage: I knew I would lose my intuition and integrity if I wouldn't face myself honestly. I would slowly lose my soul, I thought. Plus, life did not seem to get any better despite winning in the status game. 

And so I opened the floodgates of my mind...

I remembered:

How I cheated on my partners and lied about it
How angry I was at my parents
How I stole a few things at work… and from my parents 
How I suppressed my actual feelings towards one friend for years
How I lied to former bosses about why I quit my work
How badly I treated one friend 
How I disciplined my ex girlfriends dog when I was actually angry at her
How I was hurt and punched in school

And a lot more.

These were some of the times I fell mute and lost parts of my power and integrity. Or at least the big things I really avoided looking at. And, of course, there were many more situations from my past that I did not have conscious access to as I wrote my list. 

And even more that pre-dated my memory and language. 

But these were some of the big things I left incomplete in my life, and remembered in that moment. And with every moment that I hid, where I showed-up incomplete, I muted myself further and gave more power to pretending and roleplay. 

Let’s take a moment to reflect.

What are your incompletions? Where did you lose your voice? 

Or where did you express a phony voice?

If you can, allow yourself to have a deep and honest look at your past.

This does not always have to be big stuff. Oftentimes, a combination of small pretenses over time, or habitual role-playing, can have a lasting effect on our self expression. Developing awareness of the times we have lost our voice is the first step towards reclaiming it.

Okay, so what can we do from here?

Reclaiming what has been lost along the way

Let’s look at what that means. 

To me, all the above memories seemed incomplete. That means that the memory was not accompanied by the actual, true feeling. A sense of dread and powerlessness accompanied them, mixed with negative self-talk and judgments. There was a lot of shame behind each of them, and with that shame, I kept myself muted. I thought I didn't deserve a good life. 

Now, this was a vicious circle: it led me to more of the same behaviour. 

I knew I had to resolve those situations at the source and free myself from the weight of my emotions around those memories.

I am aware that we are only communicating one-way via this article. That’s why I will just briefly share what I did to get complete on those incomplete moments without too many details for now. Then I will show you three low-risk starting points you can act on right now towards reclaiming parts of your voice. 

I decided to have face-2-face conversations with the actual people involved. 

In those conversations I told the truth about the past situation and revealed what I actually did or how I actually felt. I brought the situation back by honestly speaking about it. 

This way, I integrated the memories and reclaimed parts of my voice and power to act. After each conversation, my emotional charge/shame/anger lowered. I felt clearer after every one. Those memories were now complete. 

I would not recommend doing this without some preparational work and ongoing support (mainly in getting access to your bodily sensations and developing skills in noticing).

I prepared myself by participating in a 7-Day Radical Honesty workshop. 

However, there are three things you can do, right now, without a workshop: 

1. Sit with memories and feelings

2. Share with trusted friends 

3. Cultivate the pause 

Sit with memories and feelings

A big part of unmuting myself was to simply allow the repressed memories and feelings to come to the surface. In the past, I would have distracted myself by drinking, partying, or gaming. In the process of getting complete, I sat on my sofa and brought the memories back to my mind.

You can try this out for yourself: schedule some time for yourself and block all communication. Then close your eyes and go into the memory. Really welcome it. Allow more details to come back. Feel the feelings in your body. Invite even more details in, and feel the feelings. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. Really go with what comes up. Don’t try to figure anything out or fix it. Just be there.

Staying with the unlocked bodily sensations here is key. It is normal that strong sensations will sometimes come up. They will pass again. Try to stay with whatever comes up, if you can. They are just sensations.

Share with trusted friends 

If you are lucky enough to have trusted friends, ask them to sit with you and support you by listening to you for a while. To the degree that you can, share with them how you lost your voice. Reveal some of the details you would keep hidden. 

This is similar to what you did above, but this time, you share with others. 

Shame can only survive in secrecy. 

This sharing will likely increase your physical sensations in your body. Again, just let them be there and allow yourself to sit with the discomfort as much as you can. 

Cultivate the Pause

To interrupt my auto-pilot communication, I learned to cultivate a pause. This means I practiced letting things land before I responded. Now, this does not mean an uncomfortably long break and a stare, but just enough time to collect my resources and “feel into it”.

Taking a short pause before talking helps me become aware of more things. This way, my communication includes more aspects than just the obvious surface level thoughts.

Transmuting your communication 

Transmuting your communication is a process, not a magic trick.

For me, this process consists of two continuous practices:

One is completing unfinished business in my life to free-up space. The other is to tell my truth on a moment-to-moment basis to get grounded and worry less. Both are vital.

If you want to learn how to tell your truth in a direct, vulnerable way and experience yourself in an exciting way, I recommend coming to one of my workshops in Radical Honesty. These are dedicated spaces where you can just be yourself and say whatever comes up for you whilst being guided to be direct. 

We will work on developing awareness on how you are keeping yourself muted. And we will develop stretches for you to try out and regain access to your lost potentials. 

For now, I will leave you with this:

Try to be a little bit more honest in the next few days. Watch some of my videos for more support. Even saying “no” where you would usually say “maybe” is a good first stretch. Let me know how you are getting on with this practice in the comments below or by emailing me at...

Real intimacy through Radical Honesty

How to Create Real Intimacy using Radical Honesty

When John Rosania, founder of Honesty-Lab, asked me to share a personal story, I thought I would definitely not share the one I am about to tell you right now.

I feel heat in my face. I notice my breath and belly. I’m scaring myself about being misunderstood.

This story is about sex… with a woman almost twice my weight!

After my first Radical Honesty Workshop back in 2013, I moved from the United States back to Germany.

I lived in a city called Münster. I was in the process of cleaning up my past by having honest conversations with important people in my life. One day, a friend set me up on a blind date. He only knew her from pictures.

I judged her to be pretty on her pictures. And slim.

I don‘t really care much for skinny women, but my personal preference can be described as „not too fat“.

We agreed to meet at a cafe around 8pm.

I stood on the street, waiting. I felt my heart and my breath. A car pulled up. A blond girl sat behind the wheel. It was her – and let‘s call her Sarah from now on.

Sarah fixed her hair in the mirror, opened the door, and walked around the car.

A wave of heat rose to my face and my stomach felt tight.

Sarah was really big – and by that I mean that I could not hug her and touch my hands behind her back (and I‘m not a T-Rex with short arms). She walked towards me. I faked a quick smile. She looked nervous. I WAS nervous. My first impulse was to pretend that I am not really me and just walk away. My body was tense. Although I can‘t recall my exact thinking at the moment, it went something like this:

„Shit. Oh no. What am I going to do? Fuck. I don‘t want to be seen with her in public. What if my friends see me? Damn. How does she look so slim in her pictures? I don‘t know, but take that as a lesson to never go on a blind date again…“

You get the idea. So what did I do?

I decided to stay… and practice Radical Honesty.

Real Intimacy through practicing Radical Honesty

After one hour of idle, chit-chat I tired myself with being polite and pretending.

I decided to get real and address the elephant in the room: my thoughts and judgments!

Really, I forgot how I started the conversation, but I think I started by saying that I am really nervous to say what I am about to say. And that I have been obsessively thinking about it for quite a while.

And that I want to get over myself to be present.

Now, here is the kicker, folks: I did not have the following talk to justify that I am right. Also, I did not have it just to say what I think. I had the conversation simply because it was true and pressing for me and I wanted to get real and maybe get over my thoughts.

And so I said: „I feel tight in my belly and heat in my face. I imagine you are fat. And I thought about turning around the second I saw you.“ I felt my breath and the heat in my face. I looked at her.

The heat got even hotter.

She looked down at first. Then she looked back at me. We both sat there. The heat decreased. My heartbeat went back to normal. And then I suddenly felt a strange sense I would call “connection“ and “appreciation“.

For the first time, I saw that her face was attractive for me.

Then I shared a resentment, saying: „I resent you for the picture you have on WhatsApp.“

After a few moments of discomfort, she thanked me for telling her and being honest.

And my whole world relaxed.

I imagine you should want to kiss me more than I want to kiss you

Now, of course I could have not told her…

I could have made up excuses for having to leave early – fake a phone call or something – and block her number (I used to do those things in the past). I bet she was used to this happening, too.

But by actually speaking about my own bullshit thinking, I got over the need to run!
The conversation took a whole new path.

I actually felt attracted to her. We laughed. It was now a fun time. After another hour, we went back to my place. We sat on my sofa and I wanted to kiss Sarah. She turned away.

Like a punch to the gut, I sank forward.

Immediately, my mind came in: “kick her out. Fake an appointment”.

But instead of retreating to my thoughts, I kept the honesty up and said: „I resent you for turning away now. And I imagine you should want to kiss me more than I want to kiss you.“

I felt my body shaking and then she giggled. I laughed too. I relaxed again. My thoughts faded into the background. Heightened awareness of the moment took over. Eventually, we kissed.

And talked more honestly about our feelings, thoughts, and judgments. I was amazed to see how I can actually get over shit by speaking about it. And how I became attracted to her. And how she was not very hurt of offended. Even she was relieved. Hell, she knew she was big, so why pretend otherwise?

Now, this is already quite a long story, so let me summarise the rest.

She went home that night. We met again a few days later.

Then we went to her place. We got naked. I shared my judgments about her body. She shared hers.

We had sex.

During sex, I thought „she is really fat… like a pig.“ I wanted to repress that thought at all costs. But by resisting it, it actually stayed with me for some time. After sex, I told her about the thought, feeling ashamed.

She laughed. And said: „But you liked it, right?“

I did like it. And I liked her.

We stayed in contact and met a few times. I learned about her life. She learned about mine. She told me about developing an eating disorder after her last relationship. She said she was really happy I told her what I told her and that she needed to hear this.

We only went out of contact after I left the country to go on a long trip that eventually lasted 18 months.

She was a warm, courageous, and kind woman – something I would have never learned if I would have lied about my judgments and taken my thoughts too serious. For me, this is a prime example of how Radical Honesty created real intimacy and how I can get over judgments by expressing them and feeling my way through my body.

Do you judge me for saying what I have said? What would you have done?

Let me know!

Radical Honesty at work

It was a Saturday; a cold Saturday in January. 

My friends from Munich took me for a day-hike up the snow-covered mountains of Bavaria. We had a good time, talked and joked. I took out my phone. A message from my boss at the time.

I stripped off my gloves, unlocked the screen…

Marvin, I need you to check your emails now. You have to do this urgent thing for me.

I tensed up. My breathing was shallow. My legs stiffened. 

My thought-computer began to work: “I will quit first thing on Monday!”

A Brief History of my Work

Back in the days before Radical Honesty, I worked for different companies. Always in offices. I drank coffee, sat on my arse, and smiled. I did little work. I surfed the internet. I knew how to manipulate my surroundings. They thought I was great, an adult version of being a “good boy” – pretty much one of the worst things you can be. 

I said “Yes” when I meant “No”. 

I said “How are you doing?” when I meant “I feel terrible”. 

I said “Thank you in advance” when I meant “fuck you a thousand times.”

I never lasted too long in any job. I always quit. And lied about my reasons.

When I had built up too much resentment, inhibited my expression for too long, I searched for the next best thing. Maybe a different country? Yes. I went to New York. South Africa. Back to New York. More lying. Withholding. Pretending. Maybe marketing instead of sales?

So I slimed around the world, dragging a stack of unfinished business behind me.

But this was different. The above happened after I learned about Radical Honesty.

An example of Radical Honesty at Work

And so I went to work on Monday. Of course, I knew that quitting would be avoiding. There was a growth opportunity there. Every time you are frustrated, hit an impasse, there is a potential for real growth if you are willing to go into the discomfort of the unknown.

I pussyfooted around my boss. Then, after two hours of build-up, I asked him for a talk.

We kicked it off with some casual banter.

I felt my heart rate increase. My hands tingled. My legs felt tensed up. I avoided direct eye contact. My heart hammered even faster. Knowing I am about to rock the boat never fails to give me some cheap thrills.

Finally, I took a deep breath:

Me: “I have one more thing I want to tell you, and I’m scared to do so.”

Him: “What’s that?”

Me: “I am angry at you for writing to me on Saturday about that work. I don’t want to work on Saturdays.”

He smiled, nodded his head and his eyes lit up

Him: “Yeah, I am really sorry about that. I never wanted to be that guy asking people to do any work on the weekend. I hate it myself. And you were the only one speaking German.”

Me: “I appreciate you for saying that you are sorry and that you never wanted to be that guy”.

I don’t remember what happened after… But we ended like this:

Him: “Thank you for telling me this! That’s why I never want you to stop working with me. You are one of the few people I can trust to tell me their truth.”

Before the talk, I thought I would quit or be fired. After the talk, we became better friends. He even offered me to stay at his holiday home sometimes, helped me find freelance work. 

You can be Honest at Work

In fact, I think you owe it to yourself.

Usually, fear is the gatekeeper to the unknown. 

And bosses represent fathers, grandfathers, teachers… it’s sort of an extension of your family dynamics. Especially large corporations are gigantic patriarchal dysfunctional families, characterized by people’s avoidance to really grow up in their power.

Radical Honesty is possible at work.

Likely, you will be better off than before.

“if you are fired for showing your real self, congratulations! What the hell are you doing there in the first place? If you break through an impasse and grow in your expression while staying there, also great. You might get a raise soon.”

Either way, lying and playing fake roles never served anybody in the long-run. You waste your own inner resources and genius and also waste the companies.

If you are scared, start small. That’s okay. But start somewhere. Start with friends.
Come to a Radical Honesty meetup. or come to a workshop.

You don’t serve yourself – or anyone, really – by playing small.

Radical Honesty in Daily Life

Radical Honesty in Daily Life

Hello friends. It’s me, Marvin.

A lot of people struggle to apply Radical Honesty at home. Well, of course. It’s difficult enough to be honest at a dedicated workshop with two trainers, conscious agreements, and other folks who paid a decent amount of money to partake. Doing this at home? That’s tough.

However, from my experience, the real-world is where honesty can really bear fruits. 

It’s crucial to develop a healthy perspective for bringing Radical Honesty home. 

I did not have this when I started ten years ago. And I frustrated myself a lot.

Radical Honesty in Daily Life

First, this is a process, not a miracle. 

You spent however many years to perfect the habits of withholding, bottling your emotions, and pretending. Don’t expect to undo your life’s work in one big bang. For one, it’s impossible for most people. Plus reclaiming too much energy at once would likely overwhelm you.  

Second, you have to honour your personal history. 

Like yoga, Radical Honesty does not look the same way for everyone. We all carry a different load. Have experienced different traumas. Don’t compare your own progress to others. 

You are you. I am I. 

Start where you are and gently work towards greater self-expression and freedom.

That said, I want to share one very simple idea for your home practice.

In fact, I stole this from math class. It’s the concept of the lowest common denominator.

In our case, it’s the smallest honest step you can take in any given situation.

No matter what’s happening, you can take a small honest step. 

Sometimes, the smallest honest thing you can do is to…

• At least not add any new lies or pretend on purpose

• Notice your body for three more seconds

• Take a pause to check-in with yourself

• State how you feel (instead of working on the expression)

• Staying silent instead of distracting yourself with small talk

Steady practice over time trumps an occasional high-intensity experience. 

We tend to mistake cathartic breakthroughs for lasting transformation. I want to advocate for a slow-cooking Radical Honesty practice. Plan at least two years of continuous work. Little by little, you will increase your tolerance for all sorts of experiences. 

And keep in mind that Radical Honesty is not an all-or-nothing approach. 

That took me a while to comprehend. 

Can’t express your anger fully like we do in workshops? 

Well, that does not mean you have to stay silent.

There is a lot of range between the extremes. And in your daily life, you want to go there. Join me for one of my upcoming workshops and we can explore your range together. Plus you will meet many like-minded people who will support you on your journey ❤️

Love is Not What You Think: The Art of Loving Yourself

There was a time in my life when I did not like myself much.

I judged almost everything I did as wrong. An unforgiving nagger seemed to live inside my head, spoiling each moment with rotten commentary, demanding attention. At that time, I argued with every thought I had, was unable to relax and just let things be. I was plaintiff, defendant, and judge all at once in my mental puppet theater. 

I truly believed that I was my thoughts and had zero contact with my body. 

One day before I was booked to fly to America to start yet another corporate job, I laid on the floor. I was unable to move. My body literally gave up. I could not take it anymore and needed a break. Yet I tried to fix the problem with more thoughts; tried to override my body with willpower.

As soon as I could move again, I went drinking. And then upgraded my flight to business class for more comfort. And then lived a dulled-down existence for months, feeling out of place and powerless. The nagging went on: “You can’t even make a decision.”

A friend then told me: just love yourself, dude.

But how CAN I love myself? 

And so I read books, listened to all the motivational programs, and tried to reprogram my thinking.

But nothing stuck. 

The more I tried...

… the less I loved myself.

But how was that possible? 

All my life, I thought that failure is the result of not trying hard enough. I thought everything could be fixed with a little more control and effort. In this case, each new attempt at loving myself more just seemed to recreate and perpetuate the problems I was trying to conquer. 

By trying to love myself more, I fostered the idea that I did not do so already.

My underlying assumption was that I lacked something and had to get it.

I tried to find an error, but the mechanism I used was the error itself. 

It’s like trying to play guitar with a piano: it’s never going to work, and eventually you’re probably going to have two totally fucked-up instruments.

And so, my thoughts were the wrong place to look. 

Ideas about love are not love

Thinking that you love yourself and actually loving yourself are two different things. Pictures of Jamaica are not the real Jamaica. Porn is not sex. One is the conceptualized, romantic idea about the thing, the other is the actual thing... beyond concepts and ideas. 

And often, a rigid concept gets in the way of experiencing the actual thing.  

If you really want to avoid experiencing love, become a true believer in the idea of love. Write a book about love. The stronger our belief, the less we experience. You’d better believe that. 

That was certainly the case when I tried to love myself more. 

All the trying and fixing kept my focus in the wrong place: on the content of my thoughts.

But genuine self-love can’t be found within your stream of thoughts. 

Just like the real Jamaica can’t be found on Google Maps. 

Seeing through the game

You might reprogram your language. Or tell yourself more pleasant thoughts about yourself. This is probably better than thinking that you hate yourself. Yet it’s only a plateau. Lasting self-love lives where it does not matter whether you think that you love yourself, or want vanilla ice cream. Working with your thoughts can be a good intermediate step though.

It was for me.

Maybe the intense trying and working within my mind eventually led me to realizing it’s limitations. The breakthrough came when I sat down at the desk in my lifeless NYC apartment and wrote in my journal “I have to love myself” I understood that the “I” and “myself” in that sentence are actually the exact same thing: concepts. 

Who was the I? And which myself was I looking at? Both were static snapshots of my existence. Ultimately, this revealed the game I was playing inside of my head. I created new problems so I could fix them, then fail at fixing them, then keep judging myself for not doing a good enough job. 

And who says you don’t already love yourself? 

Exactly. It’s just a thought. 

Yet, to experience loving ourselves, we need to get our attention out of our heads. 

True Self-Love

Is learning how to leave your mind alone.

You already love yourself, unless you are trying to in your mind. You will likely never catch yourself in the process of loving yourself, just like you can never see your own eyes. As soon as you think about it, you give energy to a game that can only lead to more thoughts.

So we need to learn to get our energy out of our thinking minds.

Now, this can’t be done like in school. Approaching this like an exam is bound to fail. So is trying to get better at it. So is comparing yourself to others. Maybe learning is already the wrong word here. Technically, you already know. You were born loving yourself. 

This is more like quitting an addiction: the addiction to thinking and figuring stuff out. 

And your sober buddy to support you in the process is called noticing. 

Noticing is the effortless act of simply observing what is there, right now. Noticing has no goal, no agenda. Noticing means to apply no doing. Impose no will. As soon as you use noticing to get somewhere, you just think that you are noticing. It’s the easiest, most difficult (no)-thing.

So, your simple note is to simply notice what comes to your awareness.

Your awareness itself is love, not the content of what you are aware of.

You may notice thoughts, or sensations in your body. You might notice sounds. And then some more thoughts. See, without force, if you can’t just notice thinking without arguing, attaching yourself, or trying to change what comes to you. This is practicing self-love. 

If you are like me, you will first get this intellectually.

And then this will be too boring. And you will probably go on with your world travels, or take some psychedelics, or become an Extinction Rebellion Rebel. And what then? Your awareness itself would still be untouched. But you can travel the world and all this reality’s forms with the self-love of awareness.

I guess we can say that your true nature is love, regardless of what you think.

Ways out of your mind

Over the course of my life I had invested a lot of energy into my mind. 

I created a strong fortress of ideas and beliefs, guarded by an army of fearful thoughts. 

The way out for me was–and still is–gradual.

I know that technically I was never trapped inside of my mind. I held the doors closed from the inside. But arriving at this understanding was a path for me, not a magic revelation. 

Your path might look different. What helped me were simple practices like meditation, yoga, silence, nature, fasting, walking, hand-writing. And yes, some amount of traveling and psychedelics too. All practices that forced my attention into the present moment helped. 

Not that I live a purely present life, but I definitely live less for my mind.

What had the biggest impact for me was interpersonal honesty. 

I think that honesty is the quickest pathway out of thinking. It’s a direct route back into the experience of the moment, which, ultimately, is the experience of love. Telling the truth also means confessing lies from the past out-loud, and taking responsibility for your current experience. Sharing opinions is what most people consider honesty. It goes way deeper.

You can learn more about this here and here.

Let’s wrap this up:

I imagine that loving yourself is the state in which you don’t think about it. If our attention is captivated by thinking, you don’t do any good by more thinking. Imagine throwing a stone into a pond and seeing the ripples. How would you calm the pond down?

Let me know if you found this article helpful or join one of my free online sharing circles or Radical Honesty community events. I’m looking forward to seeing you there!

How to start practicing Radical Honesty?

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This week I didn’t know what to write about…

… so I decided to write about something I know a lot about.

Duh! I’m often resistant towards writing what comes easy. And I make my life hard by thinking (!) I need to come up with something utterly mind-blowing and unique every time I type.

So today, I am writing about my work: Radical Honesty.

To be more accurate, I will write about how to start practicing Radical Honesty…

… if you are completely new and never went to a workshop with me. 

The Basics of Radical Honesty

Above all, Radical Honesty is an awareness practice. 

Susan Campbell, my teacher, once said: You can only be as honest as you are aware. 

How true. We can only speak of what we actually notice. 

So first and foremost, Radical Honesty is an awareness practice. 

Second, Radical Honesty is about expressing yourself in a direct way.

Side-Note: Radical Honesty, of course, does not mean to share every single thought that pops into your monkey mind. It’s also not brutal honesty. The opposite is true: we want to drop below “just thoughts” and include more current and bodily aspects into your communication.

But how to kick-start your Radical Honesty practice?

Starting Small

If you have never been to a workshop, I recommend starting small.

It’s like going to the gym: without a personal trainer and plan, you might end up straining your muscles. Likely, you would not start with 250 pound deadlifts. Along the same logic, I don’t recommend starting Radical Honesty with your aggressive alcoholic uncle. You might shock your system into freeze, and then discourage yourself from trying again. 

That would be a pity!

If practiced properly, Radical Honesty can transform your life at the core.

But you might want to start with small stretches, not overstrains.

Namely, I’d say you want to work on the following:

• your tolerance for (unpleasant) physical sensation in your body

• your ability to distinguish between actual reality and your stories

• your noticing skills to include more aspects into your communication

• your willingness to value being real over being right (or winning arguments).

Without these, Radical Honesty will only scratch the surface.

Here are some practices you can dive into without much prep-work.

1. Name your intention

Instead of just small-talking, asking questions or telling stories, how about revealing your intention behind the obvious? Do you want to help someone? Do you want attention? Do you want to be seen in any specific way? Do you want to avoid being seen as incompetent?

Revealing your intention takes away some of the pressure to perform. 

Imagine starting a presentation like this: “I am nervous and I want to do this right!”

Before I keep on preaching, here is my intention for writing this:

1. To increase my SEO-ranking

2. To convince you to come to my Radical Honesty events

3. To keep to my routine of one article per week 

4. So you think I know what I am talking about.
   

2. Reveal some of your pretenses

If you often catch yourself pretending (and want to quit!), try this simple formula:

“Sometimes I pretend to you that I am (happy, listening, interested, etc.) …

… when I am actually (sad, thinking about something else, or annoyed).” 

Then pause and stay in the experience a little. 

After the 100 or so workshops I taught, I am still surprised that we all pretend in exactly the same ways. Sharing what you pretend does not only liberate you. You give others permission to do the same. If you want a more honest world, the best way is to start with yourself. 

It’s also the only way…

3. Ask more directly for what you want.

Kids ask for what they want passionately dispassionate. To them, the process of asking is a reward in itself: an energetic flow in the body. Few adults ask directly for what they want. We go the long, sneaky, indirect way, trying to manipulate our surroundings in our favour.

How about asking directly?

Yes, it’s scary. You might hear a direct “No”. Or sometimes worse, a direct “Yes”. 

Ultimately, it’s all just physical sensations in your body.

Here is a little blueprint for how to ask for what you want:

Step 1: State your desire

“I would like to go to the park” or “I want you to cook me dinner today”

Step 2: Ask

“Will you come with me?” or “Are you willing to do that?”

There is more to say on that, and I recommend you watch this video with me and Wheel of Consent founder Betty Martin for the nitty-gritty details.

Radical Honesty needs Time & Practice 

Don’t get discouraged. I am still learning Radical Honesty despite teaching for 5 years. At first I thought that I am just not made for this. I thought I should get this right away. When I lived with Brad Blanton on his farm, I overheard a radio interview he did. The interviewer asked:

“But isn’t this difficult to apply?”

Brad’s answer helped me relax about it:

“Of course. You need at least 2 years to revise your autopilot and have honesty sink into your bones. The older you are, the more foreign this might seem at first”. 

You worked hard on building that fortress of pretences. It will take some time to deconstruct.

Come join us for a workshop and get the community support and space you need to really learn Radical Honesty and transform your life at the core.

How to be Heard and Seen: The Art of Subtraction!

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Time and again, I felt unheard or unseen. 

Somehow, my message did not land. People did not get me. 

I thought I was very clear, yet people turned away from me, or stepped over my boundaries. 

At first, I blamed the world. Thought I was just too special to be understood. 

Then, I blamed myself: I tried to get louder, more eloquent, present, or aggressive. All to no avail. 

A breakthrough came when I discovered the world’s oldest language seven years ago.

The World’s Oldest Language

Humans across all corners of the earth share a common language. 

This language is older than Latin, more widespread than English. It evokes as many emotions as a Shakespeare play or Rumi poem. Babies intuitively understand it. We are all moved by it. It surrounds us. And most people I know experience joy being talked to via this language. This universal language is music. And today, we consume music mainly as songs. 

A song is communication between producer and listener. 

Each song carries a message, tells a story, expresses the artist’s inner world, and filters through the listener’s inner world.

Making a song involves different stages. 

First, the artist gathers her sonic elements and designs them to taste. Here she discriminates against thousands of options by choosing only a few. Next, the chosen elements are recorded. Then the artist arranges the elements to tell her story. Here she considers factors such as tension, release, and intensity. The listener has to be kept engaged and interested. 

Once the song is arranged, the hardest work begins.

Before mastering, exporting, and releasing a finished song, the music producer spends weeks mixing her work. 

Mixing music is a subtle, nitty-gritty science. A great mix separates a pro from an amateur. 

It can make the final difference between a global chart-topper and a mere top twenty. 

There are different mixing philosophies, but one underlying truth:

Mixing is all about maximising musical impact.

When I dipped my toes into the world of music production seven years ago, I finished my first song after a month. When I got to the mixing stage, I hit a wall. I just couldn’t make my lead sound stand out the way I wanted.

I tried a whole bunch of seemingly logical things:

• I made it louder, but that distorted the whole song. 

• I double-layered it with another instrument, but that redlined the volume 

• I threw more effects on it, but that changed the feel. 

• I made it more complex, but that altered the message. 

After two weeks, I was ready to throw in the towel. Nothing worked. This is insane. 

As a last resort, I consulted my friend Patrick. 

He’s a seasoned music producer with more than twenty years of production experience under his belt.

He listened, laughed, and said: “To make this element stand out, you have to turn down the rest.”

It’s not about adding more, but leaving out. 

The Subtle Art of Subtraction

To my surprise, the difference was staggering and immediately audible. 

The problem was not my lead element. It was the noise and unwanted frequencies from the other elements. 

Patrick said:

“Mixing is always about cutting and subtracting. This is counterintuitive, as we are all used to adding more stuff on top. But that just waters down our message. Cut all that’s not essential to make the essential ring through.”

It is through diligent elimination that the core message comes through and is heard by millions. 

Of course, my first song was heard by not more than a hundred people, but I learned a key lesson.

Leave out all that’s not essential to make space for the essential.

The same principles apply to our daily communication.

How to allow the world to hear you

Rarely, we need to say, elaborate, or explain more. We don’t need new tricks.

The key to being heard is to tune down the noise and cut out the distractions to our core message.

As a rule of thumb, if you force someone to figure you out, they lose interest.

Of course, you have to know what you actually want to say. If you don’t, how about some silence?

If you do know what your message is, eliminate the puffery, vagueness, and mystery. 

Say: “I love you.”

Don’t say: “Whenever I am with you I feel like, you know, just very special and we are just clicking and I have rarely felt this way with someone else and I often think about you for hours after we parted but then I tell myself to relax.”

Say: “I want to go eat ice cream. Are you coming with?” 

Don’t say: “It’s so warm outside today, right? God. Shouldn't we go for a walk? Hey, there’s that new ice cream place!”

Say: “I don’t agree.” 

Don’t say: “I recently read this new article and the writer proposed that we, as humans, should not do such and such. After all, we all should value this much more. I can send you the article, if you want to.”

Say: “I am angry at you, Marvin, for what you suggest here.”

Don’t say: Yeah, but, there is this 18th century philosopher who really thought about this for fifty years and he developed these categories for people and you don’t seem to understand the subtle differences between humans.

In short, cut the noise, say what you mean, pause, and listen for how your sentence lands. 

The mix of your life’s symphony will be clearer, cleaner and better heard. People hear what you have to say and actively listen. You will be more in tune with the world if you get direct.

Warning: This direct way of talking very likely leads to enhanced sensations in your body. 

Be prepared to feel more and have more time and energy for important things in your life.