10 Insights after 10 Years of Radical Honesty

10 Insights After 10 Years of Radical Honesty

This is my ten year anniversary article.

It’s hard to put ten years into one email, so this one is a little longer.

I went to my first Radical Honesty workshop in August 2013. It was a 7-Day, part-holiday retreat with Dr. Brad Blanton in Pelion, Greece. I can still feel the sunshine, hear the cicadas chirping, and feel the avoidance.

A Radical Honesty workshop sounded like a great way to “develop myself.”

But I did not get it.

I thought I had transcended anger after reading “The Power of Now” and six months of occasional meditation. During the workshop, I asked smart questions about how to use active visualisation. In the breaks, I gossiped with other spiritual people about all those angry people.

That’s me at my first workshop (the most tanned person there)

Somehow, and I don’t remember the details, the pieces fell into place after I got home. I realised how much I was actually withholding and playing a phoney role. I quickly realised how powerful the work can be and began practising deeply.

Over these ten years, my views on and practice of Radical Honesty changed as I grew. At first, I used the work to break free from the weight of my personal melodrama, unfinished emotional business, and internalised societal expectations.

Boy, was I angry, and I did not know it.

For the better part of two years, I dove deeply down the rabbit hole and put being honest above everything. I did not care for the outcome of a conversation, as long as I told my truth.

On reflection, I see this period of my life as sometimes reckless, pretty damn exciting, very alive, and, in the end, profoundly transformational for me. I put myself, my life, and my well-being first. I told people the uncomfortable truth who did not necessarily want to hear it. That was selfish, and then again not: by putting myself first, I increased my capacity to serve and care for others.

Through this period of self-centeredness, I learned a lot about genuine care, especially that I can’t really care for others if I am choking myself internally.

With time, and especially after living with Brad in Virgina for three months, I started seeing the bigger picture of Radical Honesty. I hated him for this at first, but Brad always prompted me to work on my life purpose. He said that to do the work I had to do to finish the unfinished business with my family and past, and then use this fresh energy to recreate my life, ideally one of play and service to others. 

He also told me to mow the lawn and not run over golf balls.

“Give your mind something to chew on that comes from the heart”. 

I love him for this sentence, and feel grateful now.

You can say what you want about him as a character, and he deeply loves human beings and cares so much. And he also does not care. Which might be part of his caring. But who cares?

I have to skip over a lot of my story to still have time for the actual 10 Goddamned Insights, but today my practice of Radical Honesty is more calibrated and integrated. It became somewhat of a second nature and I am more playful and at ease. And I just don’t get so angry any more…maybe only when in my relationship when Pavla is not doing what she should in our fights…

Okay. Enough. Let’s go.

1. Buckle Up!

Radical Honesty is a profound developmental journey, taking you back home to your core. 

You reconnect to the alive, feeling, expressive human being you are, to your heart’s desires, uniqueness, and strengths, to all the good stuff that’s hidden underneath your character. You challenge automated habits, and other protective layers that may have outlasted their benefits. 

It’s a journey towards genuine love and presence. And it will inevitably lead through the stuff that has gotten in the way of that. In other words: it’s not just pleasant, and at times feels like dying.

Yay!

The good news is: you are in charge of how deep you want to go. Radical Honesty has the potential to completely transform your life. The degree of transformation depends on how willing you are to let go of control, have difficult conversations (yes, that one!), and trust in you and life itself. 

Of course, such a journey takes time, comrades, mentors, additional support (like therapy, meditation, yoga, bodywork, etc.) and the audacity to actually be a human being. It’s not a direct flight, but a journey of ups, downs, and then more downs and ups. Any volunteers?

2. Expect a Dip

Things might get worse before they get better.

Looking at my relationship with my father prior to Radical Honesty, it was functional, very orderly, and “harmonious” (at a very high price!). We had some occasional conflict, from both sides. When I started being really honest with him, it was tough. 

Our relationship broke-off for a while. I was okay with that. I did not want to continue the old way. He did not like my new way. But one day, after waves of anger, we both stood in front of each other and cried. That was a turning point in our connection. The old fortress had to burn down. I now have an amazing connection with my father, and since then he has spoken to me in-depth about many of his experiences.

I would have never thought that I could love my father so much and be so honest. 

3. Start Now!

You can only be as honest as you are currently self-aware.

In other words, you can’t tell the truth about things you don’t register. And you will start to register more things as you start telling the truth. So Radical Honesty both requires some awareness to begin with and is a practice that improves your awareness as you do it.

That means two things: one, you always have to start where you are, and two, your perception of truth changes as you practise.

These changes will not happen by thinking about it or trying to be honest in your mind. Honesty with yourself is a great concept to hold onto to bullshit your way into believing you’re honest, but these changes happen by being honest with other people, right now. 

Honesty is interpersonal.

You can’t think yourself out of the problem of overthinking. 

4. Rules of thumb

You can do very correct, very by-the-book Radical Honesty and still not say what’s actually alive in you and important for you to say. The sweet spot is somewhere between being attached to a specific language-style and custom of honesty, versus being too loose.

Radical Honesty is a living, breathing expression of self that does work best in some framework. Maybe we can call that freedom within some boundaries? We don’t want to get stuck in the method and there is something to gain in sticking to it, at least for a while. 

5. Go deeper

You can use Radical Honesty, a tool designed to let go of control, to become even more controlling.

Not that I ever personally did that, not once. But one of you sneaky people probably did.

Well-cooked Radical Honesty really starts with your intention, and your honesty about that. Of course, you don’t have to start every interaction with an intention. It’s just that whenever there is an unspoken secret agenda to one-up or blame someone, seduce, get a certain outcome, or control the situation, it’s not Radical Honesty if you don’t admit this.

Sometimes we really don’t know what agenda is actually running us. Practising will likely reveal your intentions eventually. It takes time and good noticing skills.

And it takes a willingness to keep cleaning up your mess without obsessing about your messiness. 

6. No moralism

Radical Honesty is not a new dogma or moral standard.

This was hard for me to accept. I really liked my rules (and still do!) and would love to finally have that one thing to be righteously righteous about. The real hard work is to give up righteousness and moralism, which happens moment to moment. 

The truth is, you don’t have to be honest, nor should you. People make it to 85 years old without ever being honest. So why are we honest? Because knowing that we could get away with pretending and withholding, but choosing to tell the truth anyways, is quite empowering.

Your life won’t necessarily get easier with Radical Honesty, but it gets more real. 

7. Radical Honesty without compassion sucks

Unfortunately, if we do not experience compassion, we might have to tell the truth in order to get to a more compassionate place. This is tricky, very tricky. In the beginning, especially with people who sit on a lot of hurt, like I did, there is a hardness covering the shame and the sadness and anger, and ultimately love.

There is a loving and compassionate part of you. It’s in all of us, at our very core. And at times we need to work through the layers that keep us from that place. That’s the work of Radical Honesty. 

8. Get a Life!

Do something else as well as Radical Honesty. Work on your life purpose. Or lie for a change. 

People sometimes ask me if I would want to live in a Radical Honesty community. I don’t think I would. Well, if that means people who are honest and fun and playful and light, then yes. But if that means people who are trying to live Radical Honesty in a very serious manner, I’m out. 

Very quickly, a great liberating practice can become a new jail. 

Too much of anything will make you an addict. Including processing resentments.

9. Change your mind

You can change your mind as you move along. And go from 10 to just 8 insights.

10. On a serious note

Seriously, it’s not that serious.

That’s Brad’s message about Radical Honesty 😊

Join my anniversary in greece this summer

If you want to celebrate my 10 year anniversary at the place where I went to my first workshop, come join me and a bunch of other people in Greece this August! 

If you already have experienced Radical Honesty, you can join the 7-Day Advanced Retreat from August 5th to 12th. Yes, we will work there, but above all it’s a hell of a good time with a great community of people in one of the most gorgeous locations in the world.

And if you want to really dive in, join the 8-Day Intensive from August 19th to 27th. There will be a separate story shared about that, but my co-trainer John Rosania and I actually both met for our first workshop there with Brad in 2013. So it’s a double-anniversary-celebration! And looking at how we looked back then, our lives did definitely get better over the past decade 😃

Gudrun Graichen will be there as a third trainer. That means you get almost 3 decades of combined Radical Honesty experience. If that won’t change your life, then you probably don’t really want to change. But you can still join, give us a hard time, and enjoy the sunshine.

Marvin

The Work of Coming Home to Yourself

OUR BASIC NATURE IS GOODNESS

Here’s what I believe to be true:

I like to think that every human being is good at the core, and wants to do good. 

That’s the real deep-down bottom line. That’s home. And I do believe this is originally true for every single human being. Yes, some make it quite difficult to see through their acts.

And some humans do seem to be far-removed from their loving core.

How come?

When growing up, we are all destined to experience some hurt, shame, or other painful events.

They are an unavoidable part of life. 

And they are not inherently the problem.

We have the power to recover from painful experiences and to stay open to life.

Our in-born human emotions and nervous systems are designed to support us in that.

Emotions help us digest and recover from painful experiences. 

In a sense, they are natural waves of energy to restore us to equilibrium and goodness.

If during or after a painful event we are safe and supported to fully-experience adequate emotional reaction(s), we will likely recover better, and the scarring will likely be less drastic.

But that is very often not the case.

Many caretakers, out of ignorance, don’t support healthy emotional self-regulation.

Showing anger, fear, sadness or just shaking uncontrollably is often discouraged.

Or worse, these natural and healing bodily reactions were actively inhibited, shamed, or punished.

In that case, we will develop a stronger need for protection from future events.

Here is a simple example:

If you are little and your beloved pet dies, this is a painful experience. Sadness is the built-in reaction and remedy for us to deal with loss. If you are supported to be sad, and to grieve, and perhaps be angry that animals die, you will eventually get over the loss. You will likely be open for a new loving connection to arise again one day, with another animal.

But if your parents told you that “it’s not that bad”, or “boys don’t cry”, or gave you other messages that didn’t support the wave of sadness, the painful experience will not be digested too well. And you will likely begin to protect yourself from having similar painful experiences.

Maybe you will not allow yourself to love another pet again like this one.

BUILDING A DEFENCE

So it’s not just hurtful experiences that we want to protect ourselves from.

We also want to protect ourselves from our inability to cope emotionally. 

If we are unable to cope with a painful experience, naturally, we want to avoid having similar experiences in the future. And that’s when we build barriers and stray from our core.

Let’s say we build protective layers.

These layers are a combination of (mostly unconscious) physical holding patterns or tensions in the body and accompanying thoughts (or beliefs) that shape our mindset and ego identity.

Let’s get back to our example from earlier:

To avoid feeling sad, we needed to contract our body and close-down the channels to our emotional core. This will come with accompanying, protective thoughts like “I am just not an emotional person” or “I am tough, and love is for suckers”.

This helps to prevent us from being hurt in similar ways in the future.

But we also disconnect ourselves from our loving core. And we invest a lot of energy into keeping-up and fortifying our defences.

We often create very static characters for our definitions of ourselves, and carry a lot of armour in the forms of attitudes, beliefs and tension.

That is when life begins to seem like a drag, that we somehow just have to survive our life. 

WAKING-UP FROZEN EMOTIONS

Whenever a human being experiences contraction, I think there have to be at least two emotions present: fear and anger. Fear because you would not contract if you were not scared. And anger because you probably don’t like that you had to contract to begin with.

And there is also likely sadness for having lost contact with your core.

Of course, in reality this is complex, highly personal and idiosyncratic to every being. 

What I want to underline, though, is this:

The natural human state is one of goodness and kindness and relaxed presence. If we experience life in a very different way to this over a long period of time, we lost contact with our core. This is likely due to painful yet unresolved  imprints of events, leaving us with frozen emotions that simmer underneath our masks. 

TRANSFORMATION WILL TOUCH SOME PAIN

To me, Radical Honesty is a journey back home to a state of greater presence, love, and awareness.

Now, if we want to come home to our natural state, we will have to pass through ourselves. It can’t be positive vibes only. Along the road, you will have to intentionally experience the limitations of your current character.

This means going inwards and back through your own defences, blocked emotions and the impulses behind your image. Here you inevitably encounter that which wasn’t complete on an emotional level. 

I’ll even go as far as to say:

If you don’t contact any fear or anger or grief, you are digging in the wrong places.

Loving awareness, presence, and real kindness are not new things to learn. You already have the resources. How can you learn what you already are at the core?

Radical Honesty is the work of undoing the protective layers you have build around that core. It involves staying in contact with how you contract, and, literally, re-sourcing yourself.

Moment-by-moment, you communicate from the closest place you know to your core. And with practice, you come to speak directly from it, your true home.

The Dilemma of Trusting Yourself

The Dilemma of Trusting Yourself

I grew up in industrial Germany as a shy, well-educated, nice boy. 

My dad was poor throughout the first three decades of his life, and stole in shops to get by. His father was an alcoholic, broken by the war. In my family, having a good job was the Holy Grail. To be employed and impress other people, micro-manage the image they have about you, is the highest goal.

So I spent the first quarter of my life designing my character as a good worker.

I lied to be liked by people I did not like. Ouch. This hurts to write. 

At 26, I was tired of working for corporations and spinning the greed-wheel. From studying abroad in Mexico and China and experimenting with minor psychedelic drugs I had a glimpse at what kind of life could be possible for me.

I wanted to start my own business. Yet I had no reference experience in doing so.

At that time I worked in my American Dream Job as the Executive Assistant to Bertelsmann in New York City. This was a big achievement. Everyone I knew was proud. Yet on the inside I felt lonely and isolated, knowing I was suppressing my true desires and inner voice somehow. 

I was stuck in the present, held back by the past, unable to move towards my future. 

Whenever I thought about quitting my work and starting my own business, my rational mind jumped in terror and rang the alarm bells in defense of my status quo. 26 long years of diligent conditioning stood against a seemingly foolish desire for a more free, independent life. 

“What do you think you are doing? You worked so hard for this. You are a manager now. You wanted this. You will be rich. You can get all the women. You reached your dreams. Stay.”

My dad was very supportive and told me he would love me either way.

He told me to just trust in myself.

Unfortunately, in my situation this good piece of advice did the opposite. 

Until I understood what it actually means to trust myself. 

A limiting view of the Self 

To place trust in yourself, you have to know who you really are…

...and you have to be able to trust. 

At the time of my dilemma, I was entirely identified with the story I told about myself. 

That meant that I lived purely for my image. I thought that who I was as a human being was all the thoughts I produced. By default, all my attention went straight to my head. I tried to reason, figure out, and make meaning out of everything. At times, I even forgot that I was a body. 

I had no space between me and my thoughts. 

This burned me out, led me to the brink of collapse a few times. 

When I thought about trusting myself, I only reinforced all the limiting beliefs I had. 

If you would have asked me who I am, I would have handed you my German ID and told you about my grades from business school and the car I drove. I tried to compensate for my lack of faith by finding strong concepts in the outside world to cling to: Germany, Jesus, Eminem.

I cried when the German soccer team lost. I did not cry when my grandfather died. 

And of course, if your story about yourself is that limited, how can you trust yourself?

And even if you believe grandiose stories about yourself, they are equally limiting. They might enable you to act more than stories of defeat, yet believing them reinforces an illusion.

Thinking you are the greatest or thinking you are a loser are two sides of the same coin: thinking. And the goal is not to move from one side to the other, but to gain distance from this false self-inflating game and live in the space of experience that surrounds this. 

Growing out of your self-made boxes

Luckily, I had practiced some yoga and meditation at that time.

Still, I needed 4 weeks to scramble together my bits of courage and ask for a conversation with my boss. When the day of the meeting came, I felt paralyzed with fear. I leaned against one of the skyscrapers on Broadway for about 30 minutes. My legs felt frozen and shaky. 

I finally pep-talked myself into movement with some quotes I remembered. 

I felt sick and nauseous on my way to the meeting.

I stopped the elevator half-way to the 36th floor to go to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Images of David versus Goliath came to mind. And through all the noise cut a voice that said: 

“Just trust in yourself.”

This time, I smiled. I intuitively knew what it meant.

And so I had the first honest conversation with a perceived authority figure. Despite my worst nightmares of being escorted out of the building by the police for being a traitor, my former boss congratulated me on my decision and walked with me through New York City. 

I noticed the birds and the smells, and saw people's faces. 

I outgrew my box, came a bit closer to myself.

The greater Self as the Here & Now 

Ultimately, trusting yourself means to have faith in life itself.

This means to trust that there are forces outside of your control that keep you alive.

Millions of processes happen each second inside of your body, outside of your control. Trust that the way of life can be free and joyous. I called this faith. Faith is not a religious term. It means trusting nature and your body. Who you really are is not the story you tell yourself.

Of course, this character-layer helps in some social contracts. And there is a place for stories. I love stories. This whole article is a story. Yet, who you are as a human being is always bigger than your self-talk. If this were wrong, how would change be possible?

How could you have made it from child to adult?

Regaining basic trust in yourself 

You have demonstrated a lot of trust already, or you would not be in this world. Trust is nothing you have to learn from scratch. It’s not a concept or fancy new idea. 

I think that basic trust has to lead back into your body.

Trusting that your involuntary nervous system is keeping you alive and that your body can get over anger, hurt, shame, guilt, and fear if you allow it. Trust that you are part of this big thing called life and that you have a place in it and can ask for what you want. 

This comes down to one basic realization: 

No matter what happens, it’s just physical sensations in your body, mixed with some thoughts. Most of us scare ourselves in advance to not feel discomfort. But to develop faith in life, just remember that everything you can experience are simply thoughts and physical sensations.

As an experiment in experiencing basic trust, I recommend taking one small verbal risk today. Maybe tell someone that you love them. Or tell someone that you did not like something they did. Or talk to a stranger.

Or call your mom if that’s hard for you. 

In the process, notice all the bodily sensations.

Notice the thoughts coming up. And don’t argue or fight them. Just notice. 

See if you can stay in the space of noticing for a little bit.

If you accumulate enough small experiences of surviving discomfort, you will gradually develop greater faith in your body. You will be able to deal with whatever life brings your way. Let me know how your experiment is going.

You can get good at this, and it is never ending.

What if we all told the truth?

What if we all told the truth?

Let’s embark on a little thought experiment.

What if we all told the truth? Radical Honesty for everyone…

Imagine a world of full-on honesty

Feelings would get hurt. People would be sad. And angry. Relationships would end. People would be fired from work. Or quit. Marriages would be divorced. Friendships would split. There would be conflicts left and right. There would be jealousy and existential fear. Some people might think we are crazy. Some might not like us. Some might call us names. Our parents might disown us. Family gatherings would blow up. The chips would fall where they may…

… and we would not be in control.

Let’s look at the current world.

The status quo, today

People are hurt. And sad. And angry. Relationships do end. People are fired from work. Some quit. More than half of all marriages are divorced. Friends stop talking to each other. There are wars and conflicts left and right. There are jealousy and existential fear. People think we are crazy. Some people really can’t stand us. Some call us names. Children are disowned by their parents. Family gatherings blow up and people leave without talking to each other…

… and we are not in control.

What’s the difference?

Three things…

1. Less time is wasted

Honesty is a magnifying glass. We bring out what’s already there. This has one advantage in my opinion: we waste less time avoiding the obvious. Telling the truth about anger does not make you angrier, it simply states the facts. Lying about anger does not make you less angry, it simply keeps it under the surface. And there, it festers, grows. Like cancer.

Better get it out sooner than later. Life is short and time is valuable.

2. Real contact is made

Telling the truth means showing up how you actually are. You connect based on truth. The True Self is not a concept. It’s sharing what is actually true for you, right now. And that may lead you to just where you need to be, with just the right people who have a chance of loving the real you.

3. aliveness comes back

Honesty, which means saying what is true for you, tickles feelings awake. Verbalising your truth activates a range of physical sensations. Some are more pleasant than others. Some are short and sweet. Others last a bit longer. At the end of the day, they are all just physical sensations.

In Radical Honesty, we sometimes say:

Life is just sensational when life is just sensational.

Final Thoughts

Life is bigger than all of us. We are never as much in control as we think. Sh*t happens, whether we tell the truth or not. The sh*t that happens from telling the truth is, on average, juicier and can be gotten over. There will be hurt, and pain. And there will be joy and pleasure.

Honesty is gaining faith in something larger than yourself. Can you meet us there?

Unmute Yourself!

Unmute yourself

For a long period of my life I felt muted. 

I seemed unable to reach-out and say what I really wanted, or what was really true for me. 

My actual experience was entirely different from what I communicated.

The second time I lived in New York City, I worked for a large media company on Broadway, again. What seemed golden on the outside was a prison on the inside. I dreaded my life, felt out of place and without meaningful connections or purpose. To myself, I was a robot: my voice lacked depth. I smiled perpetually. My communication was automated:

“Hey Donnie. Almost Friday. Will you go watch The Game?”

My inner voice seemed muted – my actual self buried.

Somehow, I could not bring my truth to the surface and kept hiding in roleplay.

The times I lost my voice

But why was I muted? And how come I hid my inner voice?

For me, this was largely connected to a bunch of unresolved stuff from the past.

One evening I came home to my shared apartment in Harlem.

I took a nap and fell into a half-dream. In that dream, I was held by some dark human-like shadow. My chest and mouth covered by its hands. I was unable to break-free and scream. 

When I woke up, I felt strange.

In the dream, I seemed to be both: the one holding and the one held back. 

I took my journal and scribbled “where did I lose my voice?”

I had written down the same question a year ago in South Africa, but at that time it was too depressing to go through with it. That evening in New York, I had enough leverage: I knew I would lose my intuition and integrity if I wouldn't face myself honestly. I would slowly lose my soul, I thought. Plus, life did not seem to get any better despite winning in the status game. 

And so I opened the floodgates of my mind...

I remembered:

How I cheated on my partners and lied about it
How angry I was at my parents
How I stole a few things at work… and from my parents 
How I suppressed my actual feelings towards one friend for years
How I lied to former bosses about why I quit my work
How badly I treated one friend 
How I disciplined my ex girlfriends dog when I was actually angry at her
How I was hurt and punched in school

And a lot more.

These were some of the times I fell mute and lost parts of my power and integrity. Or at least the big things I really avoided looking at. And, of course, there were many more situations from my past that I did not have conscious access to as I wrote my list. 

And even more that pre-dated my memory and language. 

But these were some of the big things I left incomplete in my life, and remembered in that moment. And with every moment that I hid, where I showed-up incomplete, I muted myself further and gave more power to pretending and roleplay. 

Let’s take a moment to reflect.

What are your incompletions? Where did you lose your voice? 

Or where did you express a phony voice?

If you can, allow yourself to have a deep and honest look at your past.

This does not always have to be big stuff. Oftentimes, a combination of small pretenses over time, or habitual role-playing, can have a lasting effect on our self expression. Developing awareness of the times we have lost our voice is the first step towards reclaiming it.

Okay, so what can we do from here?

Reclaiming what has been lost along the way

Let’s look at what that means. 

To me, all the above memories seemed incomplete. That means that the memory was not accompanied by the actual, true feeling. A sense of dread and powerlessness accompanied them, mixed with negative self-talk and judgments. There was a lot of shame behind each of them, and with that shame, I kept myself muted. I thought I didn't deserve a good life. 

Now, this was a vicious circle: it led me to more of the same behaviour. 

I knew I had to resolve those situations at the source and free myself from the weight of my emotions around those memories.

I am aware that we are only communicating one-way via this article. That’s why I will just briefly share what I did to get complete on those incomplete moments without too many details for now. Then I will show you three low-risk starting points you can act on right now towards reclaiming parts of your voice. 

I decided to have face-2-face conversations with the actual people involved. 

In those conversations I told the truth about the past situation and revealed what I actually did or how I actually felt. I brought the situation back by honestly speaking about it. 

This way, I integrated the memories and reclaimed parts of my voice and power to act. After each conversation, my emotional charge/shame/anger lowered. I felt clearer after every one. Those memories were now complete. 

I would not recommend doing this without some preparational work and ongoing support (mainly in getting access to your bodily sensations and developing skills in noticing).

I prepared myself by participating in a 7-Day Radical Honesty workshop. 

However, there are three things you can do, right now, without a workshop: 

1. Sit with memories and feelings

2. Share with trusted friends 

3. Cultivate the pause 

Sit with memories and feelings

A big part of unmuting myself was to simply allow the repressed memories and feelings to come to the surface. In the past, I would have distracted myself by drinking, partying, or gaming. In the process of getting complete, I sat on my sofa and brought the memories back to my mind.

You can try this out for yourself: schedule some time for yourself and block all communication. Then close your eyes and go into the memory. Really welcome it. Allow more details to come back. Feel the feelings in your body. Invite even more details in, and feel the feelings. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. Really go with what comes up. Don’t try to figure anything out or fix it. Just be there.

Staying with the unlocked bodily sensations here is key. It is normal that strong sensations will sometimes come up. They will pass again. Try to stay with whatever comes up, if you can. They are just sensations.

Share with trusted friends 

If you are lucky enough to have trusted friends, ask them to sit with you and support you by listening to you for a while. To the degree that you can, share with them how you lost your voice. Reveal some of the details you would keep hidden. 

This is similar to what you did above, but this time, you share with others. 

Shame can only survive in secrecy. 

This sharing will likely increase your physical sensations in your body. Again, just let them be there and allow yourself to sit with the discomfort as much as you can. 

Cultivate the Pause

To interrupt my auto-pilot communication, I learned to cultivate a pause. This means I practiced letting things land before I responded. Now, this does not mean an uncomfortably long break and a stare, but just enough time to collect my resources and “feel into it”.

Taking a short pause before talking helps me become aware of more things. This way, my communication includes more aspects than just the obvious surface level thoughts.

Transmuting your communication 

Transmuting your communication is a process, not a magic trick.

For me, this process consists of two continuous practices:

One is completing unfinished business in my life to free-up space. The other is to tell my truth on a moment-to-moment basis to get grounded and worry less. Both are vital.

If you want to learn how to tell your truth in a direct, vulnerable way and experience yourself in an exciting way, I recommend coming to one of my workshops in Radical Honesty. These are dedicated spaces where you can just be yourself and say whatever comes up for you whilst being guided to be direct. 

We will work on developing awareness on how you are keeping yourself muted. And we will develop stretches for you to try out and regain access to your lost potentials. 

For now, I will leave you with this:

Try to be a little bit more honest in the next few days. Watch some of my videos for more support. Even saying “no” where you would usually say “maybe” is a good first stretch. Let me know how you are getting on with this practice in the comments below or by emailing me at...

Real intimacy through Radical Honesty

How to Create Real Intimacy using Radical Honesty

When John Rosania, founder of Honesty-Lab, asked me to share a personal story, I thought I would definitely not share the one I am about to tell you right now.

I feel heat in my face. I notice my breath and belly. I’m scaring myself about being misunderstood.

This story is about sex… with a woman almost twice my weight!

After my first Radical Honesty Workshop back in 2013, I moved from the United States back to Germany.

I lived in a city called Münster. I was in the process of cleaning up my past by having honest conversations with important people in my life. One day, a friend set me up on a blind date. He only knew her from pictures.

I judged her to be pretty on her pictures. And slim.

I don‘t really care much for skinny women, but my personal preference can be described as „not too fat“.

We agreed to meet at a cafe around 8pm.

I stood on the street, waiting. I felt my heart and my breath. A car pulled up. A blond girl sat behind the wheel. It was her – and let‘s call her Sarah from now on.

Sarah fixed her hair in the mirror, opened the door, and walked around the car.

A wave of heat rose to my face and my stomach felt tight.

Sarah was really big – and by that I mean that I could not hug her and touch my hands behind her back (and I‘m not a T-Rex with short arms). She walked towards me. I faked a quick smile. She looked nervous. I WAS nervous. My first impulse was to pretend that I am not really me and just walk away. My body was tense. Although I can‘t recall my exact thinking at the moment, it went something like this:

„Shit. Oh no. What am I going to do? Fuck. I don‘t want to be seen with her in public. What if my friends see me? Damn. How does she look so slim in her pictures? I don‘t know, but take that as a lesson to never go on a blind date again…“

You get the idea. So what did I do?

I decided to stay… and practice Radical Honesty.

Real Intimacy through practicing Radical Honesty

After one hour of idle, chit-chat I tired myself with being polite and pretending.

I decided to get real and address the elephant in the room: my thoughts and judgments!

Really, I forgot how I started the conversation, but I think I started by saying that I am really nervous to say what I am about to say. And that I have been obsessively thinking about it for quite a while.

And that I want to get over myself to be present.

Now, here is the kicker, folks: I did not have the following talk to justify that I am right. Also, I did not have it just to say what I think. I had the conversation simply because it was true and pressing for me and I wanted to get real and maybe get over my thoughts.

And so I said: „I feel tight in my belly and heat in my face. I imagine you are fat. And I thought about turning around the second I saw you.“ I felt my breath and the heat in my face. I looked at her.

The heat got even hotter.

She looked down at first. Then she looked back at me. We both sat there. The heat decreased. My heartbeat went back to normal. And then I suddenly felt a strange sense I would call “connection“ and “appreciation“.

For the first time, I saw that her face was attractive for me.

Then I shared a resentment, saying: „I resent you for the picture you have on WhatsApp.“

After a few moments of discomfort, she thanked me for telling her and being honest.

And my whole world relaxed.

I imagine you should want to kiss me more than I want to kiss you

Now, of course I could have not told her…

I could have made up excuses for having to leave early – fake a phone call or something – and block her number (I used to do those things in the past). I bet she was used to this happening, too.

But by actually speaking about my own bullshit thinking, I got over the need to run!
The conversation took a whole new path.

I actually felt attracted to her. We laughed. It was now a fun time. After another hour, we went back to my place. We sat on my sofa and I wanted to kiss Sarah. She turned away.

Like a punch to the gut, I sank forward.

Immediately, my mind came in: “kick her out. Fake an appointment”.

But instead of retreating to my thoughts, I kept the honesty up and said: „I resent you for turning away now. And I imagine you should want to kiss me more than I want to kiss you.“

I felt my body shaking and then she giggled. I laughed too. I relaxed again. My thoughts faded into the background. Heightened awareness of the moment took over. Eventually, we kissed.

And talked more honestly about our feelings, thoughts, and judgments. I was amazed to see how I can actually get over shit by speaking about it. And how I became attracted to her. And how she was not very hurt of offended. Even she was relieved. Hell, she knew she was big, so why pretend otherwise?

Now, this is already quite a long story, so let me summarise the rest.

She went home that night. We met again a few days later.

Then we went to her place. We got naked. I shared my judgments about her body. She shared hers.

We had sex.

During sex, I thought „she is really fat… like a pig.“ I wanted to repress that thought at all costs. But by resisting it, it actually stayed with me for some time. After sex, I told her about the thought, feeling ashamed.

She laughed. And said: „But you liked it, right?“

I did like it. And I liked her.

We stayed in contact and met a few times. I learned about her life. She learned about mine. She told me about developing an eating disorder after her last relationship. She said she was really happy I told her what I told her and that she needed to hear this.

We only went out of contact after I left the country to go on a long trip that eventually lasted 18 months.

She was a warm, courageous, and kind woman – something I would have never learned if I would have lied about my judgments and taken my thoughts too serious. For me, this is a prime example of how Radical Honesty created real intimacy and how I can get over judgments by expressing them and feeling my way through my body.

Do you judge me for saying what I have said? What would you have done?

Let me know!

Radical Honesty at work

It was a Saturday; a cold Saturday in January. 

My friends from Munich took me for a day-hike up the snow-covered mountains of Bavaria. We had a good time, talked and joked. I took out my phone. A message from my boss at the time.

I stripped off my gloves, unlocked the screen…

Marvin, I need you to check your emails now. You have to do this urgent thing for me.

I tensed up. My breathing was shallow. My legs stiffened. 

My thought-computer began to work: “I will quit first thing on Monday!”

A Brief History of my Work

Back in the days before Radical Honesty, I worked for different companies. Always in offices. I drank coffee, sat on my arse, and smiled. I did little work. I surfed the internet. I knew how to manipulate my surroundings. They thought I was great, an adult version of being a “good boy” – pretty much one of the worst things you can be. 

I said “Yes” when I meant “No”. 

I said “How are you doing?” when I meant “I feel terrible”. 

I said “Thank you in advance” when I meant “fuck you a thousand times.”

I never lasted too long in any job. I always quit. And lied about my reasons.

When I had built up too much resentment, inhibited my expression for too long, I searched for the next best thing. Maybe a different country? Yes. I went to New York. South Africa. Back to New York. More lying. Withholding. Pretending. Maybe marketing instead of sales?

So I slimed around the world, dragging a stack of unfinished business behind me.

But this was different. The above happened after I learned about Radical Honesty.

An example of Radical Honesty at Work

And so I went to work on Monday. Of course, I knew that quitting would be avoiding. There was a growth opportunity there. Every time you are frustrated, hit an impasse, there is a potential for real growth if you are willing to go into the discomfort of the unknown.

I pussyfooted around my boss. Then, after two hours of build-up, I asked him for a talk.

We kicked it off with some casual banter.

I felt my heart rate increase. My hands tingled. My legs felt tensed up. I avoided direct eye contact. My heart hammered even faster. Knowing I am about to rock the boat never fails to give me some cheap thrills.

Finally, I took a deep breath:

Me: “I have one more thing I want to tell you, and I’m scared to do so.”

Him: “What’s that?”

Me: “I am angry at you for writing to me on Saturday about that work. I don’t want to work on Saturdays.”

He smiled, nodded his head and his eyes lit up

Him: “Yeah, I am really sorry about that. I never wanted to be that guy asking people to do any work on the weekend. I hate it myself. And you were the only one speaking German.”

Me: “I appreciate you for saying that you are sorry and that you never wanted to be that guy”.

I don’t remember what happened after… But we ended like this:

Him: “Thank you for telling me this! That’s why I never want you to stop working with me. You are one of the few people I can trust to tell me their truth.”

Before the talk, I thought I would quit or be fired. After the talk, we became better friends. He even offered me to stay at his holiday home sometimes, helped me find freelance work. 

You can be Honest at Work

In fact, I think you owe it to yourself.

Usually, fear is the gatekeeper to the unknown. 

And bosses represent fathers, grandfathers, teachers… it’s sort of an extension of your family dynamics. Especially large corporations are gigantic patriarchal dysfunctional families, characterized by people’s avoidance to really grow up in their power.

Radical Honesty is possible at work.

Likely, you will be better off than before.

“if you are fired for showing your real self, congratulations! What the hell are you doing there in the first place? If you break through an impasse and grow in your expression while staying there, also great. You might get a raise soon.”

Either way, lying and playing fake roles never served anybody in the long-run. You waste your own inner resources and genius and also waste the companies.

If you are scared, start small. That’s okay. But start somewhere. Start with friends.
Come to a Radical Honesty meetup. or come to a workshop.

You don’t serve yourself – or anyone, really – by playing small.

Four Subtle Pitfalls of Radical Honesty

Me and my fellow Radical Honesty trainers write newsletters to the international Radical Honesty community. Recently my friend Tuulia shared some strategies for getting over everyday bullshit. It’s a great, peer-sourced collection of tricks, suitable even for beginners.

Reading it, I inspired myself to write about four subtle pitfalls of Radical Honesty.

These are four patterns I observed in myself and others over the years.

Maybe you can relate, or maybe this will help you with your personal honesty practice.

The common theme here is this: turning one great experience into a new rule…

… and then ruling out new experiences.

1. Trying hard to get over stuff

In our Radical Honesty universe, we are biased towards getting over stuff.

We know that it’s a more invigorating, healthier way than holding grudges and old romances.

However, getting over stuff is more a nice byproduct of honesty than a goal in itself.

From experience, I can say that trying to get over “this or that” can be a trap. The effort and focus on the result might block the release I crave. Time and again, I overlooked small shifts and changes that already took place. I was too hooked on the idea of some grand release.

Instead of trying too hard to get over stuff, try this:

Are you stuck or hung-up on some situation? Then see what you held back in your communication. Likely, there was some expression you did not give, something you lied about or did not ask for. Can you go back to the people and say what now needs to be said?

By saying what’s true, you increase the chances of really getting over stuff.

2. Thinking you should like everyone

This was big for me.

More often than not, Radical Honesty leads to liking the very people we loathed. The best example is with my fellow Radical Honesty trainer Jura. In our first talk, years ago, I called her a “dirty hippie bi**h”. Then I relaxed and realised some of my wounds and pains.

After plenty of such cases, I created a few great beliefs:

“If I tell the truth enough, I will like everyone. In fact, I should like everyone and must try to.”

Today, I have healthy preferences for who I want to spend time with.

I am not saying to avoid certain people, or writing them off as too difficult.

Especially with people close to you, I recommend getting in contact and telling your truth.

But don’t hypnotise yourself into having to like everyone.

I doubt Brad Blanton would fall in love with Trump, even after ten completion talks.

But maybe he would tolerate him more, have some more peace in his mind.

3. Using quick resentments as a cover-up

Learning to express and work with anger directly was life-changing for me.

I finally had a tool (and proper justification!) for being angry out loud.

But expressing quick resentment often was a control pattern ...

… to not be with uncomfortable physical sensations. Or get some quick release.

Don’t get me wrong, if anger is in the foreground, by all means say it. But don’t stop there.

I often used anger as a sure-fire way to get the upper hand when I really felt helpless. I got loud to feel some movement in stuck situations. I blew up and resented someone when I felt intimidated, insecure, or afraid. Or to protect some old wounds and guard my softness.

With powerful practices like Radical Honesty we need to be our own whistleblowers.

Is anger really the only reaction here? Or am I also covering something?

The key is to notice more, moment-to-moment. And check and re-check your intention.

4. Becoming stifled by “the method”

Brad always said: “Today’s liberating insight becomes tomorrow’s jail.”

Well, that can include Radical Honesty if you get stifled by “the method.”

I don’t know about you, but I am great at creating new, shinier jails for myself.

When I first practiced Radical Honesty, I broke free from a lot of bullshit in my life. I felt so much more alive. But soon, I turned the method into a big, fat, and juicy must. I found myself in yet another prison: “I must always tell the truth. And I must tell it like we do in workshops!”

Of course, this is an impossible standard to live up to…

… one that led me to a lot of frustration, self-judgment, and lack of compassion for myself.

Here I was, trapped again inside the jail of my own beliefs and rules.

Ultimately, Radical Honesty is a flexible, in-the-moment practice, not a straightjacket.

Radical Honesty takes time, community, and practice.

I needed two or three years of practice until I found my own Radical Honesty style – one that honors my history, traumas, and uniqueness. And includes playfulness and perspective.

Today, after nine years, honesty is a big part of me and feels like second nature.

And I want to be careful not to be too automatic in truth telling. Radical Honesty is about awareness as much as it is about expression.

What are some of the pitfalls you experience with Radical Honesty?

Radical Honesty in Relationships

Radical Honesty in Relationships

I lied like crazy in my past relationships. 

I smiled when I was angry. I said I’m not jealous when I actually was. I pretended I had money when I was poor. I said my dad’s car was mine to impress women on dates. I faked attraction just to have sex. I tried to live up to imaginary standards of how I thought I should be.

I continuously betrayed my actual feelings and intuition at the will of MTV and co.

As a result, I felt frustrated, drained, and incongruent in all my relationships.

And then, I cheated on all my partners up to the age of 24. 

Of course, I lied about that too. I had the right support circle to justify my dishonesty: other frustrated men. And I did not only lie in my romantic relationships, I lied all the time.

At 26, I was tired and burned out. I craved real connection, yearned for love. Over time, I realized how freaking scared I was to show myself. My self-esteem was very low at that time.

Here is what I think I know now... 8 years later.

Lying is the primary cause of suffering in relationships 

Honesty in relationships means to quit performing and pretending. You show yourself how you actually are. I used to think that as a “dominant and playful alpha male” (some ideas I picked up on how I should be) I can never express anger, jealousy, or sadness. I had to be tough. 

Of course, this is shit-brained… and counterproductive for real relating.

The result was a constant state of anxiety, confusion, and disconnection.

It hurts to continuously go against the reality of the moment and the state of your body. Here are some problems that – alongside the ones I mentioned above – show up as a result of withholding, pretending and performing in relationships:

• Constant worrying in loops and overthinking stuff

• Replaying situations in your head, over and over

• Snap-reactions, outbursts, and run-offs 

• A sense of unworthiness and codependency

• Obsessing about small details in the relationship

• Subservient behavior and self-doubts 

I would go as far as to say that whenever you experience on-going distress, discomfort, anxiety or uneasiness in your relationships, you are probably hiding or withholding something important from your partner.

In my experience, lying is the primary cause of suffering in relationships.

And that includes withholding how I actually feel. It’s the top killer of aliveness, sexual attraction, and the joy of togetherness in relationships.

Luckily, freedom is often just one honest statement away.

Three simple and safe ways of telling the truth in a relationship

Now, how can one actually tell the truth? Where to start after years of lying?

For me, those were important questions. I had removed myself so far from my ability to tell the truth, I had to relearn it, step by step. Over the years as a trainer in Radical Honesty, I have discovered three simple and safe ways to show yourself in your relationship and get out of your head. There’s more, but those are good starting points.

1. Sometimes I pretend…

A great way to create connections and free yourself from worrying is to reveal some of your pretenses and say what was really true. In reality, this would sound something like this:

“Sometimes I pretend to you that I’m not tired when I’m actually tired.”

“Last Christmas I pretended I liked your gift when I actually did not.”

“Sometimes I pretend to you that I’m not angry when I actually am.”

“Yesterday I pretended I was not attracted to another person when I actually was.”

You get the idea. The goal here is to come clean about some of your pretenses. You can start small and work your way up to more pressing pretenses. Stay in touch with your body while you speak. You will likely experience some heightened sensations. This is good. This is aliveness coming back into your body. Do it and feel how you feel in the process.

If your partner is up for it, you can even turn this into a game and go back-and-forth.

If you do so, say “Thank You” after each sharing.

2. Are you willing to…?

I used to avoid asking direct questions to avoid hearing a direct answer.

I hid my wishes behind passive statements and manipulations. I had a lot of unspoken expectations in my partners, but how could they know? Instead of playing the hide-and-seek game, try this simple and direct way of asking for what you want.

The way to do this is to clearly separate the wish from the request. 

Here are a few examples:

“I would really like a massage tonight. Would you be willing to do that?”

“I’d like for you to bring me some apples from the market. Will you do that?”

“I want to watch a movie tonight. Will you watch one with me?”

By asking in this format, you take ownership of your wish and leave your partner a chance to say “Yah” or “Nah”. It’s very different from “Hhhm, how about we watch a movie tonight.”

Again you will likely feel more in your body when you ask this way.

Just be careful to not ask questions when you are angry or charged in some way.

This way, it would be better to first work through the feeling first. Also, don’t get too robotic about this. Just make sure you state what you actually want and leave your partner with a chance to agree or not. Own both, your wish and the questions.

3. When I heard you say / saw you do… I felt / thought...

Now, this is not Radical Honesty per se.

In a workshop, we approach the direct expression of feelings differently. Yet, this way is definitely better than pretending or faking and easy to do. 

Next time you feel sad, angry or hurt by something that happened, try this:

“When I heard you say X  just now, I felt tense in my body.”

“When I saw you do X just now, I noticed I felt angry at you.”

“When you did X yesterday, I judged you as X.”

Take a moment to pause and check-in with your body after such a statement.

The idea is not to blame the other person or try to change her.

For me, if I allow myself to acknowledge how I really felt or what I really thought, I have a better chance of letting go and moving on. When I fake or pretend that things are okay, I tend to chew on stuff in my head longer than necessary. 

Small incremental steps

Cultivating a more honest expression takes time.

It’s not always easy and you will sometimes experience discomfort. From my experience, the temporary discomfort was always worth the growth opportunity that was behind.

I needed two or three years to shift from habitual pretending to more honest relating. 

Start where you can without underwhelming or overwhelming yourself too much.

The fine line is where you can notice enhanced physical sensations and maybe a bit of discomfort. For me, this was always a good indicator that I’m on the right track to uncovering something important for me.

Don’t beat yourself up when you catch yourself pretending.

Simply start where you are with what you can, one honest statement at a time.