The Illusion of Normality

New Normality or Screw Normality?

My mom used to tell me to be normal. My teachers said “that ain’t normal”. My bosses said “2 hours overtime per day are normal”. The world is calling for a NEW normal but I haven’t even caught up to the normal normal. Damn. Time to slow down and look at the concept of normality…

…and whether wanting to be normal is a realistic goal!

The Illusion of Normality 

Humankind is special in many ways. For one, we are likely the first species on this earth to have developed numbers and the ability to calculate and measure. This was a grandiose step towards describing reality and categorising things. It made life easier.

We can predict the weather. 

However, it also created a static lense through which we view the world. 

We have created a numbers-cult, pervading all areas of our life.

Rankings, statistics, and averages suggest what is normal. The concept of normality is the average of the current noticeable behavior of society. We sum up everything there is and divide it by the amount of people. Voila! We have normality. But, frankly, that ain’t looking too rosy these days:

The normal German therefore is mildly obese, unhappy, divorces their marriage with a likelihood of 40%, is 50% unhappy at work, calls 1,39 children their own and watches 211 minutes of TV, daily. Want to sign up for this normality, right now?

Not me. Muchas gracias.

Just the way you are

We seem to forget that the Pursuit of Normality is a contradiction in itself. You are already included in the current normality, exactly the way you are right now, without even trying. You are already part of the norm. Trying to be normal therefore is like always coming late to the party. Life is what matters. The concept of normality just tries to make sense of it in retrospect.

Normality will always adapt to you, not vice versa.

Get that? 

Normality has to accommodate your uniqueness, not the other way around. 

The biggest enemy of a free and fulfilled life is orienting yourself externally. Especially in a society where most people are high-functioning neurotics, why would you want to do that? Being normal means to drift down a river of unrealistic goals and expectations, removing yourself from your own source of genius. 

But we need YOU! We want YOUR weirdness and unique character.

Lord, spare me from being normal. 

A one-way-ticket to boredom, please!

You don’t have to be the Buddha to observe that most humans suffer!

We suffer because we blindly subordinate our own desires to the ideas of a brought-into-line society. Unquestioned, we follow norms and standards. Something does not feel right to us? It does not matter. We don’t trust our own judgments. We learned to impress people we don’t even like.

We hide our own inner voice, even drown it out with excesses in sugar, drugs, sex, etc.

We lie to each other's faces. We hide behind niceties. Superficial harmony with each and every human being is valued higher than authentic self-expression and internal harmony with your soul. High blood pressure. Anxiety. Diabetes. Stress. Those are often results of castrating your own individuality.

No one dares to question the obvious!

Guidelines are followed, even if we don’t agree with them.

But without people doing that, we as a society would still live in caves.

Humankind needs you to get out of line and question the norm. This is where progress comes in.

Most people sleepwalk through life in a daze, completely caught up in the auto-pilot of their thinking minds. Normal people rarely make their dreams come true. At their death beds, people wish they had the courage to lead a life true to themselves, not true to the expectations of society.

Unfortunately, that’s a bit late, ain’t it?

A truly self-reliant, happy person is not normal 

The 5% of us living more self-fulfilled lives are not striving for a normal life.

They don’t act according to established patterns. They don’t live in rigid structures they did not choose for themselves. Those people are the entrepreneurs, musicians, artists, good parents, and revolutionaries of our times. Normal society consumes the creations of those who are not normal!

These days, in a society in which your Instagram follower count matters more than who you really are as a human being, I’d wager that the abnormal people are the happier ones. 

• Happiness and Joy are abnormal

• Autonomous thinking is abnormal

• Telling the truth is abnormal

• Talking to strangers is abnormal

• Walking one’s own walk of life is abnormal 

• Talking about feelings is abnormal

• Laughing with no reason is abnormal

• Being fully engaged in the NOW is abnormal

The end is certain…

Unlike in movies, our own personal end is certain. One day, we will die. There will be that last day. A day when there will be no more days after that. We can arrive at that day in two very different ways.

Or let’s say we have a spectrum of 2 extremes here:

We will either arrive at our own end with a sack of unrealised dreams and potentials, broken and full of regrets.

Or, we arrive in style, ready to leave and grateful for the life we had.

Probably, we will be somewhere in between those two extremes. But I don’t know. 

Every morning, we have a chance to move towards either direction.

“It’s normal to work from 9 to 5 in a soulless job. Looking forward to the weekend on a Monday is normal. Lying is normal. Screen addiction is normal. Negativity is normal. Being sick is normal. Fast food is normal. Being financilly broke is normal. Hating your work is normal. Knowing more about the Kardashians than about your own grandparents and not even thinking that this might be an issue is normal. ”

A Revolution of Love and Life itself

Tell me, when do YOU feel most alive?

Aren’t those the days when something unexpected happens?

The days when your expectations and routines are interrupted for a short moment?

The stories we remember the most are the ones where something innocent happens, something we could not have predicted by sheer logic! Sweet, sweet moments of pure existence.

We all long for them.

Yet we keep ourselves from the joy our hearts seek by investing way too much time in thinking.

And here is the thing:

I don’t care about a new normality or old normality or any normality, like ever. 

What I care about is this:

I care about the uniqueness of each and every one of us. What do you long for? What are your fears? What are your wildest dreams? What are your hopes? I care about what touches your heart. I care about how you are feeling in your own body, not how people say you COULD or SHOULD feel. 

I care about love. And animals. I care about a world of people before profits. 

And really, I don’t think that normality will get us there! Not even the new normality! Sorry.

I think we need to radically change our modus operandi. 

We need a revolution of people reconnecting with their own intuition and voices and dreams and hopes. And from there, being firmly grounded in our own unique-weird-being, we can co-create a new world.

A world in which hope arises even in times of despair!

The Dilemma of Trusting Yourself

The Dilemma of Trusting Yourself

I grew up in industrial Germany as a shy, well-educated, nice boy. 

My dad was poor throughout the first three decades of his life, and stole in shops to get by. His father was an alcoholic, broken by the war. In my family, having a good job was the Holy Grail. To be employed and impress other people, micro-manage the image they have about you, is the highest goal.

So I spent the first quarter of my life designing my character as a good worker.

I lied to be liked by people I did not like. Ouch. This hurts to write. 

At 26, I was tired of working for corporations and spinning the greed-wheel. From studying abroad in Mexico and China and experimenting with minor psychedelic drugs I had a glimpse at what kind of life could be possible for me.

I wanted to start my own business. Yet I had no reference experience in doing so.

At that time I worked in my American Dream Job as the Executive Assistant to Bertelsmann in New York City. This was a big achievement. Everyone I knew was proud. Yet on the inside I felt lonely and isolated, knowing I was suppressing my true desires and inner voice somehow. 

I was stuck in the present, held back by the past, unable to move towards my future. 

Whenever I thought about quitting my work and starting my own business, my rational mind jumped in terror and rang the alarm bells in defense of my status quo. 26 long years of diligent conditioning stood against a seemingly foolish desire for a more free, independent life. 

“What do you think you are doing? You worked so hard for this. You are a manager now. You wanted this. You will be rich. You can get all the women. You reached your dreams. Stay.”

My dad was very supportive and told me he would love me either way.

He told me to just trust in myself.

Unfortunately, in my situation this good piece of advice did the opposite. 

Until I understood what it actually means to trust myself. 

A limiting view of the Self 

To place trust in yourself, you have to know who you really are…

...and you have to be able to trust. 

At the time of my dilemma, I was entirely identified with the story I told about myself. 

That meant that I lived purely for my image. I thought that who I was as a human being was all the thoughts I produced. By default, all my attention went straight to my head. I tried to reason, figure out, and make meaning out of everything. At times, I even forgot that I was a body. 

I had no space between me and my thoughts. 

This burned me out, led me to the brink of collapse a few times. 

When I thought about trusting myself, I only reinforced all the limiting beliefs I had. 

If you would have asked me who I am, I would have handed you my German ID and told you about my grades from business school and the car I drove. I tried to compensate for my lack of faith by finding strong concepts in the outside world to cling to: Germany, Jesus, Eminem.

I cried when the German soccer team lost. I did not cry when my grandfather died. 

And of course, if your story about yourself is that limited, how can you trust yourself?

And even if you believe grandiose stories about yourself, they are equally limiting. They might enable you to act more than stories of defeat, yet believing them reinforces an illusion.

Thinking you are the greatest or thinking you are a loser are two sides of the same coin: thinking. And the goal is not to move from one side to the other, but to gain distance from this false self-inflating game and live in the space of experience that surrounds this. 

Growing out of your self-made boxes

Luckily, I had practiced some yoga and meditation at that time.

Still, I needed 4 weeks to scramble together my bits of courage and ask for a conversation with my boss. When the day of the meeting came, I felt paralyzed with fear. I leaned against one of the skyscrapers on Broadway for about 30 minutes. My legs felt frozen and shaky. 

I finally pep-talked myself into movement with some quotes I remembered. 

I felt sick and nauseous on my way to the meeting.

I stopped the elevator half-way to the 36th floor to go to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Images of David versus Goliath came to mind. And through all the noise cut a voice that said: 

“Just trust in yourself.”

This time, I smiled. I intuitively knew what it meant.

And so I had the first honest conversation with a perceived authority figure. Despite my worst nightmares of being escorted out of the building by the police for being a traitor, my former boss congratulated me on my decision and walked with me through New York City. 

I noticed the birds and the smells, and saw people's faces. 

I outgrew my box, came a bit closer to myself.

The greater Self as the Here & Now 

Ultimately, trusting yourself means to have faith in life itself.

This means to trust that there are forces outside of your control that keep you alive.

Millions of processes happen each second inside of your body, outside of your control. Trust that the way of life can be free and joyous. I called this faith. Faith is not a religious term. It means trusting nature and your body. Who you really are is not the story you tell yourself.

Of course, this character-layer helps in some social contracts. And there is a place for stories. I love stories. This whole article is a story. Yet, who you are as a human being is always bigger than your self-talk. If this were wrong, how would change be possible?

How could you have made it from child to adult?

Regaining basic trust in yourself 

You have demonstrated a lot of trust already, or you would not be in this world. Trust is nothing you have to learn from scratch. It’s not a concept or fancy new idea. 

I think that basic trust has to lead back into your body.

Trusting that your involuntary nervous system is keeping you alive and that your body can get over anger, hurt, shame, guilt, and fear if you allow it. Trust that you are part of this big thing called life and that you have a place in it and can ask for what you want. 

This comes down to one basic realization: 

No matter what happens, it’s just physical sensations in your body, mixed with some thoughts. Most of us scare ourselves in advance to not feel discomfort. But to develop faith in life, just remember that everything you can experience are simply thoughts and physical sensations.

As an experiment in experiencing basic trust, I recommend taking one small verbal risk today. Maybe tell someone that you love them. Or tell someone that you did not like something they did. Or talk to a stranger.

Or call your mom if that’s hard for you. 

In the process, notice all the bodily sensations.

Notice the thoughts coming up. And don’t argue or fight them. Just notice. 

See if you can stay in the space of noticing for a little bit.

If you accumulate enough small experiences of surviving discomfort, you will gradually develop greater faith in your body. You will be able to deal with whatever life brings your way. Let me know how your experiment is going.

You can get good at this, and it is never ending.

Love is Not What You Think: The Art of Loving Yourself

There was a time in my life when I did not like myself much.

I judged almost everything I did as wrong. An unforgiving nagger seemed to live inside my head, spoiling each moment with rotten commentary, demanding attention. At that time, I argued with every thought I had, was unable to relax and just let things be. I was plaintiff, defendant, and judge all at once in my mental puppet theater. 

I truly believed that I was my thoughts and had zero contact with my body. 

One day before I was booked to fly to America to start yet another corporate job, I laid on the floor. I was unable to move. My body literally gave up. I could not take it anymore and needed a break. Yet I tried to fix the problem with more thoughts; tried to override my body with willpower.

As soon as I could move again, I went drinking. And then upgraded my flight to business class for more comfort. And then lived a dulled-down existence for months, feeling out of place and powerless. The nagging went on: “You can’t even make a decision.”

A friend then told me: just love yourself, dude.

But how CAN I love myself? 

And so I read books, listened to all the motivational programs, and tried to reprogram my thinking.

But nothing stuck. 

The more I tried...

… the less I loved myself.

But how was that possible? 

All my life, I thought that failure is the result of not trying hard enough. I thought everything could be fixed with a little more control and effort. In this case, each new attempt at loving myself more just seemed to recreate and perpetuate the problems I was trying to conquer. 

By trying to love myself more, I fostered the idea that I did not do so already.

My underlying assumption was that I lacked something and had to get it.

I tried to find an error, but the mechanism I used was the error itself. 

It’s like trying to play guitar with a piano: it’s never going to work, and eventually you’re probably going to have two totally fucked-up instruments.

And so, my thoughts were the wrong place to look. 

Ideas about love are not love

Thinking that you love yourself and actually loving yourself are two different things. Pictures of Jamaica are not the real Jamaica. Porn is not sex. One is the conceptualized, romantic idea about the thing, the other is the actual thing... beyond concepts and ideas. 

And often, a rigid concept gets in the way of experiencing the actual thing.  

If you really want to avoid experiencing love, become a true believer in the idea of love. Write a book about love. The stronger our belief, the less we experience. You’d better believe that. 

That was certainly the case when I tried to love myself more. 

All the trying and fixing kept my focus in the wrong place: on the content of my thoughts.

But genuine self-love can’t be found within your stream of thoughts. 

Just like the real Jamaica can’t be found on Google Maps. 

Seeing through the game

You might reprogram your language. Or tell yourself more pleasant thoughts about yourself. This is probably better than thinking that you hate yourself. Yet it’s only a plateau. Lasting self-love lives where it does not matter whether you think that you love yourself, or want vanilla ice cream. Working with your thoughts can be a good intermediate step though.

It was for me.

Maybe the intense trying and working within my mind eventually led me to realizing it’s limitations. The breakthrough came when I sat down at the desk in my lifeless NYC apartment and wrote in my journal “I have to love myself” I understood that the “I” and “myself” in that sentence are actually the exact same thing: concepts. 

Who was the I? And which myself was I looking at? Both were static snapshots of my existence. Ultimately, this revealed the game I was playing inside of my head. I created new problems so I could fix them, then fail at fixing them, then keep judging myself for not doing a good enough job. 

And who says you don’t already love yourself? 

Exactly. It’s just a thought. 

Yet, to experience loving ourselves, we need to get our attention out of our heads. 

True Self-Love

Is learning how to leave your mind alone.

You already love yourself, unless you are trying to in your mind. You will likely never catch yourself in the process of loving yourself, just like you can never see your own eyes. As soon as you think about it, you give energy to a game that can only lead to more thoughts.

So we need to learn to get our energy out of our thinking minds.

Now, this can’t be done like in school. Approaching this like an exam is bound to fail. So is trying to get better at it. So is comparing yourself to others. Maybe learning is already the wrong word here. Technically, you already know. You were born loving yourself. 

This is more like quitting an addiction: the addiction to thinking and figuring stuff out. 

And your sober buddy to support you in the process is called noticing. 

Noticing is the effortless act of simply observing what is there, right now. Noticing has no goal, no agenda. Noticing means to apply no doing. Impose no will. As soon as you use noticing to get somewhere, you just think that you are noticing. It’s the easiest, most difficult (no)-thing.

So, your simple note is to simply notice what comes to your awareness.

Your awareness itself is love, not the content of what you are aware of.

You may notice thoughts, or sensations in your body. You might notice sounds. And then some more thoughts. See, without force, if you can’t just notice thinking without arguing, attaching yourself, or trying to change what comes to you. This is practicing self-love. 

If you are like me, you will first get this intellectually.

And then this will be too boring. And you will probably go on with your world travels, or take some psychedelics, or become an Extinction Rebellion Rebel. And what then? Your awareness itself would still be untouched. But you can travel the world and all this reality’s forms with the self-love of awareness.

I guess we can say that your true nature is love, regardless of what you think.

Ways out of your mind

Over the course of my life I had invested a lot of energy into my mind. 

I created a strong fortress of ideas and beliefs, guarded by an army of fearful thoughts. 

The way out for me was–and still is–gradual.

I know that technically I was never trapped inside of my mind. I held the doors closed from the inside. But arriving at this understanding was a path for me, not a magic revelation. 

Your path might look different. What helped me were simple practices like meditation, yoga, silence, nature, fasting, walking, hand-writing. And yes, some amount of traveling and psychedelics too. All practices that forced my attention into the present moment helped. 

Not that I live a purely present life, but I definitely live less for my mind.

What had the biggest impact for me was interpersonal honesty. 

I think that honesty is the quickest pathway out of thinking. It’s a direct route back into the experience of the moment, which, ultimately, is the experience of love. Telling the truth also means confessing lies from the past out-loud, and taking responsibility for your current experience. Sharing opinions is what most people consider honesty. It goes way deeper.

You can learn more about this here and here.

Let’s wrap this up:

I imagine that loving yourself is the state in which you don’t think about it. If our attention is captivated by thinking, you don’t do any good by more thinking. Imagine throwing a stone into a pond and seeing the ripples. How would you calm the pond down?

Let me know if you found this article helpful or join one of my free online sharing circles or Radical Honesty community events. I’m looking forward to seeing you there!

How to start practicing Radical Honesty?

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This week I didn’t know what to write about…

… so I decided to write about something I know a lot about.

Duh! I’m often resistant towards writing what comes easy. And I make my life hard by thinking (!) I need to come up with something utterly mind-blowing and unique every time I type.

So today, I am writing about my work: Radical Honesty.

To be more accurate, I will write about how to start practicing Radical Honesty…

… if you are completely new and never went to a workshop with me. 

The Basics of Radical Honesty

Above all, Radical Honesty is an awareness practice. 

Susan Campbell, my teacher, once said: You can only be as honest as you are aware. 

How true. We can only speak of what we actually notice. 

So first and foremost, Radical Honesty is an awareness practice. 

Second, Radical Honesty is about expressing yourself in a direct way.

Side-Note: Radical Honesty, of course, does not mean to share every single thought that pops into your monkey mind. It’s also not brutal honesty. The opposite is true: we want to drop below “just thoughts” and include more current and bodily aspects into your communication.

But how to kick-start your Radical Honesty practice?

Starting Small

If you have never been to a workshop, I recommend starting small.

It’s like going to the gym: without a personal trainer and plan, you might end up straining your muscles. Likely, you would not start with 250 pound deadlifts. Along the same logic, I don’t recommend starting Radical Honesty with your aggressive alcoholic uncle. You might shock your system into freeze, and then discourage yourself from trying again. 

That would be a pity!

If practiced properly, Radical Honesty can transform your life at the core.

But you might want to start with small stretches, not overstrains.

Namely, I’d say you want to work on the following:

• your tolerance for (unpleasant) physical sensation in your body

• your ability to distinguish between actual reality and your stories

• your noticing skills to include more aspects into your communication

• your willingness to value being real over being right (or winning arguments).

Without these, Radical Honesty will only scratch the surface.

Here are some practices you can dive into without much prep-work.

1. Name your intention

Instead of just small-talking, asking questions or telling stories, how about revealing your intention behind the obvious? Do you want to help someone? Do you want attention? Do you want to be seen in any specific way? Do you want to avoid being seen as incompetent?

Revealing your intention takes away some of the pressure to perform. 

Imagine starting a presentation like this: “I am nervous and I want to do this right!”

Before I keep on preaching, here is my intention for writing this:

1. To increase my SEO-ranking

2. To convince you to come to my Radical Honesty events

3. To keep to my routine of one article per week 

4. So you think I know what I am talking about.
   

2. Reveal some of your pretenses

If you often catch yourself pretending (and want to quit!), try this simple formula:

“Sometimes I pretend to you that I am (happy, listening, interested, etc.) …

… when I am actually (sad, thinking about something else, or annoyed).” 

Then pause and stay in the experience a little. 

After the 100 or so workshops I taught, I am still surprised that we all pretend in exactly the same ways. Sharing what you pretend does not only liberate you. You give others permission to do the same. If you want a more honest world, the best way is to start with yourself. 

It’s also the only way…

3. Ask more directly for what you want.

Kids ask for what they want passionately dispassionate. To them, the process of asking is a reward in itself: an energetic flow in the body. Few adults ask directly for what they want. We go the long, sneaky, indirect way, trying to manipulate our surroundings in our favour.

How about asking directly?

Yes, it’s scary. You might hear a direct “No”. Or sometimes worse, a direct “Yes”. 

Ultimately, it’s all just physical sensations in your body.

Here is a little blueprint for how to ask for what you want:

Step 1: State your desire

“I would like to go to the park” or “I want you to cook me dinner today”

Step 2: Ask

“Will you come with me?” or “Are you willing to do that?”

There is more to say on that, and I recommend you watch this video with me and Wheel of Consent founder Betty Martin for the nitty-gritty details.

Radical Honesty needs Time & Practice 

Don’t get discouraged. I am still learning Radical Honesty despite teaching for 5 years. At first I thought that I am just not made for this. I thought I should get this right away. When I lived with Brad Blanton on his farm, I overheard a radio interview he did. The interviewer asked:

“But isn’t this difficult to apply?”

Brad’s answer helped me relax about it:

“Of course. You need at least 2 years to revise your autopilot and have honesty sink into your bones. The older you are, the more foreign this might seem at first”. 

You worked hard on building that fortress of pretences. It will take some time to deconstruct.

Come join us for a workshop and get the community support and space you need to really learn Radical Honesty and transform your life at the core.

How to be Heard and Seen: The Art of Subtraction!

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Time and again, I felt unheard or unseen. 

Somehow, my message did not land. People did not get me. 

I thought I was very clear, yet people turned away from me, or stepped over my boundaries. 

At first, I blamed the world. Thought I was just too special to be understood. 

Then, I blamed myself: I tried to get louder, more eloquent, present, or aggressive. All to no avail. 

A breakthrough came when I discovered the world’s oldest language seven years ago.

The World’s Oldest Language

Humans across all corners of the earth share a common language. 

This language is older than Latin, more widespread than English. It evokes as many emotions as a Shakespeare play or Rumi poem. Babies intuitively understand it. We are all moved by it. It surrounds us. And most people I know experience joy being talked to via this language. This universal language is music. And today, we consume music mainly as songs. 

A song is communication between producer and listener. 

Each song carries a message, tells a story, expresses the artist’s inner world, and filters through the listener’s inner world.

Making a song involves different stages. 

First, the artist gathers her sonic elements and designs them to taste. Here she discriminates against thousands of options by choosing only a few. Next, the chosen elements are recorded. Then the artist arranges the elements to tell her story. Here she considers factors such as tension, release, and intensity. The listener has to be kept engaged and interested. 

Once the song is arranged, the hardest work begins.

Before mastering, exporting, and releasing a finished song, the music producer spends weeks mixing her work. 

Mixing music is a subtle, nitty-gritty science. A great mix separates a pro from an amateur. 

It can make the final difference between a global chart-topper and a mere top twenty. 

There are different mixing philosophies, but one underlying truth:

Mixing is all about maximising musical impact.

When I dipped my toes into the world of music production seven years ago, I finished my first song after a month. When I got to the mixing stage, I hit a wall. I just couldn’t make my lead sound stand out the way I wanted.

I tried a whole bunch of seemingly logical things:

• I made it louder, but that distorted the whole song. 

• I double-layered it with another instrument, but that redlined the volume 

• I threw more effects on it, but that changed the feel. 

• I made it more complex, but that altered the message. 

After two weeks, I was ready to throw in the towel. Nothing worked. This is insane. 

As a last resort, I consulted my friend Patrick. 

He’s a seasoned music producer with more than twenty years of production experience under his belt.

He listened, laughed, and said: “To make this element stand out, you have to turn down the rest.”

It’s not about adding more, but leaving out. 

The Subtle Art of Subtraction

To my surprise, the difference was staggering and immediately audible. 

The problem was not my lead element. It was the noise and unwanted frequencies from the other elements. 

Patrick said:

“Mixing is always about cutting and subtracting. This is counterintuitive, as we are all used to adding more stuff on top. But that just waters down our message. Cut all that’s not essential to make the essential ring through.”

It is through diligent elimination that the core message comes through and is heard by millions. 

Of course, my first song was heard by not more than a hundred people, but I learned a key lesson.

Leave out all that’s not essential to make space for the essential.

The same principles apply to our daily communication.

How to allow the world to hear you

Rarely, we need to say, elaborate, or explain more. We don’t need new tricks.

The key to being heard is to tune down the noise and cut out the distractions to our core message.

As a rule of thumb, if you force someone to figure you out, they lose interest.

Of course, you have to know what you actually want to say. If you don’t, how about some silence?

If you do know what your message is, eliminate the puffery, vagueness, and mystery. 

Say: “I love you.”

Don’t say: “Whenever I am with you I feel like, you know, just very special and we are just clicking and I have rarely felt this way with someone else and I often think about you for hours after we parted but then I tell myself to relax.”

Say: “I want to go eat ice cream. Are you coming with?” 

Don’t say: “It’s so warm outside today, right? God. Shouldn't we go for a walk? Hey, there’s that new ice cream place!”

Say: “I don’t agree.” 

Don’t say: “I recently read this new article and the writer proposed that we, as humans, should not do such and such. After all, we all should value this much more. I can send you the article, if you want to.”

Say: “I am angry at you, Marvin, for what you suggest here.”

Don’t say: Yeah, but, there is this 18th century philosopher who really thought about this for fifty years and he developed these categories for people and you don’t seem to understand the subtle differences between humans.

In short, cut the noise, say what you mean, pause, and listen for how your sentence lands. 

The mix of your life’s symphony will be clearer, cleaner and better heard. People hear what you have to say and actively listen. You will be more in tune with the world if you get direct.

Warning: This direct way of talking very likely leads to enhanced sensations in your body. 

Be prepared to feel more and have more time and energy for important things in your life. 

Is Finding Your Purpose A Futile Journey?

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The endless task of polishing your illusions

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Regarding purpose, I find myself in tension between two poles. 

My psychology-and-personal-growth-influenced friends love having a life purpose. 

They see it as an indicator for personal transformation. To them, purpose marks a transition point.
We outgrew our past stories, reactivity, and bullshit. Now, we actively create a future by the power of declaration. 

My friend and teacher Dr. Brad Blanton is a big proponent of purpose work.

He told me all the time: 

“Kid, get a new purpose. Your mind will chew on you in the same old ways if you don’t give it some larger context. Realign your energy and the resources you freed up in completion work and put them to some use, ideally benefitting other humans. Therapy ends where activism of some sort begins!”

It does sound good in theory, but there’s a flip side to that.

These days, I study the works of Indian teacher Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj.

In “I am That”, he often makes clear that “living is life’s only purpose.” Maharaj describes mind-made purpose as just more wallpaper for the same old prison of pain and pleasure. To him, all purpose as a separate self is just another illusion that is of limited use for true realisation. 

His concerns are not with the persona, but with spiritual enlightenment. 

“All happens by itself” and “leave your world alone,” he says. 

So is purpose work futile?

Not any more or any less than not doing it.

Jokes aside for now. I guess it depends on who is asking and how you approach it.

From a spiritual standpoint, purpose work does seem kind of unimportant. 

All ideas of purpose as a separate self are like hand puppets. The puppet might be new and flashy. But the show remains the same. If we get too attached to the new puppet, we might forget that we are actually running the entire show.

Who we really are is not affected by declaring a new purpose.

Or to quote my second all-time favourite rapper Jay-Z: 

“You can try to change, but that’s just the top layer. 

Man, you was who you was before you got here.”

In that sense, who we really are underneath is not touched by our doings. 

And no words or purpose can really reach that far inside. 

So is there any use in having a life purpose?

As a game, maybe. 

For most people, a little less surface pain and a little more pleasure seems like a great deal.

So why not play with life whilst giving it different parameters? Use our minds as tools in our service. 

This will not lift us over pains and pleasures. It just rearranges the toys on the playground. That’s like updating your computer to play better games with flashier graphics. It’s still a game, but maybe a better game.

Psychologically speaking, playing life with purpose gives us a sense of power, self-determination and choice. 

Having a few years of purposeful living is a refreshing thing. Especially if, in the past, we kept a damper on our lives and played the victim. At least it can serve as a healthy plateau, an interim level to find peace and make time for deeper introspection.

And maybe, if we persist in our game long enough, maybe we get tired.

Or like Alan Watts said: “A fool who persists in his folly will eventually become wise.”

Purpose Game Ground-rules 

Personally, I like playing with the idea of purpose. 

My mind seems more at ease this way. I see purpose as a life jacket that keeps my character afloat in the sea of life. 

Here are some ideas I find useful to put purpose work into a playful, non-serious perspective. 

1. Purpose does not make or break me. My core as a human being is not affected by my purpose. My “I am” precedes all purpose. Purpose is a practical, surface-level trick that may or may not help me relax. My happiness does not depend on having a written purpose. It does not depend on things. 

2. Purpose is just something to play with. I don’t have to have a purpose. It’s not a very serious thing. I am aware that playing with purpose will not liberate me from the pains and pleasures of being human. It’s a “choose your illusions” kind of thing.

3. Purpose is more inner work, than outer. If I see purpose as having to change the outside world, I run against my own projections. Effective purpose work firstly changes the way I see,and then brings change from the inside out.

4. Purpose frames reality in a different way. Purpose provides a context for my life. It helps me to discriminate and focus my actions. It’s like a coloured pair of glasses I can put on to see things in a certain light. However, life continues if I take off the glasses.

There are more subtleties to explore around this subject, but that’s enough to chew on and digest for now.

Phew, I just got really serious about my purpose of exploring and explaining purpose.

Don’t be gamed by the game 

The overarching context we are in is life or existence itself.

Life is the grand container that holds space for all possible purposes. It’s the mother of purpose. If we decide on a new life purpose, we are crafting a sub-container within this larger container. Picture a glass of sparkling bubbly water. Each little bubble soaring to the surface is contained in the water. But the water would be just fine without the bubble. 

To the bubble, bubbling is very serious. To the water, it might be a tiny tickle at best, that leaves no trace. 

It’s the same with purpose. 

All purposes need life as the vessel, but life does not need mind-made concepts of purpose.

Even simpler: No life, no purpose. No purpose, no problem!

I like reminding myself that I am playing a game, and playing it consciously.

If I forget, I might be gamed by the game. 

I might lure myself in with a shinier illusion, one that’s harder to see through due to its next-level, upgraded, best-ever shininess, one that’s harder to let go of because of its pleasantness, bombasticness, visionariness, or world-savingness. But it’s still just a game. 

So whenever you get serious about building your purpose container, notice the larger container you are already in. Be mindful of the game you are playing. Keep a playful mood going. Living is already a great enough purpose.

P.S.

If you are serious about your purpose, be as serious as possible. Make being serious the purpose. The biggest treat is not in being serious or unserious. It’s inhibiting yourself by thinking you should be any different than you are. Ideally, your purpose just states the obvious and includes characteristics you won’t get rid of anyways. So use them fully and consciously. 

Every now and then I run Life Purpose workshops. We get together, state our purposes to one another, feedback honestly to each other, and coach each other on bringing out our best visions for our lives moving forward. They tend to be deeply, seriously playful, and we all come away with a better game to play based on our own personality and situation. 

Modesty is ego

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This is a true story. I don’t think I’ve ever told this in public. 

When I was thirteen years old, my father scored a few afterparty passes to the Bravo Supershow.

It was the pinnacle event of pop-music during my teenage years. All my idols shared the stage.

I sported my glittering triple-silver Southpole tracksuit, my fake-silver Wu-Tang chain, and my Nick Carteresque Centre-parting. I was on a mission to scavenge autographs from my favourite stars. 

Around 9 PM, a well-dressed guy approached us. 

He identified himself as Thomas Anders’ talent scout. Thomas Anders is the (probably) lesser known half of the German duo Modern Talking, spearheaded by “Pop-Titan" Dieter Bohlen. 

“Do you have any singing experience?” He asked after a while.

I shook my head.

“That’s no big problem. We could teach you and fix the rest in the studio.” 

My dad and I spoke with him for twenty minutes or so.

“I think you have something the industry needs.” He slid us his card.

My dad, of course, immediately vetted his credentials. 

The guy was sincere, well-respected, and was who he said he was. 

At home, I could barely sleep. I was too excited. The next morning, I told my mom.

“Mom, I could be a star. This talent scout person said I could play in Gute Zeiten, Schlechte Zeiten (a former television series) and then maybe have my own pop-duo with another person they will cast. They will teach me how to sing and act.” 

I remember feeling really vibrant in my upper body. 

Her initial response was sobering: “Marvin, this is quite an egotistical thing to want”

Safety on the sidelines

I don’t remember the exact chain of events. We mulled the idea over for two weeks. 

In my memory, my father was more supportive. He talked to the scout a few times.

My mother was more resistant. Many things were said over those weeks.

Finally, the negotiation ended with a phone call:

“Marvin wants to finish school first and go into higher education after.”

We refused the offer. I was sad. I still am sad writing this twenty-one years later.

Not because I wanted to be a singer, I never actually wanted that.

I am sad about these deadening and playfulness-shackling beliefs I created:

• Being in the foreground or on stage is egotistical

• Playing and doing something fun is selfish 

• Being admired is something I should not want

• Keeping on the sidelines is humble and better 

• Being rich and famous means stealing from others

• Wanting to be big in anything is a selfish desire

And so I studied business, collected two degrees, and worked in humble jobs…

… until I burned myself out at 26 by suppressing my true desires, inhibiting excitement & feelings, and pretending to be someone I was not. False modesty and playing small did not get me anywhere.

“That’s the most egotistical thing you’ve said so far!” 

Two years ago, I went to Virginia to visit my old teacher Brad Blanton.

He hosted a Life Purpose workshop on a local organic farm.

In one session, I spoke about the electronic music I was making, and my blockages.

I had forty or so finished tracks. I struggled to pinpoint what I wanted to achieve with it.
I said something like this: 

“You know, I think I should not want to be THAT guy standing there on stage, soaking in attention, and controlling how people dance with buttons I push. I don’t want to be driven by my ego.”
I’ll never forget Brad’s answer to that.

“That’s the most egotistical thing you’ve said so far!” 

He continued.

“Thinking you should not be on stage is ego-driven bullshit. It’s just another side of the same coin. Falsely modest people are often the biggest egomaniacs. They are worse than the ones who go on stage. They are hoarding their unique gifts and talents, are super-righteous, and condemn those things they secretly wish for themselves.”

That landed, and since then I have been exploring this. 

What’s egoistic?

I was quick to write-off certain surface-level actions as egoistic.

But can I really judge an action as egoistic, humble, or selfless without digging deeper?

Can’t a seemingly humble, selfless person, giving their last cent to charity, be a complete ego-maniac?
Can a seemingly egotistical, guitar-smashing rockstar with five wives be humble, selfless, and serve others?

What does make the difference is the underlying orientation.

And I believe that the main distinctive factor is fear. Fear is at the root of ego.

Most of the time I thought I was modest and noble, but I was just shitscared to do what I really wanted.

I used fake humility and modesty as rosy, socially-accepted cover-ups for my fear.

And when my mom said “that is quite an egoistic thing to want” ...

… she was just scared of how I would end up.

Some Final Thoughts

Ultimately, what really matters is this: 

Are you doing what you want, or not?

To those that think doing what you want is selfish, picture this:

Imagine that the young, pre-pop star Madonna decided that being on stage is too selfish. That she should not get the attention. Should not have fun doing what she loves and rather work in a job, to not stand-out. Firstly, she would have likely been very unhappy. Secondly, in the name of selflessness, she would have actually robbed millions of girls around the world from a chance to dance, celebrate, wear nice outfits, and stand up for themselves a little bit more. Madonna being the fullest version of Madonna is helping people all around the world to be a bit bigger themselves. 

So next time you point the ego gun at someone, you know that somewhere in the shadows of you is a desire, a secret dream, a craving for the figurative or literal spotlight.

The Art of Being who You Are

The Art of Being who you are 

When a baby is born, she has no words.

She is born without language-based thoughts. No mine or yours.

Yet, she is a human being. She has a heart. She breathes. She is. Here and now.

She is aware of her surroundings. She interacts. She is conscious. Just like you and me.

Maybe more. 

The baby has no story about herself. Yet, she is! 

All new-born human beings are born without a concept. You were too.

When adults in my workshop say that they want to find themselves, they search in the wrong place.

Most people look for who they are inside their thoughts. We sit and wonder with words about ourselves. Who am I? But really? Hhhm. We create stories about ourselves. What most of us forget is that we already were alive before we could speak. Life precedes language!

Can language ever pinpoint who you are?

Language is a practical tool, no doubt. It serves to limit options. 

Originally, it was created by us humans to make ordinary everyday interactions easier. 

This was very useful when we lived in caves with tigers sleeping outside. To survive, humans learned to express themselves, to warn their tribe about imminent threats to survival. We learned to cooperate. Build tools. And delegate. Learned to prepare for future threats.

Great. That’s the gift of the human mind. But then the curse kicked in. 

The tool of thinking turned around and started using the user.

Obsession with thinking…

Humans are drawn to excesses. Excesses of power. Excesses of consumption. Excesses of ourselves. And also, excesses with thinking and language. We always want more. 

Now, everything must fit into the boxes our language created.

We have to understand. Make meaning out of everything. Categorize the life out of everything. Even ourselves. We try to pinpoint who we are with a 26-letter limiting system.

That’s like sitting in a puddle of rainwater, claiming you are swimming in the Atlantic Ocean. 

It’s not quite the same thing. Like your Tinder profile picture is not the real you.

Anyways.

I don’t want to discredit thinking here. I love logic and writing stuff.

But can language ever describe the real you? Hardly. 

If you look for who you are only inside of thoughts, the best you can come up with is a convenient story – a personal sales pitch to make interactions more hassle-free. 

To summarise:

Language is like a dress. You can wear a fancy one with glitter. A simple one. An offensive one. A long or a short one. Yet, underneath your dress, you still are who you are. 

And who or what is that, you wonder...

Being who we really are

Humans have exactly two existences. 

First, we are a human being in the moment. A bundle of nerves, sensations, and perception. A human being, right here and now. Second, we have the self. The character. That’s the personal story we have carefully computed over the course of our lives, using language. 

 “Hi, my name is… who?” “Pleased to meet you. I work in science. And you?”

If we want to truly be who we really are, we have to connect more with the first.

And that scares the hell out of us!

Because that means we would have to cry when we are sad, stomp when we are angry, and laugh when we are happy. It means we have to give up control. Take our thoughts less seriously. Trust our body more than our mind. Place more importance on noticing than thinking. 

The simplest, most difficult thing in the world!

In order to be who you are, there is nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing. 

Every tiny bit of voluntary effort does not bring you any closer. Who you really are has never changed. Your story might change. You might have made more experiences. You might have developed a more complex language to convince others. But you are still the same.

So what’s that part of you that never changed?

Your awareness. Your ability to just observe and notice. The content of what you notice changes all the time. Today you feel warm, tomorrow you feel cold. The awareness of both is the same.

The problem is that we have invested too much in thinking, it’s hard to let go. Whenever a thought comes into our awareness, we take it very seriously. Every single thought. 

It’s a learned obsession with language. 

Next time you wonder who the real you is, just observe. It’s just a thought. Not more or less serious than thinking about your next dinner. Who said you have to answer? Just observe the hide and seek game you play with yourself and realize it’s all just thoughts.

The question and the answer are not real. They are just thoughts, nothing serious.

You will never find the real you inside the stream of thoughts.

Yes, thoughts are a part of your awareness and can be helpful and good tools, but you are equally your bodily sensations, senses, and your ability to just notice without attachment. The best story you can have about yourself remains but a grain of sand in the ocean.

Unleash your Creative Potential

Unblock your Creative Potential

There are two truths hidden in the headline of this article.
First, you have creative potential. Creativity is nothing you need to gain or learn, but is your very human nature. Second, at least a part of your creative potential is currently bound and not actively available to you. 

This article is dedicated to freeing up space inside of you for creation. 

To begin with, I will share some of my background so you know how my life was before I arrived at the underlying realisation that helped me create 2 books, write 60-70 songs, build nourishing relationships all over the world, create happiness, and design workshops within 7 years. 

I've written this so you can see what is possible for you.

...even if you are stuck neck-deep right now!

Cold and filled with terrors...

I remember a grey and cold winter about a decade ago. I worked for KPMG, the auditing giant. I rented a small studio in Frankfurt, had an assortment of tailored black suits, and a spot in an underground car park for my polished car. I remember barely sleeping, feeling lonely and scared. I had no friends in town. I watched porn a lot. My eyes twitched in the dark. 

I dreaded waking up. I felt lifeless, zombified. Empty.

Driving to work – a depressingly dark building in a suburb – everything was linked to bleak outcomes. My mind was filled with terrors, compulsively obsessing: “next time you drive past this street sign, you will think about your parents dying”. At work, I smiled and then went and hid in the toilet to cry, masturbate, or both. And then continued smiling and following orders. 

To summarise this depressing time of my life, I was quite fu**ed up. 

I dreamt about doing something more creative. Something with people.

But I continued living a shadow-existence for the next 4 years, pretending and lying, not getting any closer to my vague dream of being more creative and with people. One day in yet another corporate job, I doodled logos for my imaginary author alter-ego into my journal. 

Yet I was not creating anything. Or… was I ...?

You. A creative genius?

That question slowly paved the way for a game-changing realisation. 

I would love to tell you my turning point as a dramatic, satori-like twist. Yet, this would not be true here. Arriving at the realisation I am about to share was a slow and steady process, fuelled by meditation, journaling, traveling, workshops, psychedelics, and telling the truth…

...and a whole lot of philosophising about creativity!

Here is what I believe is true about you, right now. 

You are always creating. 

Right now, your life is a genius creative act. At any given second, you are the creative powerhouse of your life. Literally, you can never not create your reality.

You create all your joys. And you create your downs. And your last failed relationship. And your dissatisfaction at work. The truth is that all these situations take effort, energy, and ability to create. And you are the creator behind them, making them real for you.

Even scarcity is a rich creation.

Being dissatisfied for days on end might be a more difficult creation than writing a book.

You might not view any of the above as pleasant creations, yet they are creative acts.

Let’s go a bit more in-depth here.

Reactive vs. Active Creation

What do you reading this article and Michaelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel have in common? You are both human. And as such, you are both creative geniuses in your own regard. Sure, the content of what you create might be different, yet you are both creative masters at the same time, fueled by the same breath and heartbeat, living the same moment. 

There has never been a moment in your life where you were not creative. 

Even if you tell yourself that you are not creative, this is, in fact, quite a creative story to create. And it’s genius to hold this idea in your head for days on end, and make yourself believe it. 

Now I can imagine you might be wondering...

But why would I create all this stuff that I don’t like? Why do I feel so bad?

I get it. This was the same question I had. And even today when I don’t want to take responsibility for my life, I take refuge in the idea of being a passive receiver. 

So let’s look at the Michelangelo example again. 

What’s the difference between you two?

Likely, you are more or less reactively creating your life, driven by the past and other’s expectations. You might not even think that you are creative (which, as we now know, takes creativity to create). He is more in charge of his creative faculties, stirred forward by vision. 

Yet, you are both equal in your ability to create. Only the content varies. 

What sets you and your favorite artist apart is not that they are more creative, as we will see in the next chapter. What sets you apart is reactive versus active creation.

Creativity as your Nature

Let’s play a quick game.

Pick a random object in your proximity and point your finger at it.

Good. That’s where the object is, right now. And now, point to where you create this object. Where is the source of the object being the way it is? Inevitably, your finger has to point at your own head. This is where you create the object now and all your world, always.

At any given moment, you are the creative center of your world. 

You create your whole world inside of your own brain, fuelled by your senses. And you are the only person who sees the world the way you do. On this level, there is not a thing you can do to enhance or diminish your creativity. When you die, your world ends. Before that, you constantly create. You are the playwright, lead character, and spectator of your life, all at once.

And you might write a sad and depressing, or an uplifting story. It does not matter. The mechanics of creation stay the same. The only difference is if you are aware of your creative role, or not. 

Even now your brain creates this article, supported by your eyes and language-skills.

Where is the center of an infinite universe? Answer: In the brain, trying to answer the question. 

Shifting towards conscious creation

Okay, let’s take a breath here. 

Likely, you have not given yourself credit for the creations of your life, have you? If you are like me, your go-to strategy is seeing yourself on the receiving end of life. Life just happens and there is nothing I can do! But where do you create life happening to you?

Looking back at my story, I was unconsciously creating my life.

That means I was driven by my past bullshit and, without questioning, replaying the same loops. I had no perspective on my creative nature, no space between impulse and reaction. My mind was filled with negative self-talk and I made myself believe my self-defeating stories.

And despite this being unpleasant, it’s nevertheless quite creative. Isn’t it? 

My friend Brad Blanton once told me:

“You seem to think of yourself as a shit-sandwich. Yet when I look at you, I see you as a creative genius. So we have a pretty different idea about you. And I recommend you to try out my view for change and see how that feels.”

So what if you would see yourself as the creator of your world?

At this point, we have to quickly talk about control. Of course, being the creator of your world does not mean you are in control. You have no control over the outside world and what people tell you and how you feel and which thoughts come to you. Yet, you are creating your own experience. You are always the source of your experience. 

You are the creator of your world. And you are out of control. 

How does that make you feel?

Sit with that for a while and allow yourself to notice all your feelings and thoughts. 

In Part II, we will look at concrete ways to free-up space inside of you that are currently bound in your unconscious, creating, and re-creating based on your past. We will see how you can reclaim authority over your life and create more actively. And then it does not matter whether you set out to write the next great opera, start a family, or build your entrepreneurial dream business, if you chose to do so.