When you are tired of playing games.

In 2016, I traveled Latin America for around nine month.

My last stop was Costa Rica. 

I was quite broke back then, so I staid in a cheap hostel by some beach. 

One night, me, one American guy, and two women sat in the hostel garden.

We sipped a beer and chit-chatted about all the things we did traveling.

I noticed how I found one of the women attractive. And then I envisioned all the possible sneaky tricks or strategies I could use to isolate her from her friend. I kept a polite facade. I engaged in the conversation. In my mind, I thought about having sex with her. That idea persisted at the forefront of my experience.

I felt increasingly isolated. I did some heavy thinking and planning in my head.

And I withheld what was actually going on inside of me from the group.

I had been in situations like this countless times.

So for the next thirty minutes, I was completely fake. 

My inner experience and my outside sharing where not in alignment at all.

And I felt more and more tired, bored, and wanted to go away. 

And when we got to the end of our beers, I said the exact words:

“Maybe it’s time to call it a night and go up.”

It was as if these words just left my mouth on complete auto-pilot. 

The others agreed and we slowly got ready to stand up.

I was tired of playing games

In that moment, I could not take my own fakeness any more.

My heartbeat ramped up and I could feel it in my throat. Fuck it, I thought. And so I said the following sentences. I did not say them to get anything. All I wanted was peace of mind and not to be split inside and go to bed with a hundred should haves & could haves.

So, I said:

“Okay. I want to admit something here that’s really embarrassing. And I’m scared to say this and I am shaking. This whole time, what I really wanted was to be alone with and probably have sex with you (I looked at the women I was attracted to). And I kept myself busy thinking about some strategies and things I could do to make that happen. I was not following the conversation. And I don’t know what to do.”

The moment I said this, my world came back to unity and I was quite awake!

That was the main energetic reward for me!

Now, what I did not expect was everyone’s reaction:

Her friend was so happy, she almost fell off her chair. She said how she always wished someone would say something like this. She thanked me a few times for my honesty.

The women I wanted to have sex with smiled.

I want to emphasise again that I did not say what I did as a strategy to get what I want.

I just wanted to be honest about my actual experience and put me out in the open. 

But of course, my statement changed the course of our whole interaction.

Her friend was nudging her knee and seemed to be in great support of my idea. 

So I said:

“How about we talk in private to get to know each other more?”

And we did.

Radical Honesty in Dating

A lot of people ask me if Radical Honesty works in dating. 

Well, that entirely depends on how you define “works”.

If you…

• Want to control the outcome of the situation

• Portray a certain image of yourself (eg. “cool” or “successful”) to the other

• Get an advantage through strategic honesty

• Say certain “nice” truths and avoid their opposite

• Want to change the other person 

It does not work. 

If you want to be fully present to whatever arises in the moment, get to know yourself and the other person, and keep your integrity, you might want to give Radical Honesty a try.

Being honest, you may get what you want or you may not.

In the case of my story, I got what I wanted.

Other times I did not. The outcome did not matter to me.

That’s not why I was honest.

I just wanted to be honest for the sake of being honest and not having a mental movie running parallel to reality. Fact is, you will find out quicker what the deal is when you are honest …

… and don’t have to put in so much effort to pretend.

Some people say: “But that level of honesty takes the joy or mystery out of dating.”

Well, it opens the door for a way deeper mystery. The mystery of real intimacy. Of having nourishing conversations that are based on the truth of the moment. There is nothing like really being present to our experience and sharing this with other people. It’s a like a psychedelic trip.

I recommend you read this article for further elaboration on this theme.

The Power of Completion Work

The Power of Radical Honesty Completion Work

This story illustrates the Radical Honesty Completion process. It’s the work of revisiting situations from the past and completing them by having honest, vulnerable conversations with the people involved. For me, having these difficult conversations was crucial for reclaiming my creative power and joy.

Enter Marvin:

I was around 3 years old.

We lived in a shared house in Oer-Erkenschwick, a small town in Western Germany as a family of four: me, my parents, and my brother. I just started to form my first memories at that time. For instance, I remember my brother and me chasing each other around the house while my mother was cleaning.

One day, my mother and I went on a small hike in the nearby forest.

We did that almost daily.

When we came back, my brother was gone. That means we found his room completely emptied out.

My mother was shocked. She did not know what was happening. I don’t have clear memories, but I can still feel tightness around my heart and shoulder as I think back. When my father came home, he was stunned and agitated. I remember my parents chain-smoking and arguing. It was unpleasant.

I was alone in my room, feeling sad. That became a theme for me.

Where is my brother?

I kept asking my parents.

They did not tell me. They did not know, I belief.

I do recall my mother's face – I’d describe it as sad. Pitiful. Hurt.

My father was more angry. He smoked a lot. My mom did too. She tried to be present with me. I could tell something was troubling her. Something was in the air: an unspoken tension; very thick air.

My brother never returned.

In fact, the next time I saw him was in a courthouse. He sued my parents. I was not allowed to greet him. My mom held me back. I feel pain in my shoulders as I write this. It must have been a terrible experience.

And then, I did not see him for 11 years.

I sometimes wondered what happened to him.

My parents would not tell me. At least I did not feel like they were telling me the truth.

And so, a person I loved and who was there for me was no longer there – for no apparent reason.

I continued living a brother-less life… Until I was fifteen years old.

He returned…

One afternoon, the phone rang.

I do remember this call, it was a very important one.

It was the first time my brother called; I haven’t seen him since the day in court.

My mom was euphoric and wanted me to do the same.

I was cold and indifferent. Honestly, I could not care less. So I thought.

Days later, he stood in our hallway. He carried a baby in his arm.

My parents pretended as if nothing ever happened, as if he was not gone for eleven years.

From that day, he was part of our family again.

He came to visit us more often. He brought the baby: my nephew.

I felt no connection to him.

Some years passed. I was in university. My brother had two more kids. I skipped most family meetings. I said I needed to study. Or meet friends. Which were all excuses in retrospect.

I felt guilty for that, and I kept doing it. I had no way out.

The Weight of Unfinished Business

I was not aware of how much this situation affected me for over twenty years.

I had build a thick character armour around this open wound to not see my pain.

In reality, brother leaving like he did weighted heavily of my being. I did not trust other humans, especially men. I never got too close to anyone, for they might abandon me. And sometimes, I unconsciously recreated situations of betrayal or abandonment to proof to myself that I’m better off alone. I also did not allow myself to fully love someone, for they might just split overnight and leave me broken hearted.

I did not know any of that consciously, until I actually learned about Radical Honesty.

Sadly, our unfinished emotional business holds us back more than we can be conscious of.

Most people’s lives are perfectly orchestrated to distract themselves from their pain.

We need to talk…

Some weeks after my first Radical Honesty workshop it dawned on me:

“I have to go and talk to my brother.”

I hesitated for a few days.

My mind came up with great excuses for not having the talk:

“Is this really necessary? I mean, he does not call you. You don’t need him in your life. He hurt you. He abandoned you. Why would you be vulnerable with someone like that?”

Luckily, I recognised these thoughts as mental manifestations of fear. And I knew that was a sign I really needed to have that conversation. Good for us, fear points the way towards blocked love in these cases.

After avoiding the call for a few more days, I had enough and could not fool anyone anymore.

I picked up the phone…

“I want to talk to you alone about something.” I said.

“I was waiting for the day you would say that,” he answered.

We agreed on a time and place to meet and talk.

Seeing a human being beyond my story

On the way, I was not sure how this would go.

My mind produced a thousand different scenarios of what might happen, including

• me being arrested by the police for being crazy.

• him just walking away.

• us getting into a fight.

• bla bla bla bla more fear bla bla

Nevertheless, I felt a sense of clarity and power in my body.

We met in a quiet cafe outside.

After some idle chit-chat, I took a deep breath and looked at him:

“I resent you for leaving home when I was three. I resent you for your absence.”

He looked at me. He did not speak. I said the same thing again. This time, with more anger in the expression. My vision went blurry. My body trembled. I said it a few more times with different words and also things like:

“I am sad that you left. I felt so alone without you.”

I kept feeling my body, trying to find the words that fit how I really felt inside.

After 7 minutes, I relaxed and sank back in my chair. My vision of him changed. For the first time, I saw him as a present-tense human being and not as the story I made of him. I appreciated him for a bunch of things. We talked for some more time, but the core body of the work happened for me within 5-10 minutes.

20 years of stories partly collapsed!

On my way home, I smelled new smells. I felt happy. And free.

A huge weight began to shift and partly fall off my shoulders, making space for new connections.

That story I had held on to for years gobbled up large parts of my creative potential. Once I went back in to experience the underlying feelings fully, I had more room for new creative acts. I started writing and publishing. I started my first business. I knew the value of Radical Honesty Completion Work.

What if we all told the truth?

What if we all told the truth?

Let’s embark on a little thought experiment.

What if we all told the truth? Radical Honesty for everyone…

Imagine a world of full-on honesty

Feelings would get hurt. People would be sad. And angry. Relationships would end. People would be fired from work. Or quit. Marriages would be divorced. Friendships would split. There would be conflicts left and right. There would be jealousy and existential fear. Some people might think we are crazy. Some might not like us. Some might call us names. Our parents might disown us. Family gatherings would blow up. The chips would fall where they may…

… and we would not be in control.

Let’s look at the current world.

The status quo, today

People are hurt. And sad. And angry. Relationships do end. People are fired from work. Some quit. More than half of all marriages are divorced. Friends stop talking to each other. There are wars and conflicts left and right. There are jealousy and existential fear. People think we are crazy. Some people really can’t stand us. Some call us names. Children are disowned by their parents. Family gatherings blow up and people leave without talking to each other…

… and we are not in control.

What’s the difference?

Three things…

1. Less time is wasted

Honesty is a magnifying glass. We bring out what’s already there. This has one advantage in my opinion: we waste less time avoiding the obvious. Telling the truth about anger does not make you angrier, it simply states the facts. Lying about anger does not make you less angry, it simply keeps it under the surface. And there, it festers, grows. Like cancer.

Better get it out sooner than later. Life is short and time is valuable.

2. Real contact is made

Telling the truth means showing up how you actually are. You connect based on truth. The True Self is not a concept. It’s sharing what is actually true for you, right now. And that may lead you to just where you need to be, with just the right people who have a chance of loving the real you.

3. aliveness comes back

Honesty, which means saying what is true for you, tickles feelings awake. Verbalising your truth activates a range of physical sensations. Some are more pleasant than others. Some are short and sweet. Others last a bit longer. At the end of the day, they are all just physical sensations.

In Radical Honesty, we sometimes say:

Life is just sensational when life is just sensational.

Final Thoughts

Life is bigger than all of us. We are never as much in control as we think. Sh*t happens, whether we tell the truth or not. The sh*t that happens from telling the truth is, on average, juicier and can be gotten over. There will be hurt, and pain. And there will be joy and pleasure.

Honesty is gaining faith in something larger than yourself. Can you meet us there?

Real intimacy through Radical Honesty

How to Create Real Intimacy using Radical Honesty

When John Rosania, founder of Honesty-Lab, asked me to share a personal story, I thought I would definitely not share the one I am about to tell you right now.

I feel heat in my face. I notice my breath and belly. I’m scaring myself about being misunderstood.

This story is about sex… with a woman almost twice my weight!

After my first Radical Honesty Workshop back in 2013, I moved from the United States back to Germany.

I lived in a city called Münster. I was in the process of cleaning up my past by having honest conversations with important people in my life. One day, a friend set me up on a blind date. He only knew her from pictures.

I judged her to be pretty on her pictures. And slim.

I don‘t really care much for skinny women, but my personal preference can be described as „not too fat“.

We agreed to meet at a cafe around 8pm.

I stood on the street, waiting. I felt my heart and my breath. A car pulled up. A blond girl sat behind the wheel. It was her – and let‘s call her Sarah from now on.

Sarah fixed her hair in the mirror, opened the door, and walked around the car.

A wave of heat rose to my face and my stomach felt tight.

Sarah was really big – and by that I mean that I could not hug her and touch my hands behind her back (and I‘m not a T-Rex with short arms). She walked towards me. I faked a quick smile. She looked nervous. I WAS nervous. My first impulse was to pretend that I am not really me and just walk away. My body was tense. Although I can‘t recall my exact thinking at the moment, it went something like this:

„Shit. Oh no. What am I going to do? Fuck. I don‘t want to be seen with her in public. What if my friends see me? Damn. How does she look so slim in her pictures? I don‘t know, but take that as a lesson to never go on a blind date again…“

You get the idea. So what did I do?

I decided to stay… and practice Radical Honesty.

Real Intimacy through practicing Radical Honesty

After one hour of idle, chit-chat I tired myself with being polite and pretending.

I decided to get real and address the elephant in the room: my thoughts and judgments!

Really, I forgot how I started the conversation, but I think I started by saying that I am really nervous to say what I am about to say. And that I have been obsessively thinking about it for quite a while.

And that I want to get over myself to be present.

Now, here is the kicker, folks: I did not have the following talk to justify that I am right. Also, I did not have it just to say what I think. I had the conversation simply because it was true and pressing for me and I wanted to get real and maybe get over my thoughts.

And so I said: „I feel tight in my belly and heat in my face. I imagine you are fat. And I thought about turning around the second I saw you.“ I felt my breath and the heat in my face. I looked at her.

The heat got even hotter.

She looked down at first. Then she looked back at me. We both sat there. The heat decreased. My heartbeat went back to normal. And then I suddenly felt a strange sense I would call “connection“ and “appreciation“.

For the first time, I saw that her face was attractive for me.

Then I shared a resentment, saying: „I resent you for the picture you have on WhatsApp.“

After a few moments of discomfort, she thanked me for telling her and being honest.

And my whole world relaxed.

I imagine you should want to kiss me more than I want to kiss you

Now, of course I could have not told her…

I could have made up excuses for having to leave early – fake a phone call or something – and block her number (I used to do those things in the past). I bet she was used to this happening, too.

But by actually speaking about my own bullshit thinking, I got over the need to run!
The conversation took a whole new path.

I actually felt attracted to her. We laughed. It was now a fun time. After another hour, we went back to my place. We sat on my sofa and I wanted to kiss Sarah. She turned away.

Like a punch to the gut, I sank forward.

Immediately, my mind came in: “kick her out. Fake an appointment”.

But instead of retreating to my thoughts, I kept the honesty up and said: „I resent you for turning away now. And I imagine you should want to kiss me more than I want to kiss you.“

I felt my body shaking and then she giggled. I laughed too. I relaxed again. My thoughts faded into the background. Heightened awareness of the moment took over. Eventually, we kissed.

And talked more honestly about our feelings, thoughts, and judgments. I was amazed to see how I can actually get over shit by speaking about it. And how I became attracted to her. And how she was not very hurt of offended. Even she was relieved. Hell, she knew she was big, so why pretend otherwise?

Now, this is already quite a long story, so let me summarise the rest.

She went home that night. We met again a few days later.

Then we went to her place. We got naked. I shared my judgments about her body. She shared hers.

We had sex.

During sex, I thought „she is really fat… like a pig.“ I wanted to repress that thought at all costs. But by resisting it, it actually stayed with me for some time. After sex, I told her about the thought, feeling ashamed.

She laughed. And said: „But you liked it, right?“

I did like it. And I liked her.

We stayed in contact and met a few times. I learned about her life. She learned about mine. She told me about developing an eating disorder after her last relationship. She said she was really happy I told her what I told her and that she needed to hear this.

We only went out of contact after I left the country to go on a long trip that eventually lasted 18 months.

She was a warm, courageous, and kind woman – something I would have never learned if I would have lied about my judgments and taken my thoughts too serious. For me, this is a prime example of how Radical Honesty created real intimacy and how I can get over judgments by expressing them and feeling my way through my body.

Do you judge me for saying what I have said? What would you have done?

Let me know!

Radical Honesty at work

It was a Saturday; a cold Saturday in January. 

My friends from Munich took me for a day-hike up the snow-covered mountains of Bavaria. We had a good time, talked and joked. I took out my phone. A message from my boss at the time.

I stripped off my gloves, unlocked the screen…

Marvin, I need you to check your emails now. You have to do this urgent thing for me.

I tensed up. My breathing was shallow. My legs stiffened. 

My thought-computer began to work: “I will quit first thing on Monday!”

A Brief History of my Work

Back in the days before Radical Honesty, I worked for different companies. Always in offices. I drank coffee, sat on my arse, and smiled. I did little work. I surfed the internet. I knew how to manipulate my surroundings. They thought I was great, an adult version of being a “good boy” – pretty much one of the worst things you can be. 

I said “Yes” when I meant “No”. 

I said “How are you doing?” when I meant “I feel terrible”. 

I said “Thank you in advance” when I meant “fuck you a thousand times.”

I never lasted too long in any job. I always quit. And lied about my reasons.

When I had built up too much resentment, inhibited my expression for too long, I searched for the next best thing. Maybe a different country? Yes. I went to New York. South Africa. Back to New York. More lying. Withholding. Pretending. Maybe marketing instead of sales?

So I slimed around the world, dragging a stack of unfinished business behind me.

But this was different. The above happened after I learned about Radical Honesty.

An example of Radical Honesty at Work

And so I went to work on Monday. Of course, I knew that quitting would be avoiding. There was a growth opportunity there. Every time you are frustrated, hit an impasse, there is a potential for real growth if you are willing to go into the discomfort of the unknown.

I pussyfooted around my boss. Then, after two hours of build-up, I asked him for a talk.

We kicked it off with some casual banter.

I felt my heart rate increase. My hands tingled. My legs felt tensed up. I avoided direct eye contact. My heart hammered even faster. Knowing I am about to rock the boat never fails to give me some cheap thrills.

Finally, I took a deep breath:

Me: “I have one more thing I want to tell you, and I’m scared to do so.”

Him: “What’s that?”

Me: “I am angry at you for writing to me on Saturday about that work. I don’t want to work on Saturdays.”

He smiled, nodded his head and his eyes lit up

Him: “Yeah, I am really sorry about that. I never wanted to be that guy asking people to do any work on the weekend. I hate it myself. And you were the only one speaking German.”

Me: “I appreciate you for saying that you are sorry and that you never wanted to be that guy”.

I don’t remember what happened after… But we ended like this:

Him: “Thank you for telling me this! That’s why I never want you to stop working with me. You are one of the few people I can trust to tell me their truth.”

Before the talk, I thought I would quit or be fired. After the talk, we became better friends. He even offered me to stay at his holiday home sometimes, helped me find freelance work. 

You can be Honest at Work

In fact, I think you owe it to yourself.

Usually, fear is the gatekeeper to the unknown. 

And bosses represent fathers, grandfathers, teachers… it’s sort of an extension of your family dynamics. Especially large corporations are gigantic patriarchal dysfunctional families, characterized by people’s avoidance to really grow up in their power.

Radical Honesty is possible at work.

Likely, you will be better off than before.

“if you are fired for showing your real self, congratulations! What the hell are you doing there in the first place? If you break through an impasse and grow in your expression while staying there, also great. You might get a raise soon.”

Either way, lying and playing fake roles never served anybody in the long-run. You waste your own inner resources and genius and also waste the companies.

If you are scared, start small. That’s okay. But start somewhere. Start with friends.
Come to a Radical Honesty meetup. or come to a workshop.

You don’t serve yourself – or anyone, really – by playing small.

Four Subtle Pitfalls of Radical Honesty

Me and my fellow Radical Honesty trainers write newsletters to the international Radical Honesty community. Recently my friend Tuulia shared some strategies for getting over everyday bullshit. It’s a great, peer-sourced collection of tricks, suitable even for beginners.

Reading it, I inspired myself to write about four subtle pitfalls of Radical Honesty.

These are four patterns I observed in myself and others over the years.

Maybe you can relate, or maybe this will help you with your personal honesty practice.

The common theme here is this: turning one great experience into a new rule…

… and then ruling out new experiences.

1. Trying hard to get over stuff

In our Radical Honesty universe, we are biased towards getting over stuff.

We know that it’s a more invigorating, healthier way than holding grudges and old romances.

However, getting over stuff is more a nice byproduct of honesty than a goal in itself.

From experience, I can say that trying to get over “this or that” can be a trap. The effort and focus on the result might block the release I crave. Time and again, I overlooked small shifts and changes that already took place. I was too hooked on the idea of some grand release.

Instead of trying too hard to get over stuff, try this:

Are you stuck or hung-up on some situation? Then see what you held back in your communication. Likely, there was some expression you did not give, something you lied about or did not ask for. Can you go back to the people and say what now needs to be said?

By saying what’s true, you increase the chances of really getting over stuff.

2. Thinking you should like everyone

This was big for me.

More often than not, Radical Honesty leads to liking the very people we loathed. The best example is with my fellow Radical Honesty trainer Jura. In our first talk, years ago, I called her a “dirty hippie bi**h”. Then I relaxed and realised some of my wounds and pains.

After plenty of such cases, I created a few great beliefs:

“If I tell the truth enough, I will like everyone. In fact, I should like everyone and must try to.”

Today, I have healthy preferences for who I want to spend time with.

I am not saying to avoid certain people, or writing them off as too difficult.

Especially with people close to you, I recommend getting in contact and telling your truth.

But don’t hypnotise yourself into having to like everyone.

I doubt Brad Blanton would fall in love with Trump, even after ten completion talks.

But maybe he would tolerate him more, have some more peace in his mind.

3. Using quick resentments as a cover-up

Learning to express and work with anger directly was life-changing for me.

I finally had a tool (and proper justification!) for being angry out loud.

But expressing quick resentment often was a control pattern ...

… to not be with uncomfortable physical sensations. Or get some quick release.

Don’t get me wrong, if anger is in the foreground, by all means say it. But don’t stop there.

I often used anger as a sure-fire way to get the upper hand when I really felt helpless. I got loud to feel some movement in stuck situations. I blew up and resented someone when I felt intimidated, insecure, or afraid. Or to protect some old wounds and guard my softness.

With powerful practices like Radical Honesty we need to be our own whistleblowers.

Is anger really the only reaction here? Or am I also covering something?

The key is to notice more, moment-to-moment. And check and re-check your intention.

4. Becoming stifled by “the method”

Brad always said: “Today’s liberating insight becomes tomorrow’s jail.”

Well, that can include Radical Honesty if you get stifled by “the method.”

I don’t know about you, but I am great at creating new, shinier jails for myself.

When I first practiced Radical Honesty, I broke free from a lot of bullshit in my life. I felt so much more alive. But soon, I turned the method into a big, fat, and juicy must. I found myself in yet another prison: “I must always tell the truth. And I must tell it like we do in workshops!”

Of course, this is an impossible standard to live up to…

… one that led me to a lot of frustration, self-judgment, and lack of compassion for myself.

Here I was, trapped again inside the jail of my own beliefs and rules.

Ultimately, Radical Honesty is a flexible, in-the-moment practice, not a straightjacket.

Radical Honesty takes time, community, and practice.

I needed two or three years of practice until I found my own Radical Honesty style – one that honors my history, traumas, and uniqueness. And includes playfulness and perspective.

Today, after nine years, honesty is a big part of me and feels like second nature.

And I want to be careful not to be too automatic in truth telling. Radical Honesty is about awareness as much as it is about expression.

What are some of the pitfalls you experience with Radical Honesty?