When you are tired of playing games.

In 2016, I traveled Latin America for around nine month.

My last stop was Costa Rica. 

I was quite broke back then, so I staid in a cheap hostel by some beach. 

One night, me, one American guy, and two women sat in the hostel garden.

We sipped a beer and chit-chatted about all the things we did traveling.

I noticed how I found one of the women attractive. And then I envisioned all the possible sneaky tricks or strategies I could use to isolate her from her friend. I kept a polite facade. I engaged in the conversation. In my mind, I thought about having sex with her. That idea persisted at the forefront of my experience.

I felt increasingly isolated. I did some heavy thinking and planning in my head.

And I withheld what was actually going on inside of me from the group.

I had been in situations like this countless times.

So for the next thirty minutes, I was completely fake. 

My inner experience and my outside sharing where not in alignment at all.

And I felt more and more tired, bored, and wanted to go away. 

And when we got to the end of our beers, I said the exact words:

“Maybe it’s time to call it a night and go up.”

It was as if these words just left my mouth on complete auto-pilot. 

The others agreed and we slowly got ready to stand up.

I was tired of playing games

In that moment, I could not take my own fakeness any more.

My heartbeat ramped up and I could feel it in my throat. Fuck it, I thought. And so I said the following sentences. I did not say them to get anything. All I wanted was peace of mind and not to be split inside and go to bed with a hundred should haves & could haves.

So, I said:

“Okay. I want to admit something here that’s really embarrassing. And I’m scared to say this and I am shaking. This whole time, what I really wanted was to be alone with and probably have sex with you (I looked at the women I was attracted to). And I kept myself busy thinking about some strategies and things I could do to make that happen. I was not following the conversation. And I don’t know what to do.”

The moment I said this, my world came back to unity and I was quite awake!

That was the main energetic reward for me!

Now, what I did not expect was everyone’s reaction:

Her friend was so happy, she almost fell off her chair. She said how she always wished someone would say something like this. She thanked me a few times for my honesty.

The women I wanted to have sex with smiled.

I want to emphasise again that I did not say what I did as a strategy to get what I want.

I just wanted to be honest about my actual experience and put me out in the open. 

But of course, my statement changed the course of our whole interaction.

Her friend was nudging her knee and seemed to be in great support of my idea. 

So I said:

“How about we talk in private to get to know each other more?”

And we did.

Radical Honesty in Dating

A lot of people ask me if Radical Honesty works in dating. 

Well, that entirely depends on how you define “works”.

If you…

• Want to control the outcome of the situation

• Portray a certain image of yourself (eg. “cool” or “successful”) to the other

• Get an advantage through strategic honesty

• Say certain “nice” truths and avoid their opposite

• Want to change the other person 

It does not work. 

If you want to be fully present to whatever arises in the moment, get to know yourself and the other person, and keep your integrity, you might want to give Radical Honesty a try.

Being honest, you may get what you want or you may not.

In the case of my story, I got what I wanted.

Other times I did not. The outcome did not matter to me.

That’s not why I was honest.

I just wanted to be honest for the sake of being honest and not having a mental movie running parallel to reality. Fact is, you will find out quicker what the deal is when you are honest …

… and don’t have to put in so much effort to pretend.

Some people say: “But that level of honesty takes the joy or mystery out of dating.”

Well, it opens the door for a way deeper mystery. The mystery of real intimacy. Of having nourishing conversations that are based on the truth of the moment. There is nothing like really being present to our experience and sharing this with other people. It’s a like a psychedelic trip.

I recommend you read this article for further elaboration on this theme.