Modesty is ego
This is a true story. I don’t think I’ve ever told this in public.
When I was thirteen years old, my father scored a few afterparty passes to the Bravo Supershow.
It was the pinnacle event of pop-music during my teenage years. All my idols shared the stage.
I sported my glittering triple-silver Southpole tracksuit, my fake-silver Wu-Tang chain, and my Nick Carteresque Centre-parting. I was on a mission to scavenge autographs from my favourite stars.
Around 9 PM, a well-dressed guy approached us.
He identified himself as Thomas Anders’ talent scout. Thomas Anders is the (probably) lesser known half of the German duo Modern Talking, spearheaded by “Pop-Titan" Dieter Bohlen.
“Do you have any singing experience?” He asked after a while.
I shook my head.
“That’s no big problem. We could teach you and fix the rest in the studio.”
My dad and I spoke with him for twenty minutes or so.
“I think you have something the industry needs.” He slid us his card.
My dad, of course, immediately vetted his credentials.
The guy was sincere, well-respected, and was who he said he was.
At home, I could barely sleep. I was too excited. The next morning, I told my mom.
“Mom, I could be a star. This talent scout person said I could play in Gute Zeiten, Schlechte Zeiten (a former television series) and then maybe have my own pop-duo with another person they will cast. They will teach me how to sing and act.”
I remember feeling really vibrant in my upper body.
Her initial response was sobering: “Marvin, this is quite an egotistical thing to want”
Safety on the sidelines
I don’t remember the exact chain of events. We mulled the idea over for two weeks.
In my memory, my father was more supportive. He talked to the scout a few times.
My mother was more resistant. Many things were said over those weeks.
Finally, the negotiation ended with a phone call:
“Marvin wants to finish school first and go into higher education after.”
We refused the offer. I was sad. I still am sad writing this twenty-one years later.
Not because I wanted to be a singer, I never actually wanted that.
I am sad about these deadening and playfulness-shackling beliefs I created:
Being in the foreground or on stage is egotistical
Playing and doing something fun is selfish
Being admired is something I should not want
Keeping on the sidelines is humble and better
Being rich and famous means stealing from others
Wanting to be big in anything is a selfish desire
And so I studied business, collected two degrees, and worked in humble jobs…
… until I burned myself out at 26 by suppressing my true desires, inhibiting excitement & feelings, and pretending to be someone I was not. False modesty and playing small did not get me anywhere.
“That’s the most egotistical thing you’ve said so far!”
Two years ago, I went to Virginia to visit my old teacher Brad Blanton.
He hosted a Life Purpose workshop on a local organic farm.
In one session, I spoke about the electronic music I was making, and my blockages.
I had forty or so finished tracks. I struggled to pinpoint what I wanted to achieve with it.
I said something like this:
“You know, I think I should not want to be THAT guy standing there on stage, soaking in attention, and controlling how people dance with buttons I push. I don’t want to be driven by my ego.”
I’ll never forget Brad’s answer to that.
“That’s the most egotistical thing you’ve said so far!”
He continued.
“Thinking you should not be on stage is ego-driven bullshit. It’s just another side of the same coin. Falsely modest people are often the biggest egomaniacs. They are worse than the ones who go on stage. They are hoarding their unique gifts and talents, are super-righteous, and condemn those things they secretly wish for themselves.”
That landed, and since then I have been exploring this.
What’s egoistic?
I was quick to write-off certain surface-level actions as egoistic.
But can I really judge an action as egoistic, humble, or selfless without digging deeper?
Can’t a seemingly humble, selfless person, giving their last cent to charity, be a complete ego-maniac?
Can a seemingly egotistical, guitar-smashing rockstar with five wives be humble, selfless, and serve others?
What does make the difference is the underlying orientation.
And I believe that the main distinctive factor is fear. Fear is at the root of ego.
Most of the time I thought I was modest and noble, but I was just shitscared to do what I really wanted.
I used fake humility and modesty as rosy, socially-accepted cover-ups for my fear.
And when my mom said “that is quite an egoistic thing to want” ...
… she was just scared of how I would end up.
Some Final Thoughts
Ultimately, what really matters is this:
Are you doing what you want, or not?
To those that think doing what you want is selfish, picture this:
Imagine that the young, pre-pop star Madonna decided that being on stage is too selfish. That she should not get the attention. Should not have fun doing what she loves and rather work in a job, to not stand-out. Firstly, she would have likely been very unhappy. Secondly, in the name of selflessness, she would have actually robbed millions of girls around the world from a chance to dance, celebrate, wear nice outfits, and stand up for themselves a little bit more. Madonna being the fullest version of Madonna is helping people all around the world to be a bit bigger themselves.
So next time you point the ego gun at someone, you know that somewhere in the shadows of you is a desire, a secret dream, a craving for the figurative or literal spotlight.