Four Subtle Pitfalls of Radical Honesty

Me and my fellow Radical Honesty trainers write newsletters to the international Radical Honesty community. Recently my friend Tuulia shared some strategies for getting over everyday bullshit. It’s a great, peer-sourced collection of tricks, suitable even for beginners.

Reading it, I inspired myself to write about four subtle pitfalls of Radical Honesty.

These are four patterns I observed in myself and others over the years.

Maybe you can relate, or maybe this will help you with your personal honesty practice.

The common theme here is this: turning one great experience into a new rule…

… and then ruling out new experiences.

1. Trying hard to get over stuff

In our Radical Honesty universe, we are biased towards getting over stuff.

We know that it’s a more invigorating, healthier way than holding grudges and old romances.

However, getting over stuff is more a nice byproduct of honesty than a goal in itself.

From experience, I can say that trying to get over “this or that” can be a trap. The effort and focus on the result might block the release I crave. Time and again, I overlooked small shifts and changes that already took place. I was too hooked on the idea of some grand release.

Instead of trying too hard to get over stuff, try this:

Are you stuck or hung-up on some situation? Then see what you held back in your communication. Likely, there was some expression you did not give, something you lied about or did not ask for. Can you go back to the people and say what now needs to be said?

By saying what’s true, you increase the chances of really getting over stuff.

2. Thinking you should like everyone

This was big for me.

More often than not, Radical Honesty leads to liking the very people we loathed. The best example is with my fellow Radical Honesty trainer Jura. In our first talk, years ago, I called her a “dirty hippie bi**h”. Then I relaxed and realised some of my wounds and pains.

After plenty of such cases, I created a few great beliefs:

“If I tell the truth enough, I will like everyone. In fact, I should like everyone and must try to.”

Today, I have healthy preferences for who I want to spend time with.

I am not saying to avoid certain people, or writing them off as too difficult.

Especially with people close to you, I recommend getting in contact and telling your truth.

But don’t hypnotise yourself into having to like everyone.

I doubt Brad Blanton would fall in love with Trump, even after ten completion talks.

But maybe he would tolerate him more, have some more peace in his mind.

3. Using quick resentments as a cover-up

Learning to express and work with anger directly was life-changing for me.

I finally had a tool (and proper justification!) for being angry out loud.

But expressing quick resentment often was a control pattern ...

… to not be with uncomfortable physical sensations. Or get some quick release.

Don’t get me wrong, if anger is in the foreground, by all means say it. But don’t stop there.

I often used anger as a sure-fire way to get the upper hand when I really felt helpless. I got loud to feel some movement in stuck situations. I blew up and resented someone when I felt intimidated, insecure, or afraid. Or to protect some old wounds and guard my softness.

With powerful practices like Radical Honesty we need to be our own whistleblowers.

Is anger really the only reaction here? Or am I also covering something?

The key is to notice more, moment-to-moment. And check and re-check your intention.

4. Becoming stifled by “the method”

Brad always said: “Today’s liberating insight becomes tomorrow’s jail.”

Well, that can include Radical Honesty if you get stifled by “the method.”

I don’t know about you, but I am great at creating new, shinier jails for myself.

When I first practiced Radical Honesty, I broke free from a lot of bullshit in my life. I felt so much more alive. But soon, I turned the method into a big, fat, and juicy must. I found myself in yet another prison: “I must always tell the truth. And I must tell it like we do in workshops!”

Of course, this is an impossible standard to live up to…

… one that led me to a lot of frustration, self-judgment, and lack of compassion for myself.

Here I was, trapped again inside the jail of my own beliefs and rules.

Ultimately, Radical Honesty is a flexible, in-the-moment practice, not a straightjacket.

Radical Honesty takes time, community, and practice.

I needed two or three years of practice until I found my own Radical Honesty style – one that honors my history, traumas, and uniqueness. And includes playfulness and perspective.

Today, after nine years, honesty is a big part of me and feels like second nature.

And I want to be careful not to be too automatic in truth telling. Radical Honesty is about awareness as much as it is about expression.

What are some of the pitfalls you experience with Radical Honesty?

Is Finding Your Purpose A Futile Journey?

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The endless task of polishing your illusions

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Regarding purpose, I find myself in tension between two poles. 

My psychology-and-personal-growth-influenced friends love having a life purpose. 

They see it as an indicator for personal transformation. To them, purpose marks a transition point.
We outgrew our past stories, reactivity, and bullshit. Now, we actively create a future by the power of declaration. 

My friend and teacher Dr. Brad Blanton is a big proponent of purpose work.

He told me all the time: 

“Kid, get a new purpose. Your mind will chew on you in the same old ways if you don’t give it some larger context. Realign your energy and the resources you freed up in completion work and put them to some use, ideally benefitting other humans. Therapy ends where activism of some sort begins!”

It does sound good in theory, but there’s a flip side to that.

These days, I study the works of Indian teacher Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj.

In “I am That”, he often makes clear that “living is life’s only purpose.” Maharaj describes mind-made purpose as just more wallpaper for the same old prison of pain and pleasure. To him, all purpose as a separate self is just another illusion that is of limited use for true realisation. 

His concerns are not with the persona, but with spiritual enlightenment. 

“All happens by itself” and “leave your world alone,” he says. 

So is purpose work futile?

Not any more or any less than not doing it.

Jokes aside for now. I guess it depends on who is asking and how you approach it.

From a spiritual standpoint, purpose work does seem kind of unimportant. 

All ideas of purpose as a separate self are like hand puppets. The puppet might be new and flashy. But the show remains the same. If we get too attached to the new puppet, we might forget that we are actually running the entire show.

Who we really are is not affected by declaring a new purpose.

Or to quote my second all-time favourite rapper Jay-Z: 

“You can try to change, but that’s just the top layer. 

Man, you was who you was before you got here.”

In that sense, who we really are underneath is not touched by our doings. 

And no words or purpose can really reach that far inside. 

So is there any use in having a life purpose?

As a game, maybe. 

For most people, a little less surface pain and a little more pleasure seems like a great deal.

So why not play with life whilst giving it different parameters? Use our minds as tools in our service. 

This will not lift us over pains and pleasures. It just rearranges the toys on the playground. That’s like updating your computer to play better games with flashier graphics. It’s still a game, but maybe a better game.

Psychologically speaking, playing life with purpose gives us a sense of power, self-determination and choice. 

Having a few years of purposeful living is a refreshing thing. Especially if, in the past, we kept a damper on our lives and played the victim. At least it can serve as a healthy plateau, an interim level to find peace and make time for deeper introspection.

And maybe, if we persist in our game long enough, maybe we get tired.

Or like Alan Watts said: “A fool who persists in his folly will eventually become wise.”

Purpose Game Ground-rules 

Personally, I like playing with the idea of purpose. 

My mind seems more at ease this way. I see purpose as a life jacket that keeps my character afloat in the sea of life. 

Here are some ideas I find useful to put purpose work into a playful, non-serious perspective. 

1. Purpose does not make or break me. My core as a human being is not affected by my purpose. My “I am” precedes all purpose. Purpose is a practical, surface-level trick that may or may not help me relax. My happiness does not depend on having a written purpose. It does not depend on things. 

2. Purpose is just something to play with. I don’t have to have a purpose. It’s not a very serious thing. I am aware that playing with purpose will not liberate me from the pains and pleasures of being human. It’s a “choose your illusions” kind of thing.

3. Purpose is more inner work, than outer. If I see purpose as having to change the outside world, I run against my own projections. Effective purpose work firstly changes the way I see,and then brings change from the inside out.

4. Purpose frames reality in a different way. Purpose provides a context for my life. It helps me to discriminate and focus my actions. It’s like a coloured pair of glasses I can put on to see things in a certain light. However, life continues if I take off the glasses.

There are more subtleties to explore around this subject, but that’s enough to chew on and digest for now.

Phew, I just got really serious about my purpose of exploring and explaining purpose.

Don’t be gamed by the game 

The overarching context we are in is life or existence itself.

Life is the grand container that holds space for all possible purposes. It’s the mother of purpose. If we decide on a new life purpose, we are crafting a sub-container within this larger container. Picture a glass of sparkling bubbly water. Each little bubble soaring to the surface is contained in the water. But the water would be just fine without the bubble. 

To the bubble, bubbling is very serious. To the water, it might be a tiny tickle at best, that leaves no trace. 

It’s the same with purpose. 

All purposes need life as the vessel, but life does not need mind-made concepts of purpose.

Even simpler: No life, no purpose. No purpose, no problem!

I like reminding myself that I am playing a game, and playing it consciously.

If I forget, I might be gamed by the game. 

I might lure myself in with a shinier illusion, one that’s harder to see through due to its next-level, upgraded, best-ever shininess, one that’s harder to let go of because of its pleasantness, bombasticness, visionariness, or world-savingness. But it’s still just a game. 

So whenever you get serious about building your purpose container, notice the larger container you are already in. Be mindful of the game you are playing. Keep a playful mood going. Living is already a great enough purpose.

P.S.

If you are serious about your purpose, be as serious as possible. Make being serious the purpose. The biggest treat is not in being serious or unserious. It’s inhibiting yourself by thinking you should be any different than you are. Ideally, your purpose just states the obvious and includes characteristics you won’t get rid of anyways. So use them fully and consciously. 

Every now and then I run Life Purpose workshops. We get together, state our purposes to one another, feedback honestly to each other, and coach each other on bringing out our best visions for our lives moving forward. They tend to be deeply, seriously playful, and we all come away with a better game to play based on our own personality and situation. 

Modesty is ego

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This is a true story. I don’t think I’ve ever told this in public. 

When I was thirteen years old, my father scored a few afterparty passes to the Bravo Supershow.

It was the pinnacle event of pop-music during my teenage years. All my idols shared the stage.

I sported my glittering triple-silver Southpole tracksuit, my fake-silver Wu-Tang chain, and my Nick Carteresque Centre-parting. I was on a mission to scavenge autographs from my favourite stars. 

Around 9 PM, a well-dressed guy approached us. 

He identified himself as Thomas Anders’ talent scout. Thomas Anders is the (probably) lesser known half of the German duo Modern Talking, spearheaded by “Pop-Titan" Dieter Bohlen. 

“Do you have any singing experience?” He asked after a while.

I shook my head.

“That’s no big problem. We could teach you and fix the rest in the studio.” 

My dad and I spoke with him for twenty minutes or so.

“I think you have something the industry needs.” He slid us his card.

My dad, of course, immediately vetted his credentials. 

The guy was sincere, well-respected, and was who he said he was. 

At home, I could barely sleep. I was too excited. The next morning, I told my mom.

“Mom, I could be a star. This talent scout person said I could play in Gute Zeiten, Schlechte Zeiten (a former television series) and then maybe have my own pop-duo with another person they will cast. They will teach me how to sing and act.” 

I remember feeling really vibrant in my upper body. 

Her initial response was sobering: “Marvin, this is quite an egotistical thing to want”

Safety on the sidelines

I don’t remember the exact chain of events. We mulled the idea over for two weeks. 

In my memory, my father was more supportive. He talked to the scout a few times.

My mother was more resistant. Many things were said over those weeks.

Finally, the negotiation ended with a phone call:

“Marvin wants to finish school first and go into higher education after.”

We refused the offer. I was sad. I still am sad writing this twenty-one years later.

Not because I wanted to be a singer, I never actually wanted that.

I am sad about these deadening and playfulness-shackling beliefs I created:

• Being in the foreground or on stage is egotistical

• Playing and doing something fun is selfish 

• Being admired is something I should not want

• Keeping on the sidelines is humble and better 

• Being rich and famous means stealing from others

• Wanting to be big in anything is a selfish desire

And so I studied business, collected two degrees, and worked in humble jobs…

… until I burned myself out at 26 by suppressing my true desires, inhibiting excitement & feelings, and pretending to be someone I was not. False modesty and playing small did not get me anywhere.

“That’s the most egotistical thing you’ve said so far!” 

Two years ago, I went to Virginia to visit my old teacher Brad Blanton.

He hosted a Life Purpose workshop on a local organic farm.

In one session, I spoke about the electronic music I was making, and my blockages.

I had forty or so finished tracks. I struggled to pinpoint what I wanted to achieve with it.
I said something like this: 

“You know, I think I should not want to be THAT guy standing there on stage, soaking in attention, and controlling how people dance with buttons I push. I don’t want to be driven by my ego.”
I’ll never forget Brad’s answer to that.

“That’s the most egotistical thing you’ve said so far!” 

He continued.

“Thinking you should not be on stage is ego-driven bullshit. It’s just another side of the same coin. Falsely modest people are often the biggest egomaniacs. They are worse than the ones who go on stage. They are hoarding their unique gifts and talents, are super-righteous, and condemn those things they secretly wish for themselves.”

That landed, and since then I have been exploring this. 

What’s egoistic?

I was quick to write-off certain surface-level actions as egoistic.

But can I really judge an action as egoistic, humble, or selfless without digging deeper?

Can’t a seemingly humble, selfless person, giving their last cent to charity, be a complete ego-maniac?
Can a seemingly egotistical, guitar-smashing rockstar with five wives be humble, selfless, and serve others?

What does make the difference is the underlying orientation.

And I believe that the main distinctive factor is fear. Fear is at the root of ego.

Most of the time I thought I was modest and noble, but I was just shitscared to do what I really wanted.

I used fake humility and modesty as rosy, socially-accepted cover-ups for my fear.

And when my mom said “that is quite an egoistic thing to want” ...

… she was just scared of how I would end up.

Some Final Thoughts

Ultimately, what really matters is this: 

Are you doing what you want, or not?

To those that think doing what you want is selfish, picture this:

Imagine that the young, pre-pop star Madonna decided that being on stage is too selfish. That she should not get the attention. Should not have fun doing what she loves and rather work in a job, to not stand-out. Firstly, she would have likely been very unhappy. Secondly, in the name of selflessness, she would have actually robbed millions of girls around the world from a chance to dance, celebrate, wear nice outfits, and stand up for themselves a little bit more. Madonna being the fullest version of Madonna is helping people all around the world to be a bit bigger themselves. 

So next time you point the ego gun at someone, you know that somewhere in the shadows of you is a desire, a secret dream, a craving for the figurative or literal spotlight.

Simplicity is King – The Complexity Bias

“If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough” - Albert Einstein

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Most people, past me included, have picked up the notion that good things have to be difficult. We don’t value what comes easy. Feel like we don’t deserve what we don’t work hard for.

Over the past years, I learned how to write electronic music using only my computer. Countless times, I found myself with a really good idea after just one or two sessions. And then, my complexity  bias kicked in, mixed with a bit of imposter syndrome:

“This can’t be good. You only worked 6 hours on the lead!”

“This is too easy. You need to work-in more intricacy!”

“There are too few plug-ins used, this sounds too dry!”

“You have not written enough music to write anything good!”

So I went back to the track and began complicating things. Weeks later, the arrangement looked like a motherboard from a NASA computer. The effects chain was long and complex (I sometimes could no longer tell what was going on) The original melody was butchered.

I played the track to my dad, who worked in music all his life:

“That’s really intelligent and all, but I don’t think I could dance to that.”

Until this day, my most celebrated track took me three days to write.

Do you make things harder than they have to be?

If you do, you are not alone. As proud owners of a human mind, we all have to deal with the insidious whispers from within. A mind loves complications, challenges, and that which it does not have. Life itself does not care. Your heart beats itself. Breathing is effortless. 

For the mind, life is hard because it’s easy! 

Here is a pattern many people follow (adapted from Robert Fritz):

• Start something you want to do

• Make it harder than it has to be

• Lose interest in doing it

• Convince yourself that it was not what you actually wanted

What’s at the core of making things harder?

I think it’s plain and simple fear. Fear that has many surface-level shapes:

• Fear of not being good enough

• Fear of being called a fraud 

• Fear of not being special enough

• Fear of being criticised by normal people 

And the biggest one:

Fear of simple success and your own power. 

As Marianne Williamson put it:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.”

Simplicity trumps sophistication

In my twenties, I wanted to get better at dating. I studied from the self-proclaimed seduction masters on the internet. I developed a complex model of how the “process” had to be, that I neatly divided into different phases. For each phase, I had a handful of pre-planned things I could say. I had rehearsed techniques. My model was sophisticated.

And, besides being draining, it also didn’t work.

Reality is always simpler than we make it out to be in our minds. 

What worked in the end was simple human contact.

Ultimately, I think sophistication is a protection from uncomfortable feelings in our bodies. And once we learn to tolerate simple physical sensations, we don’t have to hide behind layers of complexity.

We make things hard because we are secretly afraid of getting what we (think we) want. 
There is more to say on this, but for today, I want to leave it here.

The Power of Your Attention

Pay attention, or pay

I loathed the word “Attention” for the first twenty-five years of my life. 

To me, “attention” always had a negative ring of urgency and emergency to it. 

Too many teachers barked “Pay attention!”; too many times I heard “The kid lacks attention”. So I created the story that attention is a very serious thing. In my world, attention was something to learn through willpower and discipline. 

And I thought to myself:

“I am just not good at paying attention!”

And so I paid a lot of attention to this belief, and tried harder to pay attention. 

While I thought I was improving my attention…

I only added tension to my body: neck, back, eyes, shoulders.

As a result, I got more tired and stressed. Bad eyesight. And bashed myself more:

 “See, you can’t pay attention.” 

Then I went down the spiral again:

1. tried harder to pay attention

2. felt more tired by the tension

3. played violent video games

4. judged myself 

5. started a new cycle 

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What attention really is.

Attention is the single most natural thing we do all the time.

At any given second, we are attending to something. Literally, you can never not pay attention. 

That means there are no more or less attentive people. What can vary is

1. The content of what they are attending to, right now.

2. The quality of their attention 

Here’s a little picture to consider:

Imagine a tiny peephole in the middle of an infinite wall. Beyond the wall is a vast, colorful, incredibly awesome show. But you can’t see the whole thing. You are limited by whatever little perspective your peephole offers you. There would be more to take in, many different angles and viepoints, but the peephole (your attention) defines your perspective on the show. 

This is the story of your life and your attention in a nutshell. 

Attention is the fragment of what you could register that you are actively registering, right now, out of the entire possibility of your awareness. Now, as humans, we can register in a distinctly human way. 

Every moment, we can attend to:

• a certain range of audible frequencies

• a certain spectrum of visible colours

• a narrow range of smells/tastes/touch impressions

• certain bodily sensations, feelings, moods, or emotions 

• verbal, non-verbal, and hybrid forms of thought/ideas/vision

If your awareness  is the grand potential of all “things” you could register…

… your attention is the gatekeeper of what you are actively registering. 

It’s through attention that we give power to certain things in our world.

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The Quality of your Attention…

Here goes a bold claim: The quality of your attention determines the quality of your life.

Your active memory tells the story of what you attended to. You can only remember what you actively registered. Every story you tell can be told in a million ways, but you are bound by what you actively paid attention to, day after day. Your attention is the gatekeeper of what you let into your world, and allow to grow as a part of you. 

If you only attend to thoughts, you will remember your day as a succession of them.

If you only attend to screens all day, hectically clicking, your life is likely scattered and hectic. 

If you only attend to “The News” all day, your life is what others tell you it should be.

If you only attend to work someone gives you, of course you are lacking purpose.

If you only attend to puppies all day, your life will be kind of fluffy.

Of course, these are extremes, for we never just attend to one activity. 

But this simple truth can’t be overstated:

What you are attending to and how you are attending defines what you see as your life.

The story of your life is the story of your attention and your attention is the lifeblood of your world. 

Where focus (attention) goes, energy flows! 

Now, a logical question is this: Who is in charge of your attention?

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Who’s in charge here?

I live in Prague, close to the famous castle. 

There is a popular viewpoint next to the entrance. 

From there, you can see the picturesque red roofs of the Old Town. 

Next to the Starbucks, you find a few coin-operated binoculars. 

Now, imagine wanting to look at the city and explore things. You drop your hard-earned money into the slot. You step onto the little platform and place your eyes behind the lens. The shutter opens and you find that…

... neither the zoom nor the rotation arm works.

The machinery is fixed onto one boring wall, and you can’t move it. Bummer!

By all means, you wasted your money, right? 

What would be considered a broken device is many people’s daily attention default mode. 

Someone else pre-defined and fixed:

1. What we are attending to (crop) 

2. The quality of our attention (zoom and focus)

With the binocular, we could of course just walk away, or complain. 

We could get our money back. But paid attention is non-refundable!

But our attention is closer to us. It’s so hard to see because it defines what and how we see.

And so, many humans habitually live with their attention inside their thoughts, 96% of the time.

The ways we attend to the world become second-nature, and we forget that we have a choice.

Over time, we get comfortable with our peephole or broken binoculars.

But there is so much more to explore, if we shift our attention.

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Reclaim your attention.

Here goes another bold statement: 

To bring about lasting change in your world, you have to re-learn to direct your attention. 

When I first realised that my attention was pre-set, I was down for a while. 

I had to admit that the ways I paid attention (and what I attended to) were not my own choices, but reactive, conditioned ways. Starting with school, I learned to “pay attention” to arbitrary authorities and their ideas of what I should focus on. I learned to habitually attend to thoughts and figure out how to make a good impression. I learned to give attention to problem-solving and found myself creating problems in my own mind.

It was like my mother lived inside my head, asking me math-questions out of nowhere!

My attention always had a nervous glimmer and some shock-like jumps to it. 

And let’s be honest…

Some people make a killing by binding your attention to your social media feed. It’s not that data is the most valuable resource. Your attention is. Data is just a means to an end. The richest companies control your attention the longest. You are trained early to pay attention in ways that benefit others.

So, how can you reclaim your attention?

Time-tested practices like meditation, creating art, Yoga, or Tai-chi definitely help. But they are just training wheels. At any given second, you can ask yourself “where is my attention now?” or “what do I notice now?”. To begin, keep things simple. Stick to three simple categories. Is your attention more in your body, the external world, or your thoughts?

Likely, if you are like most people I work with and myself, it will be in your thoughts.

See if you can just notice thoughts, without adding more fuel to the fire. 

Of course, I teach Radical Honesty workshops, so I am biased. Take it with objective distance, but I personally like to think that the most effective way to reclaim attention is by telling the truth. If I align my words with my perception, I notice my thoughts quieting down and my attention becoming more focused.

If you don’t take charge of your attention, someone else sure will. You need your attention to bring about your own ideas. Without this, you will likely feel like a captive ball inside the pinball machine called life.

Who cares, if the universe doesn’t?

There are some who say the universe does not care about us.

It’s too big, too indifferent; too busy doing universe stuff. 

I think they are right. The big “it” does not care. 

While this may be a sobering realisation at first, it comes with great potential. 

Take a look around

If we take a look around, we see that the universe allows some weird stuff, right?

Sadly, “it” does not seem to favor what we call good over evil.

We can’t pinpoint a built-in moral or value system, like us humans have. 

The universe seems to support what we call love as much as hate. 

Every act that ever happened was enabled by this thing. 

The universe supported Mandela, Hildegard von Bingen, and Michelangelo. 

But it also supported Mao, Hitler, and some other murderous psychopaths I don’t even want to mention. 

What we see as good, bad, ugly, or terrific is of no value to the universe. It does not care for what we create as humans. It just provides the canvas and colours for however we want to paint our lives

Just look around… everything there is can exist, like it or not. 

So who cares then, if the universe does not?

Two big decisions…

We care. Or, we can choose to care. We can also choose to not care. 

I think two of the biggest conscious decisions we can ever make are how to explore and answer these questions for ourselves:

• Is the universe a friendly place? 

• And is human nature good by design?

There is no universal truth, for the question of whether there is universal truth only exists for us humans.

This is up to you to choose. And the choice you make will determine how you will see. You can choose that humans are, by design, bad. This is a possible thing to assume. Your choice.

For the universe, there is just stuff happening outside any words, logic, causal effects, fairness, and so on. For us humans, this is different. But neither choice is truer by universal law.

Both choices have consequences in the way you act in your world.

For a long time, I assumed humans were bad. I thought everyone was out to get me. I had to stay smart and prepared to prevent people from taking advantage of me. I learned this from one of my important early caretakers, who always said: “Marvin, 95% of humans are organic trash!” 

Ouch! 

A note on healing

Our early experiences and traumas of course play into how we currently see the world. 

If you experienced a whole lot of sh*t in your life, your systems are on guard. Highly likely, you project danger everywhere. You involuntarily see what could be a treat as a potential threat.

But no matter what, there is a chance to reclaim choice in how you are going to see.

You may require some deal of trauma work or healing to get there. And once you make a conscious choice, you might realise what actually stands in the way of embodying this. 

So this is a continuous process, not a one-off choice.

Ultimately, I think we owe it to our being to not be run by the bad things we could not change…

…but choose the parameters we want the rest of our lives to unfold in.

Because why would you consciously want to live any differently? 

Why wouldn't you want to do the work and expand your life forever?

And we will be supported by life, just as everything you see and know is supported. 

Choose to care…

From these two core decisions, we can use this Universal Indifference to shape our reality.

While the universe itself does not seem to care nor favor any “thing” over another, this very same mechanism enables you to choose. You can choose to care. And what you want to care for. We can pick our so-called battles. For no apparent reasons, we can declare our involvement with whatever we want, and get to work. 

The universe does not care for your

• Personal story

• How much or little you suffered 

• Triple college degree

•  Experience, race, gender

• Political leaning 

I like picturing what we call “universe” here (and could probably be called many other things) as a completely indifferent “thing” that has no intrinsic wants. However, it provides the possibility for all kinds of human desires to be expressed. This is not some Law of Attraction stuff. All we need is to look around and see what is all made possible. 

And it works for all, not just for some. If you choose it to. You can also choose that it does not and that you are powerless. You will find plenty of proof for whatever you chose. You can also choose to think that you are too inhibited to choose. It works. I did this for 25 years. 

When in doubt

I sometimes apply a little trick when I doubt myself.

When I think I can’t do something, I call to mind a thing that annoys me. This used to be sugary drinks being sold to children. I don’t like this. Bah. I think it should not be. But that does not help me, because the universe does not care about my dislike and enables such businesses.

Here is what I tell myself instead:

Well, if these people can create addictive products and do well doing so, I can probably start a new workshop format I have never tried. If oil companies are universally allowed to dig into the rainforest, maybe I will be supportive by taking my services to businesses. 

The point is not to be driven by anger here. You don’t want to be an against-something person. The idea is to get some perspective and realise that you can do what you want, especially if you have good intentions for the world.

So, do you want to do the work and expand your life forever?

The Art of Being who You Are

The Art of Being who you are 

When a baby is born, she has no words.

She is born without language-based thoughts. No mine or yours.

Yet, she is a human being. She has a heart. She breathes. She is. Here and now.

She is aware of her surroundings. She interacts. She is conscious. Just like you and me.

Maybe more. 

The baby has no story about herself. Yet, she is! 

All new-born human beings are born without a concept. You were too.

When adults in my workshop say that they want to find themselves, they search in the wrong place.

Most people look for who they are inside their thoughts. We sit and wonder with words about ourselves. Who am I? But really? Hhhm. We create stories about ourselves. What most of us forget is that we already were alive before we could speak. Life precedes language!

Can language ever pinpoint who you are?

Language is a practical tool, no doubt. It serves to limit options. 

Originally, it was created by us humans to make ordinary everyday interactions easier. 

This was very useful when we lived in caves with tigers sleeping outside. To survive, humans learned to express themselves, to warn their tribe about imminent threats to survival. We learned to cooperate. Build tools. And delegate. Learned to prepare for future threats.

Great. That’s the gift of the human mind. But then the curse kicked in. 

The tool of thinking turned around and started using the user.

Obsession with thinking…

Humans are drawn to excesses. Excesses of power. Excesses of consumption. Excesses of ourselves. And also, excesses with thinking and language. We always want more. 

Now, everything must fit into the boxes our language created.

We have to understand. Make meaning out of everything. Categorize the life out of everything. Even ourselves. We try to pinpoint who we are with a 26-letter limiting system.

That’s like sitting in a puddle of rainwater, claiming you are swimming in the Atlantic Ocean. 

It’s not quite the same thing. Like your Tinder profile picture is not the real you.

Anyways.

I don’t want to discredit thinking here. I love logic and writing stuff.

But can language ever describe the real you? Hardly. 

If you look for who you are only inside of thoughts, the best you can come up with is a convenient story – a personal sales pitch to make interactions more hassle-free. 

To summarise:

Language is like a dress. You can wear a fancy one with glitter. A simple one. An offensive one. A long or a short one. Yet, underneath your dress, you still are who you are. 

And who or what is that, you wonder...

Being who we really are

Humans have exactly two existences. 

First, we are a human being in the moment. A bundle of nerves, sensations, and perception. A human being, right here and now. Second, we have the self. The character. That’s the personal story we have carefully computed over the course of our lives, using language. 

 “Hi, my name is… who?” “Pleased to meet you. I work in science. And you?”

If we want to truly be who we really are, we have to connect more with the first.

And that scares the hell out of us!

Because that means we would have to cry when we are sad, stomp when we are angry, and laugh when we are happy. It means we have to give up control. Take our thoughts less seriously. Trust our body more than our mind. Place more importance on noticing than thinking. 

The simplest, most difficult thing in the world!

In order to be who you are, there is nothing you can do. Absolutely nothing. 

Every tiny bit of voluntary effort does not bring you any closer. Who you really are has never changed. Your story might change. You might have made more experiences. You might have developed a more complex language to convince others. But you are still the same.

So what’s that part of you that never changed?

Your awareness. Your ability to just observe and notice. The content of what you notice changes all the time. Today you feel warm, tomorrow you feel cold. The awareness of both is the same.

The problem is that we have invested too much in thinking, it’s hard to let go. Whenever a thought comes into our awareness, we take it very seriously. Every single thought. 

It’s a learned obsession with language. 

Next time you wonder who the real you is, just observe. It’s just a thought. Not more or less serious than thinking about your next dinner. Who said you have to answer? Just observe the hide and seek game you play with yourself and realize it’s all just thoughts.

The question and the answer are not real. They are just thoughts, nothing serious.

You will never find the real you inside the stream of thoughts.

Yes, thoughts are a part of your awareness and can be helpful and good tools, but you are equally your bodily sensations, senses, and your ability to just notice without attachment. The best story you can have about yourself remains but a grain of sand in the ocean.

Unleash your Creative Potential

Unblock your Creative Potential

There are two truths hidden in the headline of this article.
First, you have creative potential. Creativity is nothing you need to gain or learn, but is your very human nature. Second, at least a part of your creative potential is currently bound and not actively available to you. 

This article is dedicated to freeing up space inside of you for creation. 

To begin with, I will share some of my background so you know how my life was before I arrived at the underlying realisation that helped me create 2 books, write 60-70 songs, build nourishing relationships all over the world, create happiness, and design workshops within 7 years. 

I've written this so you can see what is possible for you.

...even if you are stuck neck-deep right now!

Cold and filled with terrors...

I remember a grey and cold winter about a decade ago. I worked for KPMG, the auditing giant. I rented a small studio in Frankfurt, had an assortment of tailored black suits, and a spot in an underground car park for my polished car. I remember barely sleeping, feeling lonely and scared. I had no friends in town. I watched porn a lot. My eyes twitched in the dark. 

I dreaded waking up. I felt lifeless, zombified. Empty.

Driving to work – a depressingly dark building in a suburb – everything was linked to bleak outcomes. My mind was filled with terrors, compulsively obsessing: “next time you drive past this street sign, you will think about your parents dying”. At work, I smiled and then went and hid in the toilet to cry, masturbate, or both. And then continued smiling and following orders. 

To summarise this depressing time of my life, I was quite fu**ed up. 

I dreamt about doing something more creative. Something with people.

But I continued living a shadow-existence for the next 4 years, pretending and lying, not getting any closer to my vague dream of being more creative and with people. One day in yet another corporate job, I doodled logos for my imaginary author alter-ego into my journal. 

Yet I was not creating anything. Or… was I ...?

You. A creative genius?

That question slowly paved the way for a game-changing realisation. 

I would love to tell you my turning point as a dramatic, satori-like twist. Yet, this would not be true here. Arriving at the realisation I am about to share was a slow and steady process, fuelled by meditation, journaling, traveling, workshops, psychedelics, and telling the truth…

...and a whole lot of philosophising about creativity!

Here is what I believe is true about you, right now. 

You are always creating. 

Right now, your life is a genius creative act. At any given second, you are the creative powerhouse of your life. Literally, you can never not create your reality.

You create all your joys. And you create your downs. And your last failed relationship. And your dissatisfaction at work. The truth is that all these situations take effort, energy, and ability to create. And you are the creator behind them, making them real for you.

Even scarcity is a rich creation.

Being dissatisfied for days on end might be a more difficult creation than writing a book.

You might not view any of the above as pleasant creations, yet they are creative acts.

Let’s go a bit more in-depth here.

Reactive vs. Active Creation

What do you reading this article and Michaelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel have in common? You are both human. And as such, you are both creative geniuses in your own regard. Sure, the content of what you create might be different, yet you are both creative masters at the same time, fueled by the same breath and heartbeat, living the same moment. 

There has never been a moment in your life where you were not creative. 

Even if you tell yourself that you are not creative, this is, in fact, quite a creative story to create. And it’s genius to hold this idea in your head for days on end, and make yourself believe it. 

Now I can imagine you might be wondering...

But why would I create all this stuff that I don’t like? Why do I feel so bad?

I get it. This was the same question I had. And even today when I don’t want to take responsibility for my life, I take refuge in the idea of being a passive receiver. 

So let’s look at the Michelangelo example again. 

What’s the difference between you two?

Likely, you are more or less reactively creating your life, driven by the past and other’s expectations. You might not even think that you are creative (which, as we now know, takes creativity to create). He is more in charge of his creative faculties, stirred forward by vision. 

Yet, you are both equal in your ability to create. Only the content varies. 

What sets you and your favorite artist apart is not that they are more creative, as we will see in the next chapter. What sets you apart is reactive versus active creation.

Creativity as your Nature

Let’s play a quick game.

Pick a random object in your proximity and point your finger at it.

Good. That’s where the object is, right now. And now, point to where you create this object. Where is the source of the object being the way it is? Inevitably, your finger has to point at your own head. This is where you create the object now and all your world, always.

At any given moment, you are the creative center of your world. 

You create your whole world inside of your own brain, fuelled by your senses. And you are the only person who sees the world the way you do. On this level, there is not a thing you can do to enhance or diminish your creativity. When you die, your world ends. Before that, you constantly create. You are the playwright, lead character, and spectator of your life, all at once.

And you might write a sad and depressing, or an uplifting story. It does not matter. The mechanics of creation stay the same. The only difference is if you are aware of your creative role, or not. 

Even now your brain creates this article, supported by your eyes and language-skills.

Where is the center of an infinite universe? Answer: In the brain, trying to answer the question. 

Shifting towards conscious creation

Okay, let’s take a breath here. 

Likely, you have not given yourself credit for the creations of your life, have you? If you are like me, your go-to strategy is seeing yourself on the receiving end of life. Life just happens and there is nothing I can do! But where do you create life happening to you?

Looking back at my story, I was unconsciously creating my life.

That means I was driven by my past bullshit and, without questioning, replaying the same loops. I had no perspective on my creative nature, no space between impulse and reaction. My mind was filled with negative self-talk and I made myself believe my self-defeating stories.

And despite this being unpleasant, it’s nevertheless quite creative. Isn’t it? 

My friend Brad Blanton once told me:

“You seem to think of yourself as a shit-sandwich. Yet when I look at you, I see you as a creative genius. So we have a pretty different idea about you. And I recommend you to try out my view for change and see how that feels.”

So what if you would see yourself as the creator of your world?

At this point, we have to quickly talk about control. Of course, being the creator of your world does not mean you are in control. You have no control over the outside world and what people tell you and how you feel and which thoughts come to you. Yet, you are creating your own experience. You are always the source of your experience. 

You are the creator of your world. And you are out of control. 

How does that make you feel?

Sit with that for a while and allow yourself to notice all your feelings and thoughts. 

In Part II, we will look at concrete ways to free-up space inside of you that are currently bound in your unconscious, creating, and re-creating based on your past. We will see how you can reclaim authority over your life and create more actively. And then it does not matter whether you set out to write the next great opera, start a family, or build your entrepreneurial dream business, if you chose to do so.

Get more ME time. With others.

Get more ME time. With others.

Me time. Time for myself. Time to feel good. Most people see me time as a break from socializing. Wine and cigarettes at home. Television and gummy bears. Netflix no chill. But how would it be if you could allow yourself more ME time in the presence of other people?

Getting a break for yourself without having to step on the break.

My Brief History

For a long time, I’ve felt most comfortable being alone. After some time alone I would miss being with people. However, when I was actually with people, I missed being alone again. I could never get it right, always wanting what wasn’t there. 

I dreaded socializing: it seemed like a lot of effort. 

I felt lonely in the presence of the very people I was supposed to feel close to. 

I seemed to be living inside a murky goldfish bowl, strangely muted and unable to reach out.

I could not break through, could not be heard or seen in the ways I wanted. 

But who was I to want anything in the first place? So I talked myself out of even trying.

The real me seemed too much to uncork, and so I kept myself bottled-up. 

I agreed to plans I did not like. Smiled when I felt like crying. 

I ended up drained and frustrated. At parties, I often snuck out without saying goodbye.

In relationships, I did the same. 

Unconscious role-playing as the cause of social isolation 

I think the main cause of my loneliness was perpetual, unconscious role-playing. 

The nice listener who always has an open ear (although I did not really care).
The funny guy that likes everything that was going on.
The careless, mysterious tough guy who does not speak much.
The provider and selfless man.
The seductive alpha male who always knows what to say.
The good business student who cares about outsourcing and franchises. 

Now, all of these roles had a function. All roles do. They are never bad per se.

Roles are shaped according to previous experiences. These roles were my best shot at avoiding more pain. They supported me to gain pleasure. It’s always easy to point the finger in retrospect, but at that time, they were the best options I had available. 

I was totally reactive and living on auto-pilot. 

At that point, I was not consciously aware of how much I role-played.

Yet, I took my role-playing very seriously. 

And so eventually the role of my roles switched from tools in my mental toolkit to my masters. I did not flexibly respond to what life brought my way but tried to force life to fit my chosen role.

Like an actor, I was always in character. Trying. Performing. Reacting. 

And of course, this was draining and I had to isolate myself, feeling overwhelmed. 

Sound familiar?

Exercise: Develop Role Awareness

Now, before we will go into three specific ways to get more me time with others, take a moment to reflect. Which roles are you playing? In what ways are you “in character”?

Really take some time here to reflect.

Think about the big picture – the cinematic stuff, so to speak. What are your big life roles? If you don’t like the word role here, ask yourself, in which ways are you performing? 

And then look at the small, daily stuff. Which roles do you play on the bus? The supermarket?

And then give those roles some credit for making your life easier. 

Just becoming aware of how much I pretend helps me to create a little gap between me and all my roles. And in that gap lives a choice. I can choose to keep playing a role or choose to tell the truth and break free. It’s okay to play roles… if you are not limited to that.

How to get more ME time with others

Okay, now let’s look at ways to get more time for yourself with other people.

I imagine that ME time has something to do with feeling good in my body. Worrying less. Being in sync with the world. Feeling connected to the moment. In the past, I only knew how to do that alone. Well, it does seem easier to be in flow of life without others. 

But there is a way to feel more connected and integral in the company of others.

And the way is honesty – telling the truth about what is going on. 

To me, this comes down to three basic practices:

1. Asking for what I want 

2. Telling the truth about my current experience

3. Expressing my real feelings instead of faking happiness 

Asking for what I want: The end of silent regrets 

As part of my playing-it-nice strategy, I never asked for what I wanted. 

I tried to secretly manipulate my surroundings to get it anyways. I know, hearing a direct “Yes” or “No” evokes more feelings in the body, so we tend to avoid it. Yet we get stuck in our heads. We end up wishing and hoping. We end up feeling unheard and with regret.

To me, the process of just asking is rewarding, regardless of the outcome. 

Imagine dating.

“I would like to kiss you. Do you want to kiss?”

How different from awkwardly trying to scoot closer and waiting for the moment. 

Or being married.

“I prefer getting a hotel for your parents. Are you willing to do that?”

Very different from: “Are they coming to stay with us AGAIN?”

By asking directly for what I want, I take responsibility for my experience. And I leave others with a choice too. By stating my preference and hearing a direct answer, I can work with whatever happens next. It’s less effort than juggling different unspoken scenarios in my head.

And it can be surprisingly fun and refreshing. 

Just putting my voice out in the mix helps me to feel part of the moment. I don’t have to have it my way and I can relax having asked and choose what to do next.

Telling the truth: taking the mask off 

Telling the truth means taking the mask off. You step out of character and reveal what is actually true. It means to communicate based on the present moment, not on how I think I should be. Yes, it can be scary. And it will probably be the most rewarding thing you ever try.

Telling the truth means revealing my previous roleplaying: you talk out loud about the mask you’ve taken off.

This is a lifelong practice.

But you can start with small revelations.

“When I told you I was busy, I actually just wanted to be alone.”

“Sometimes I pretend I am happy when I am actually sad.”

“I don’t like how you told me this earlier.”

With each truthful statement, you reclaim a bit of your power. 

Plus you pave the way out of your mind and get back in touch with reality. 

Expressing feelings: no more faking happiness

I come from a culture where men don’t cry and anger is passively expressed. 

So, I used to suppress those feelings, but those feelings don’t just disappear. They fester underneath the radar of conscious awareness; blocking the flow of life from within. In order to be present to new experiences, expressing so-called negative feelings in a truthful way is crucial. 

Yes, that also means working with anger, sadness, disgust, and fear.

Going into the specifics here would blow up the scope of this already long article.

Just for now, it’s okay to say you are angry when you are. It’s okay to admit you are sad. 

If people around you can’t handle your real emotions, you might want to get some new friends in the long run. Friends who support you in being the most real you. 

Or do you want to be applauded for how well you play your roles in life?

Live life out-loud 

Phew, now this was quite a long article.

To summarize the main idea here: whenever you feel drained or out of place in social settings, there is probably something you withheld, pretended, or did not say in advance (unless you are drunk in a nightclub, then it's a bad choice of environment). However, you can always get back in-sync and out of your mind by telling the truth about what is true for you, right now.

To me, the more I show up just the way I am, the less dread I experience. 

And, surprisingly, people find that (mostly) refreshing.

Give honesty a shot, or have a shot of honesty.

Feel free to discuss this or let me know how your shots of honesty have gone in the comments section below

Radical Honesty in Relationships

Radical Honesty in Relationships

I lied like crazy in my past relationships. 

I smiled when I was angry. I said I’m not jealous when I actually was. I pretended I had money when I was poor. I said my dad’s car was mine to impress women on dates. I faked attraction just to have sex. I tried to live up to imaginary standards of how I thought I should be.

I continuously betrayed my actual feelings and intuition at the will of MTV and co.

As a result, I felt frustrated, drained, and incongruent in all my relationships.

And then, I cheated on all my partners up to the age of 24. 

Of course, I lied about that too. I had the right support circle to justify my dishonesty: other frustrated men. And I did not only lie in my romantic relationships, I lied all the time.

At 26, I was tired and burned out. I craved real connection, yearned for love. Over time, I realized how freaking scared I was to show myself. My self-esteem was very low at that time.

Here is what I think I know now... 8 years later.

Lying is the primary cause of suffering in relationships 

Honesty in relationships means to quit performing and pretending. You show yourself how you actually are. I used to think that as a “dominant and playful alpha male” (some ideas I picked up on how I should be) I can never express anger, jealousy, or sadness. I had to be tough. 

Of course, this is shit-brained… and counterproductive for real relating.

The result was a constant state of anxiety, confusion, and disconnection.

It hurts to continuously go against the reality of the moment and the state of your body. Here are some problems that – alongside the ones I mentioned above – show up as a result of withholding, pretending and performing in relationships:

• Constant worrying in loops and overthinking stuff

• Replaying situations in your head, over and over

• Snap-reactions, outbursts, and run-offs 

• A sense of unworthiness and codependency

• Obsessing about small details in the relationship

• Subservient behavior and self-doubts 

I would go as far as to say that whenever you experience on-going distress, discomfort, anxiety or uneasiness in your relationships, you are probably hiding or withholding something important from your partner.

In my experience, lying is the primary cause of suffering in relationships.

And that includes withholding how I actually feel. It’s the top killer of aliveness, sexual attraction, and the joy of togetherness in relationships.

Luckily, freedom is often just one honest statement away.

Three simple and safe ways of telling the truth in a relationship

Now, how can one actually tell the truth? Where to start after years of lying?

For me, those were important questions. I had removed myself so far from my ability to tell the truth, I had to relearn it, step by step. Over the years as a trainer in Radical Honesty, I have discovered three simple and safe ways to show yourself in your relationship and get out of your head. There’s more, but those are good starting points.

1. Sometimes I pretend…

A great way to create connections and free yourself from worrying is to reveal some of your pretenses and say what was really true. In reality, this would sound something like this:

“Sometimes I pretend to you that I’m not tired when I’m actually tired.”

“Last Christmas I pretended I liked your gift when I actually did not.”

“Sometimes I pretend to you that I’m not angry when I actually am.”

“Yesterday I pretended I was not attracted to another person when I actually was.”

You get the idea. The goal here is to come clean about some of your pretenses. You can start small and work your way up to more pressing pretenses. Stay in touch with your body while you speak. You will likely experience some heightened sensations. This is good. This is aliveness coming back into your body. Do it and feel how you feel in the process.

If your partner is up for it, you can even turn this into a game and go back-and-forth.

If you do so, say “Thank You” after each sharing.

2. Are you willing to…?

I used to avoid asking direct questions to avoid hearing a direct answer.

I hid my wishes behind passive statements and manipulations. I had a lot of unspoken expectations in my partners, but how could they know? Instead of playing the hide-and-seek game, try this simple and direct way of asking for what you want.

The way to do this is to clearly separate the wish from the request. 

Here are a few examples:

“I would really like a massage tonight. Would you be willing to do that?”

“I’d like for you to bring me some apples from the market. Will you do that?”

“I want to watch a movie tonight. Will you watch one with me?”

By asking in this format, you take ownership of your wish and leave your partner a chance to say “Yah” or “Nah”. It’s very different from “Hhhm, how about we watch a movie tonight.”

Again you will likely feel more in your body when you ask this way.

Just be careful to not ask questions when you are angry or charged in some way.

This way, it would be better to first work through the feeling first. Also, don’t get too robotic about this. Just make sure you state what you actually want and leave your partner with a chance to agree or not. Own both, your wish and the questions.

3. When I heard you say / saw you do… I felt / thought...

Now, this is not Radical Honesty per se.

In a workshop, we approach the direct expression of feelings differently. Yet, this way is definitely better than pretending or faking and easy to do. 

Next time you feel sad, angry or hurt by something that happened, try this:

“When I heard you say X  just now, I felt tense in my body.”

“When I saw you do X just now, I noticed I felt angry at you.”

“When you did X yesterday, I judged you as X.”

Take a moment to pause and check-in with your body after such a statement.

The idea is not to blame the other person or try to change her.

For me, if I allow myself to acknowledge how I really felt or what I really thought, I have a better chance of letting go and moving on. When I fake or pretend that things are okay, I tend to chew on stuff in my head longer than necessary. 

Small incremental steps

Cultivating a more honest expression takes time.

It’s not always easy and you will sometimes experience discomfort. From my experience, the temporary discomfort was always worth the growth opportunity that was behind.

I needed two or three years to shift from habitual pretending to more honest relating. 

Start where you can without underwhelming or overwhelming yourself too much.

The fine line is where you can notice enhanced physical sensations and maybe a bit of discomfort. For me, this was always a good indicator that I’m on the right track to uncovering something important for me.

Don’t beat yourself up when you catch yourself pretending.

Simply start where you are with what you can, one honest statement at a time.